Love & Self Loathing

7/6/16.2

Jasmine's POV

I actually got some sleep without a nightmare. That's a new one. Maybe it was cause I only got about an hour of sleep. I usually get nightmares 2 hours in. Wouldn't really call it progress. Especially because of that girl Michele. She reminded me too much of the past. Something I need to avoid. I got out of the bed and put on black skinny jeans with a black tank top, black hoodie and black boots. 

People see me on the streets as this tough girl, they don't know I'm slowly dying inside. They just assume I'm strong and independent. Too be honest, without this home that Bobby and Edwin gave me, I would've been dead within a day. I need to live off of people. As creepy as that sounds, it's true. I'm not a rebel without a cause, I'm a loser with nothing. 

But why would I say that now? I feel as if I can finally open my gated fence to Edwin. He's just so trustworthy. He doesn't see a girl with problems, he sees a person who is trying and slowly being defeated by her own demons. It was hard for me to look him in the eyes, but I'm happy  did. His eyes made me feel like everything was going to be okay. He cares, even if I can't.

I hate having feelings, but it's good for me to express them. Whether it's my own thoughts or in my story. I can't talk to people about it yet. I just don't feel ready. Telling Edwin one of my problems was probably harder to do than looking him in the eyes. I don't know. I guess it's because I'm scared? Maybe? I honestly have no idea at this point. It's like I don't want to open up to people. No, wait, that's exactly what it's like. 

There are 5 types of people. For the longest time I thought there were only 3. The ones who never have to worry about people like me, the other people who have to deal with me and myself. The 5 five include the 3 I just mention, but 2 I'm going to add are important. The first ones are the people who actually care and want to help and the other is Edwin. I never thought I would meet someone as happy as him. So full of life and something that I never see myself being. Something I could never be in a million years. I'll try until I get it right. Maybe one day I could really be happy. I could have something to live for. 

I got out of bed and went downstairs. Edwin was waiting for Bobby and I to be ready. From what I know, Bobby never has a day off and works as hard as she can. Kyle told me that she wants to get herself and Edwin an apartment. I think that's be good for them, this place isn't the best. Kyle also said that she's happy I'm around while she's working. This way Edwin doesn't have to stay in the diner and interrupt the other customers. She loves her brother to death and would do a lot for him, but she needs that job. I guess I am good for something. Keeping Edwin out of her hair. 

Bobby was finally ready and we left to the diner for breakfast. It was normal, Edwin shockingly didn't say anything about us playing video games, I didn't make eye contact and Bobby tried to have a normal conversation with me. The only reason why I opened up to Edwin is because he could be so much like me and if anything happens to me, he'll at least know something. 

After we finished eating, Edwin and I left. We caught up with Kyle who acted like his normal self. Now, I'm about to admit something that is going to fit into something coming up. It's not random. I'm a problem child. Ever since the incident happened, I completely changed. I became the person I am today. I also steal, a lot. How do you think I got a really nice laptop? That women didn't care enough about me to buy me one. A lot of stuff that I own is stolen. So, Kyle is flat broke, I'm not sure what he spends his money on. Edwin obviously doesn't have money and I left mine back at the house. It's a hot summer day in San Francisco and we're all thirsty.  I saw someone selling water and knew it would be easy to take it from them.

 I told the two I would be right back. I walked up behind the guy and grabbed three waters. He noticed, but it was too late. I was gone. As I was walking back, I saw that kid Ian. He was without Michele and we didn't say anything to each other. All I saw were bruises and cuts on his face. It looked like he got his ass kicked. It was actually satisfying to see. It was however, weird that he just glanced at me and didn't say anything. I thought I would've at least been mocked or have a water taken from me. 

Anyways, I walked back to Edwin and Kyle and gave them the water. Kyle asked me how I got them and I told him not to worry about it. We were walking on the boardwalk for awhile, with Edwin keeping up behind us. I thought it would be good to ask if he saw Ian. So, I did and Kyle said that he did. I asked what happened. All Kyle said was that was a story for a different time. I had to hear it in Ian's words. I can't help but be a tad bit curious. I know I only met him once, but I still want to know what happened. 

After spending some time at the boardwalk and beach, the three of us went back to the house. Kyle told Bobby that we were going to go home. She said that she had to pick up an extra shift. So, in the end it worked perfectly. Kyle said he was going to stay the night. Mostly because Bobby wouldn't be home until three a.m. I went up to my room and finally checked my phone. Several texts, miss calls, voicemail from her and on missed call from an unknown number. Do I call it? I mean I already have bad anxiety and talking on the phone makes it worse. But I am curious. It's probably just a sales call anyways. 

So, I called it. Whoever picked up had heavy breathing and a deep voice. It was man and he called me Jasmine Goode, he said he knew me and wanted to find me. So, my anxiety sky rocketed, I hung up and threw my phone across the room out of pure fear. A few minutes later, I checked to see if my phone was broken. It wasn't, I kind of hoped that it was. 

Who was that man who said that he wanted to find me? Why does he want to find me? Ho does he even know my name? As I'm having a panic attack, Kyle came up to check on me. He quickly held me and sat on my bed with me. It's like he knew exactly what to do with no questions asked. His expression didn't change either, the same blank look he always seems to have. 

After my panic attack was over. He looked at directly into my eyes, I tried to look away, but he held my head. Making sure I was looking. It was quiet for a bit, kind of weird. He told me everything would be okay. His forehead ended up against mine. It was to weird yet comforting at the same time. He's a bit odd, but definitely knows how to make someone feel better. He said he was going to make some tea for me, but I should try to rest. I just nodded. I should try to get some sleep. Maybe I'll be able to have a five hour nap without nightmares. That'd be really nice. 

That's all I really hope. I try not to hope for things, every time I hope for something, it just ends up not working out. It shatters me. Makes what I have ten times worse. It's hard to live when everything you know is just false hope. Nothing goes right and one person you care about most, leaves you. Most of the time, they leave you because it's your fault. You think you can live with denying it, but it bites you in the ass. I speak from experience.

 Maybe I shouldn't try. I was thinking about all the false hope and plus if I tried at something and failed, how much more would I hate myself? People don't need to know my problems, no one needs to know me. Don't worry, I thought I was making progress too. I just jumped ship because I am so scared. What if I become too much. I'm easy to be around now, I don't talk much, I won't offend anyone. If I start telling others my problems, they probably won't want to deal with it. I guess I'll just give everything some time. Eventually something good has to happen, right?