The Function to Breathe

Thirteen

1996

The next few weeks were bittersweet knowing we only had a finite amount of time before I had to leave for London. We didn't talk much, if at all, about me leaving; we just focussed on enjoying the remaining time we had together.

However, in private I studied bus and train timetables; trying to work out how easy and how expensive it would be for us to travel to see each other. It largely depended on our college lectures and timetables, which of course we wouldn't have until after we'd actually started. And then we both needed to earn money while we were studying. Ricky was planning on getting bar work instead of continuing with the Saturday job he'd had for a couple of years now, hoping that he'd be able to work evenings during the week rather than too much at weekends. I'd have to try and get a job down in London though, and it was fairly likely that I'd have to work at least part of the weekend. Despite Ricky's continued confidence that we'd make it work, I wondered if we really could.

What if our lectures and the cost and availability of public transport meant that we couldn't travel to see each other in term time? How would we cope then? Could we really make a long distance relationship, one where we only saw each other in uni holidays, work? I tried not to worry about it, but it was so difficult.

The morning before I was due to leave I reluctantly went and said goodbye to my father. Since breaking my arm I'd only seen him a few times and I'd been tempted not to bother, but I knew I'd feel guilty forever if I'd left without seeing him one last time. It was a strange meeting, although I didn't say that this was it I think he knew. I think he knew also how badly he'd treated me, particularly since we'd been up in Leeds and although he didn't apologise I could hear a certain amount of regret in his voice. He wished me luck and kissed me on the cheek, and I let him.

Ricky and I spent the rest of the day lying on his bed talking, listening to music and kissing. We'd spent so much time together over the summer that it was going to be doubly hard to leave him. At least we still had tonight, and the journey down to London tomorrow. His parents were driving me down there, doing what my father should have done. I hadn't been able to thank them enough when Ricky had told me his dad had offered; I'd expected I would have to get the train or a series of buses, had wondered how on earth I'd manage it with all my belongings.

***

Ricky and I hardly spoke on the journey down to London; just sat in the back of his parents' car together holding hands. There didn't seem much to say, we couldn't make plans for when we were going to see each other next because until we both got our timetables we didn't know when that would be. If we both had lectures on Friday afternoons and Monday mornings it was going to make our weekends very short when you allowed for the fact that we had to travel over 200 miles in each direction to see each other. Anything else we wanted to say to each other we didn't want to say in front of his parents.

When we finally arrived at the halls of residence I collected my room key from the administrator and we started to unload my belongings. It was strange that everything I owned now fitted into the boot of a car, my entire life condensed down to a few boxes and bags that were quickly taken up to my new home; a small room on the second floor of the building. It was clean and tidy with a single bed, a desk and chair, a small armchair and a wardrobe. The en suite shower room was even smaller, but at least I had my own shower, basin and toilet. I knew that in a lot of halls of residence the bathroom facilities were communal and not particularly pleasant.

When all my belongings were brought up Ricky's parents hugged me and wished me luck, then told Ricky they'd wait downstairs for him, in a coffee shop just over the road.