Hidden // Spencer Reid

Fifteen

-Author's Note-
I know it's been a while it's been like twenty thousand years but I'm back; and I won't lie it has a lot to do with the comments. You all are so sweet and make me laugh out loud!

Sorry for making you all wait so long. I'm crazy busy with school and I haven't been able to come up with a good way to start off this chapter, but I will try.
--
My goodbyes to Derek were said and done. Spencer, however, is a different issue. Every time I saw him I wanted to beg him to run away with me, so it's been near impossible to hide from him the very plan of which I wished he could be aware.

But, this had to be it. It was this final goodbye, or nothing. The most gut-wrenching part of it all is that he wouldn't know it until I was long gone.

The last words I said to Derek ring in my ears: "You didn't deserve it."

Neither did any of us, really. I've caused too many disruptions in their already terribly busy lives. It's my turn to do the right thing.

With a heart as heavy as my foot on the gas pedal, I speed to his apartment and wait in the car in the parking lot for about half an hour.

His car was there, I knew he was home, but the pit in my stomach was growing, swallowing up all of my determination to do this, all of my willpower and all of my confidence. I sit in my car until I had thoroughly thought out twelve scenarios in which my goodbye went wrong and three in which it went right.

Quite honestly, I hope none of the fifteen scenarios will play out as they did in my head.

Finally being able to find no other excuse, I abandon the comfort of my car. The journey up the stairs feels endless, and I know I had taken the stairs instead of the elevator for that exact reason. However, on the second floor I decide to use the elevator for the rest of the way up.

Then comes the moment when my hand curls into a fist and hovers inches away from his apartment door. The moment I have been dreading for two weeks. The moment that would have never had to happen had I not become involved with Grant in the first place.

The past was the past, I tell myself, shaking Grant's haunting grip from my mind. My eyes flicker to my pregnant stomach. Grant will forever be in my future.

Spencer will not.

I take one last deep breath and knock on his door with my eyes tightly closed.

When he opens the door I forget every word I had prepared and I press my lips to his for the last time I ever will. My eyes sting and my throat burns and in that moment I feel so fragile that I'm afraid when he lets go of me I will fall apart.

And then he brings his head back to look at me, his hands still on my waist.

Miraculously, I hold all the pieces of myself together, but only for Spencer, only to make it easier for the love of my life. "I love you," I state as calmly as possible.

He pulls me close for a hug and I am seconds from an absolute breakdown when he says, "I love you too, Lena."

My tears stain his shirt but no noise of sorrow escapes me. He feels my breath hitch and he pulls back to look at me again. "I will always love you."

I feel my heart lurch at the statement I can only hope isn't true, for is sake. I wish he hadn't memorized my face, or figured out my darkest secrets; I wish this man never loved me..

But even as I think these things I know in my heart I am lying to myself, because I am unforgivably selfish, and deep down I know that it would destroy me if Spencer forgot anything about me.

I know I will never, ever forget his voice or his soft snore when he sleeps, I know I will always ache for his arms around me and his hand intertwined with my own.

"Spencer," I sigh, my head on his shoulder, "I'm so sorry."

He doesn't speak. I easily imagine his brow furrowed, eyes squeezed shut, because I know that's what he does when he holds me this closely.

I feel the very structure of my goodbye speech crumble before me, and the single word comes out of my mouth, followed by three words that I know will always be true, and with a kiss on his cheek I'm gone.

--

I make it all the way to a parking lot three minutes from his apartment before breaking down.

It's really happening, I'm really leaving behind everything I've built up and everything I've torn down. I'm really leaving him.

--
Oh God this was so short the next one will be longer