The Function to Breathe

Three

1995

I was seventeen when I met Ricky. It was summertime, nearly the end of June, so I was in fact just over two months short of my eighteenth birthday. My birthday is right at the beginning of September, so throughout school I was always the oldest one in my year. I was never sure whether that was a good thing or not.

It was my first day at my new school in Leeds. You might wonder why I was starting at the end of June, and I have to say I wondered exactly the same thing at the time. My father and I had moved up to Leeds from Kent, and I had hoped that I wouldn't have to start so close to the end of the term. I had hoped that he would let me off the last few weeks of school and just let me start the second year at the beginning of September.

But no, my father being the way he was insisted that I start straight away. And I mean straight away. We arrived at our new house in Leeds on the Friday evening and having spent the whole weekend cleaning the house and making a start on unpacking all our belongings, I then had to start school on the Monday morning. I thought it was ridiculous having to start that close to the end of term, but however hard I begged and pleaded with my father he wouldn't change his mind. He never did. Once he had decided that I was going to do something, then that was exactly what I was going to do, regardless of whether I wanted to. In fact the more I didn't want to do something, the more determined he would be that I would do it. Normally I remembered to keep my feelings to myself if I felt strongly about not doing - or doing - something, but not this time.

So on Sunday evening after a full day of cleaning and unpacking I had a long soak in the bath, washed my hair and laid myself out a nice outfit for my first day at my new school. It took me ages to find something I was happy with, I wanted something reasonably fashionable, but not too much.

In the end I settled on a short burgundy dungaree dress with a white cropped t-shirt underneath and chunky white plimsolls, an outfit that was cute but hopefully no different to what everyone else would be wearing. I didn't think it would be a good idea to wear one of my more unique handmade outfits on my first day, not until I found out what the school was like. I wanted to make a good impression on my classmates, hopefully make them like me enough to want to talk to me, to be friends with me even. Although I was under no illusions that it might not be particularly easy to make them like me, or to fit in. This wasn't the first time I'd changed schools midway through the school year and I knew it could be a traumatic experience.

I knew that my first day wasn't going to go smoothly as soon as I got up. Instead of the sounds of my father pottering about downstairs that I should have heard - or the shower running at the very least - what I actually heard were loud snores coming from the direction of his bedroom. That meant only one thing... he wasn't awake yet. He was supposed to be driving me to school before going on to work, but that obviously wasn't going to happen now.

I wondered whether I should wake him. The snoring meant he'd had too much to drink last night, which would mean he'd be hung-over and angry if I woke him. But he'd be even angrier if I didn't wake him and he was late for his first day at work. I quickly decided the best course of action would be to make my father a cup of coffee before I woke him, which might ease his displeasure a little, then I'd quickly shower and get myself ready and make my own way to school. I knew there was no way he'd take me and get to work on time.

I was so flustered that I got off the bus at the wrong stop and I ended up being late. Having missed registration completely I found myself outside the secretary's office being reprimanded for my lateness. It wasn't the first impression I'd hoped to make. I hated being late - I still do - and would do almost anything to avoid it if I could. However I couldn't control how much my father drank of an evening and what time he woke in the morning. I'd been afraid this would happen, but hadn't really thought he'd start his old tricks before our new life had even begun.