She's My Parabatai

Chapter 23

I sat on my bed trying to prove to myself that what Jace had said wasn't true. I wasn't self-centered, I wasn't ignorant. I cared about others, I knew the world didn't revolve around me.

But...the more I thought about it the more I realized he was right.

I didn't even know half of the Ascended's names. I had never cared enough to find out and as I began to think about it, it scared me to think deeper into the reasons why I hadn't cared.

I had never looked past Jace's sarcastic side, other than that night in the greenhouse. I hadn't observed how he acted with any of the other Lightwoods except his Parabatai bond with Alec.

Alec. I hadn't realized the hasty excuses he made when his parents asked where he was going when he was so obviously meeting Magnus. I hadn't even thought that maybe he was trying so hard, and utterly failing, to hide his relationship with Magnus from the rest of us because he was afraid of the disappointment and disgust that his parents would definitely bring upon him.

I had seen Simon's name at the top of Izzy's recent calls but I always assumed it was because of the killings. I never stopped to think that something else could possibly be going on. It hurt me that Izzy hadn't told me, but at the same time maybe I had hurt her more by not even seeming to care.

I got off my bed and made my way to the kitchen where I smelled the scent of burnt cookies. Izzy was still trying.

"Here, try this," her voice suddenly said as I stepped into the kitchen. A cookie was stuffed into my mouth and I nearly gagged. "That bad, huh? But it's better than the last batch isn't it?"

I nodded throwing the rest of the cookie away. "Why don't you just go out and buy Max some cookies?"

"Because nothing helps you heal better than homemade cookies!" Izzy told me as she began cracking eggs into a bowl.

I leaned against the counter and watched as she mixed several ingredients together. She looked over at me. "Come on, Clary? What is it? Out with it."

"Why didn't you tell me about Simon?" I hadn't meant to say that. I had meant to apologize for not paying attention but the question came out instead.

Izzy stopped mixing and stared at me. "You had so much going on with your Mom and then Sebastian and now this whole mess I-"

"The real truth, Izzy," I told her. "I can take it."

She sighed and set the bowl and spoon down. "I honestly didn't think you'd care. I didn't think you'd be happy for me."

What was she talking about? She was my Parabatai, my best friend. If she was happy so was I.

"Every boyfriend or fling I've had you've simply rolled your eyes and giggled about how I'd be on a new boy in a week," Izzy said to me. "And maybe that was true for most guys. But Simon's different Clary...I don't know what it is but he's nothing like anyone else I've been with. I was scared you'd write him off like you do every other guy."

"Izzy I-" I stopped myself. It would be a lie to say I wouldn't do that because I knew if she had told me about him I would have reacted the same way I had to all of her other boyfriends. "I'm sorry," I said instead. "We're Parabatai, you shouldn't feel the need to hide anything from me because you'll be scared of how I'll react. I'm sorry I made you feel that way."

Izzy suddenly hugged my smearing cookie dough and flour all over my hair and back. "I love you, Clary."

"I love you too," I told her as we parted.