The Function to Breathe

Twenty

1999

I didn't dare move from my position slumped against the side of the bath. I thought that moving too much or too quickly would make the blood flow quicker, and now that it was flowing I didn't want it to. I'd made a mistake, a big one.

Keeping my bleeding wrists pressed tightly against my body I inched forward and managed to pull a towel off the rack by the basin. Then, trying not to look at my handiwork, clumsily I wrapped it around my wrists as best I could, trying to keep them bent inwards so that it didn't pull the open wounds too much. I'd read somewhere, or heard somewhere that it was best to keep bleeding limbs raised if at all possible, higher than your heart, so I pressed my bundle of towel and wrists to my chest, closed my eyes and tried not to panic. I wondered if there was any chance the bleeding would stop, I'd done everything I could, bar leave the security of the bathroom and try to phone for help.

I peeped after a few minutes, there was blood seeping through the towel, but it didn't seem as if it was quite as much as I thought it would be. I still didn't dare move though, didn't dare unwrap myself to see if the bleeding had slowed at all.

I felt sick and lightheaded, but I didn't know if that was due to blood loss, or fear. My wrists hurt too, for some reason I hadn't thought about that, I hadn't expected it to hurt but it did. It hurt so much.  

Then unbelievably I heard what sounded like our front door opening and closing and footsteps down the hall. I wondered if I was hallucinating, but then I heard Tara's voice, "Cat? Cat, where are you?"

My stomach churned, I wanted her help, but I didn't want her to see me. I didn't want to put her though that.

"Bathroom." I called back as calmly as I could, trying to keep my voice from shaking, "but don't come in. I've... I've done... something stupid."

I heard her footsteps come closer, a pause while she obviously read the note I'd stuck on the door and then her voice again, "Shit... Cat, what have you done?"

"Don't open the door Tara. Just call an ambulance. Please."

But the door opened, as I knew it would. Even as I'd stuck the note up on the door I knew Tara wouldn't take heed of my warning, that she wouldn't be able to help herself opening the door and finding me. At least she'd have been partly prepared for what she would find.

"Shit..." She said again, crossing the room in a few strides and dropping down beside me. "Oh Cat, sweet pea, what have you done?"

I started to cry then, hot fat tears slid unchecked down my cheeks. They were tears of shame, of fear and of relief that someone had found me.

"I'm sorry." I muttered, turning my head away from her. I felt stupid and ashamed of myself now.

She rushed off and grabbed our cordless phone – neither of us had mobiles, they weren't everywhere like they are today – and by the time she came back she was already talking to the emergency services. Sitting back down next to me she put her arms around me, rocking me gently as we both cried.

*****

I must have passed out due to the blood loss because the next thing I knew I was waking up in a hospital bed. My eyelids felt heavy as I opened them slowly and I felt utterly exhausted. I'd been tired for the last few weeks, not sleeping well since the rape and not eating much either, but this exhaustion was on another level completely. I barely had the energy to turn my head.

Although the curtains were drawn across the window of the room I could tell it was daylight, so it was presumably the next day. I wondered how long I'd been asleep for, or unconscious. Across the room Tara was slumped in a plastic chair, her eyes closed, her chest rising and falling slowly as it did when she was asleep. Jo was sitting next to her flicking through a magazine, turning the pages quickly, as though she wasn't really seeing what was printed there.

Without moving so that I didn't give away the fact that I was awake - I needed a few minutes to get myself together - I tried to look around me a bit. Obviously I was in bed; crisp white sheets and a blue waffle blanket were tucked tightly around my body. There was a machine to one side of the bed that I was connected to with some sort of wire and next to that was a stand with a bag of dark blood on it, again connected to me but this time with a tube. I could see the redness snaking its way down the tube and into my arm.

I looked down towards the foot of the bed, down the length of my body. My arms were resting on top of the blue blanket, thick bandages on both of them from my hands to halfway up my forearms. The tube of blood disappeared under the bandages on the back of my left hand. Closing my eyes I bit my lip to try to keep from crying but it didn't work and a loud sob escaped, immediately alerting Jo to the fact that I was awake.

"Cat, my love," she got up and came quickly to the bedside. Leaning over me she smoothed my hair back from my face and gave me a slightly strained smile. "You're awake. How are you feeling sweetheart?"

"Awful." I whispered.

Jo looked tired, dark circles sat under her kind eyes and she looked as if she was wearing last night's party outfit. I remembered now, she and Simon had been going to her brothers' house for a Christmas party. Christmas was only a few days away now. She must have come here straight from that... or maybe come away early to come here. Tara must have phoned her. I had a very brief flashback of Tara sitting in the back of the ambulance with me, tears streaming down her cheeks. Oh God, I'd ruined both their evenings, terrified Tara probably.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay love." Jo leaned down and kissed my forehead, "Just get yourself well."

"Is Tara alright?" I turned my head slowly to look at my best friend, still sleeping on the chair in the corner.  She must be exhausted too.

"She's worried about you, as am I, but she's okay." Jo sighed, "I wish I'd known how bad you were feeling Cat."

"Sorry." I said again. I felt like I'd be saying that forever now. "I'm sorry Jo, I'm so stupid."

"Don't say that Cat. You're not stupid love, far from it. You've been through some horrible experiences recently, but things will get better now. You'll get better."