Unsteady

Pretty

I want to feel pretty.

This doesn't happen very often. And when it does i want to go all out. A full face of makeup, a fancy dress and shoes, curled hair, all of it. And today was one of those days.

I know everyone says I don't need makeup and fancy clothes to be pretty but, if I'm going to be completely honest, I don't believe it. I Never have. I feel more confident when I put the effort and time into making myself look pretty, and I like it every time. It pays off.

Except today.

Today I wanted to do it all: all the makeup and hair, put on my prom dress and feel like a princess. Pamper myself.

So I go into the bathroom to start makeup. Mind its about 10 O'clock in the morning. I knew this was going to take hours and I didn't care one bit. I didn't have anything until the evening anyway. I start with the basic foundation and proceed to do some serious contouring. This is when things go sour. It doesn't look quite like I imagined it but that happens every time, so I shrugged it off and kept going.

That's when my sister walks in.

Great. She is the queen of making me feel worthless and inadequate. And worse, she's also a makeup enthusiast and wears a mask of the stuff everyday.

I kept going. I have a goal I want to achieve and if she isn't going to stop me I will achieve it and I will not be embarrassed about it like I am with every other desire of mine. Hopefully she'll leave me alone. Please don't say anything.

Until....

"What on earth are you doing? Don't you know you're using the wrong color? It looks awful, you shouldn't have used this product..." etc

"You look ugly."

That's it, I'm done. I'm ugly.

"There's no fixing it"

I start wiping it off.

"you shouldn't have tried"

I start walking away.

"What did you think you could do?"

I've reached my room. Close and lock the door behind me. One final comment faintly from the bathroom down the hall.

"you're a waste of these expensive makeups."

Cue tears. I wanted to do it. I wanted to feel pretty. Thank you so much for making it impossible for me to do that ever again. You don't get it. You don't understand, you're so full of it, you're always pretty, its so easy for you to feel good about yourself.

I thought I could make it work. I thought I could have a couple hours to myself and feel better.

No. It doesn't work that way.

Everyone wonders why I'm so hard on myself, so insecure. But the truth is.

I'm ugly.

I'll never be pretty.