The Function to Breathe

Twenty Five

2004 – 2007

Gavin was my boss initially; he had set up his own property development company and was getting so much work that he needed someone to run his office. A friend of a friend suggested that I apply, said it would be perfect for me and it was. Apparently I was the only person he interviewed for the job, a fact I only found out a long time later.

I ran the office, took phone calls from prospective customers, arranged viewings of properties Gavin was interested in buying, got auction catalogues for him, even went to auctions with him occasionally.

I was a bit scared of Gavin when I first met him. He was so full of confidence and chat. And he was big and quite tough looking, with a muscular body and short cropped dark hair, sprinkled with a little bit of grey. But actually he was lovely, quite a softy once you got to know him. He was a few years older than me and it wasn't long before I came to think of him as less of a boss and more as a big brother or cousin.

Apparently though that wasn't how he thought of me, as a younger sister I mean. After I'd been working for Gavin for about six months I started to realise that he had feelings for me. I'm not really sure how I realised at first – he'd treated me nicely and kindly since the first day we'd met – but suddenly things started to change a bit. He'd make little comments about how nice I looked and always seemed to notice if I was wearing a new item of clothing or had had my hair done.

It was nice to be noticed again, I'd spent so long hiding myself away after I'd been raped, both physically and emotionally; dressing in boring, plain clothes and trying to draw as little attention to myself as possible. But I had to dress a bit more attractively working for Gavin, particularly if I was accompanying him to client visits or auctions and I had to admit it felt good. It felt good to take an interest in how I looked, and have other people appreciate it as well.

One morning in early autumn I was meeting Gavin at an auction house, one we hadn't been to before, a more upmarket one than the one we normally went to. I'd dressed up smartly, was wearing a new red dress that I'd treated myself to on payday a few days earlier. I hadn't worn red for years even though I knew it suited me.

As I sat waiting for Gavin to arrive he texted me to say he was running late; when the property he was interested in came up he still hadn't arrived and I started panicking. I'd have no option but to bid on his behalf. I'd been with him to auctions before and I knew how to bid, but I'd never actually done it myself. I sat and waited while the auctioneer read out the property details and took a couple of opening bids, then I took a deep breath and raised my bidding paddle. I could do this, I knew how to and I knew how much Gavin would go to price-wise.

Still I kept nervously looking at the door hoping he'd arrive and take over. He did arrive, and slipped quietly into the seat I'd saved for him, but instead of taking over he just folded his arms and whispered to me to keep on bidding. I was even more nervous now my boss was sitting next to me; what if I didn't get the house? What if I did get it, but paid too much? My hands were shaking by the time the bidding finished and my final bid secured the house for Gavin. The price was a tiny bit higher than I'd hoped I could get it for, but not enough that he'd be annoyed.

As the hammer went down Gavin put his arms around me in a huge hug and kissed my cheek. "Well done Cat, you were brilliant."

"Thanks," I laughed nervously and pulled away, putting a hand to my chest to try and steady my racing heart. Although I was better than I had been, anxiety was never far away and I needed to calm down a little. I bent and picked up my bag from the floor, "I need some air, is it OK if I pop outside?"