The Function to Breathe

Twenty Nine

2015

I wake early the next morning. It had taken time for me to fall asleep last night, turning things over in my mind as I was, trying to work out what had triggered the flashback, but eventually I had slept a bit. Now, as the sun starts to appear for the day Ricky is still curled around me and I feel stiff and achy, as if neither of us has moved at all during the night. I lay there for a while in his arms, listening to him breathing and then carefully start to slide out from his embrace. I need to move, to get up, I need some fresh air. It's not far to the sea, only about half a mile, a short walk is just what I need.

Quietly, so as not to disturb Ricky, I find my jeans and a jumper and swap my pyjamas for them, then sitting on the edge of the bed to tie my Converse. I hear Ricky sigh behind me, then feel him reach out and run his fingers down my spine.

"Where're you going Cat?" He mumbles, his voice low and croaky with sleep.

I turn to smile down at him, catching his hand in mine. "For a walk, I want to see the sea. D'you want to come?"

He rubs his beautiful blue eyes, which are currently red rimmed and tired looking and I lean down to kiss him softly.

"Please?" I say, "I'd love you to come and watch the sea with me."

We both love watching the sea. The main reason I chose my cottage in St Agnes was for its sea view; it never fails to calm me or comfort me if I'm feeling stressed or upset. I hope Ricky will agree to come with me now, hope it will help both of us.

I watch him, can almost see the cogs in his brain whirring, deciding between staying tucked up in bed – which I know he'd love to do – and making me happy by coming with me. After a few seconds he yawns, stretches and sits up. "Of course, just give me five minutes."

He gets up and goes into the tiny ensuite shower room the cabin provides and while I look out of the window over the strangely quiet festival site I hear the sounds of him cleaning his teeth, then he's back and pulling on jeans and a jumper as I had done a few minutes earlier, then sitting down to lace his trainers.

It only takes us about ten minutes to reach the cliff edge, high above the beach and the sea. It's windy, my hair is being whipped in all directions; tangling across my face, getting in my eyes and mouth. Ricky laughs as I try to hold it back, to control it with one hand while I rummage in my pocket for a hair band to tie it back with. I find one and turn to face the wind, so all my hair blows out behind me which allows me to gather it together and force into an untidy ponytail. It probably looks awful, but at least it's vaguely under control now.

I look around me; I can remember holidaying here once when I was a child. I was about ten I think, my aunt and uncle brought me here for a week in the summer holidays; it was one of the few holidays I had when I was young and one of the best weeks of my life.

I shiver and Ricky steps behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me back against his body as we look out to sea. He rests his head against mine and I can feel his breath against my ear as he speaks. "Are you cold? Do you want to go back?"

I am cold, but I don't want to go back. I want to see the sea up close. If I remember correctly there's a little rocky cove on the beach that should protect us from the wind. "No, let's go down to the beach. It'll be more sheltered down there."

We take the uneven gravel path down the side of the cliff and as soon as we're below the top the wind drops a little; it's still cool, but the wind isn't biting its way through my clothes like it was when we were at the top of the cliff. Hand in hand we follow the path to the bottom, through a car park that wasn't here the last time I was and then down the little lane that I know leads to the beach. It's lined with small gift shops, a tiny supermarket and a few restaurants and cafes. One of the cafe owners is outside, opening shutters and putting out a chalkboard advertising his wares. He smiles and wishes us a good morning, saying he'll be open shortly if we want coffee or breakfast.