The Function to Breathe

Fifteen

1997

By the beginning of the New Year I'd already noticed a change in my relationship with Ricky. It was a small change, but it was definitely there, I'd noticed it each time I'd been able to go back to Leeds for the weekend.

That feeling of him slipping away from me that I'd had the day I'd moved down to London was stronger, there was a distance between us that had never been there before, and it wasn't just a geographical distance. Even in the first few weeks we'd been together it felt like we were closer than we seemed now.

It wasn't just him, it was me as well, but I don't know what had changed. My feelings for him certainly hadn't. I think it was partly that neither of us wanted to admit we were developing lives and commitments outside of what we shared together. Maybe we were growing up; realising that the world wasn't as nice and rosy as we'd imagined it was; discovering that we couldn't have everything just the way we wanted it. Although I already knew that... my upbringing had shown me in no uncertain terms that life wasn't a bed of roses.

Each time I went back to Leeds, or the rare occasions that Ricky came down to London the distance between us seemed bigger and more obvious, at least to me. I don't know if he felt it, I didn't dare ask him. I still loved him – and he said that he still loved me – but I started to feel like I didn't know him anymore. Before I left for London he'd been the same person all the time, sweet, thoughtful and a bit mad, but now he seemed like one person when he was alone with me – the same as he'd always been – and someone else when he was with his mates. He was a bit arrogant around them, almost like he was showing off. I didn't like it. I just wanted him to be himself.

I still loved being with him when it was just the two of us but it rarely was these days. There were always other people around, either the guys in the band or his college mates. It wasn't as bad if he came down to London. He seemed to be more himself there but his timetable meant that it was more difficult for him to travel than it was for me, so more often than not, I went up to Leeds. I began to feel like I was in the way and was almost relieved when I couldn't see him every weekend.

At Christmas things seemed much better though, I went back to Leeds for over two weeks and after a couple of awkward days to begin with things were back to normal. Ricky was his usual sweet and funny self, the arrogance and sarcasm seemed to have disappeared. Maybe he'd felt as strange as I had settling into our changed relationship, maybe things would be okay after all.

And then just before Easter I found out I was pregnant. I was on the pill, but I'd got very drunk at a party Tara and I had been to a few weeks earlier, and had spent the following day being sick. Then the day after that I'd gone back to Leeds – still feeling dreadful – and had spent the weekend with Ricky. That must have been when I got pregnant, not fully protected because of being so sick.

When my period was late I confided in Tara and she sat with me and held my hand as I waited for the pregnancy test to work. When it was positive she hugged me as I sobbed on her shoulder, tears of shock and fear. I was almost positive that I couldn't have this baby, but at the same time I didn't even want to think about the alternative. I'd dreamed of having babies with Ricky, but not like this, not when we were both so young, hundreds of miles apart and not even getting on brilliantly.

I knew I needed to tell him, but I didn't know how. Ever since I'd first met him, I'd shared everything with him, had never kept any secrets from him but this was something I didn't want to share. I just wanted it to go away.

Over the course of the next week I did three more tests, hoping against hope that I'd get a negative result, but of course each one revealed the same positive line in the little window after I'd waited the required amount of time. However I felt about it, there was no getting away from the fact that I was pregnant.