Sleepyhead

Silent Treatment

A List Of The Top Five Reasons Why I, Sutton Lark, Have Never Been So Upset And Slash Or Annoyed Ever Before In My Entire Life:

First: My goldfish was dead. I got a text from my Mum this morning whilst getting ready that the love of my life, Hugh Jass, had passed last night. After a long and heated battle with Dirty Water Syndrome, Hugh Jass succumbed to his illness and was subsequently flushed down the toilet of life. Well, the regular toilet, too. And basically, I was devastated. Hugh and I go way back, like two and a half months. He was my knight in shining orange scales and, well...he was gone. Sniffle.

Second: I had no fucking sleep last night. Thanks to my nightmares about a giant fucking turkey chasing me about London and we eventually ended up in the African Desert with nothing but the soundtrack to the Titanic to keep us company. It was all My Heart Will Go On and feathers and it reminded me of bloody American Thanksgiving except super damn strange and even a bit disturbing.

Third: The shower in the hotel was out of hot water. Don’t ask me why, though, seeing as Astrid and I were sharing a room alone. What exactly had she been doing in there for that long as to use up all the bloody water and thus leave me with a cold shower? And for once, I didn’t even need a fucking cold shower. I was completely unheated, and unturned on. I was the opposite of normal Sutton. I just wanted to shower and get it done with without those weird feelings between my legs and philosophical epiphanies. But the water was like fucking Antarctica and I swear to God I got hypothermia from it.

Fourth: Zayn Fucking Malik. Do I even need to explain? Two words: Turkey Slap. My face still felt dirty and disgusting and I had scrubbed it for at least twenty minutes before bed and another twenty in the (ugh, cold) shower that morning. Even thinking about it made my stomach churn. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve been turkey slapped before. But this just felt....different. He wasn’t doing it for you know, sexual feels, but rather to shut me up. Who does that? Honestly. Zayn Malik, total turn off.

Fifth: Oh look, Zayn Fucking Malik again. Not only did his penis slapping ways put me in the Worst Mood Ever, but the fact that he kept texting me about it really RUINED MY ENTIRE NIGHT. So on top of crazy ass turkey dreams, I had my mobile buzzing with apology texts since one in the morning. They went a bit like this:

Zayn Malik: Come back to my room so we can talk :) x

Zayn Malik: text me back

Zayn Malik: y aren’t u answering me

Zayn Malik: im sorry can we plz talk

Zayn Malik: sutton stop ignoring me

Zayn Malik: ur being fucking ridiculous txt me back

Zayn Malik: i didnt mean to...you know...txt me back

Zayn Malik: sutttonnnnnnn

And they literally just went on from there. He was so bloody bipolar. One text would be i’m sort-of-semi apologising for hitting his Zayn Junior across my cheek, but then turn and with the next text he’d call me a baby or a bitch and just demand that I came down to his room so we could talk.

And then there were the texts that were just...dirty....

Zayn Malik: sorry sut it’s just my cock likes your face so much aha x

And, the classic:

Zayn Malik: babe i want to treat u right come to my room and i will lick u all over

Zayn Malik: let me make you forget all about it sexy plz

Honestly, it just got worse. Or, I’m not sure, better?