Unsteady

Lonliness

For me lonliness is a strange thing.

Because I Like to be alone. I love having the house to myself, or by myself in a quiet corner to read with a blanket and a mug or hot chocolate. I like quietly people watching alone I'm a restaraunt as I eat.
I like being alone.

But I hate feeling lonely.

Lonliness is awkward for me. It gets me in a weird mood. I can be in a crowd of people and feel the loneliest at that moment.

Or like today when I just...... I want ATTENTION. Not parental attention, who only tell me what I can and cannot do. I just want someone to take a nap with, that I can read quietly in a room with. I don't want to talk; I just want someone to be there and share in a comfortable silence. Simple togetherness. No required effort put into conversations that I'll forget anyway, and only make me feel awkward (and thus more lonely).

But at the same time I want someone to do a super romantic gesture (a certain someone if you can't tell) to make me feel all special and pampered. Something like a suprise picnic or showing up with candy and popcorn and a movie on their day off, a horseback ride. Someone to bring me wildflowers they found, someone to suprise me with breakfast in bef.... though I suppose that's all just romance novel stuff isn't it.

The thing is, I dont want anything in between. I either want a silent bonding moment (with anyone, and they'd instantly become my best friend), or a moment for more intimate relations.

Perhaps my view is slightly skewed from taking care of a mechanical baby, only made to be an empty shell of a newborn for a parental development class. Maybe it's wearing me out. But mayhaps it's bringing out feelings that have been lying dormant, only to surface due to increased circumstance.

All I know is that I feel lonely, but my friends and family aren't sources of socialites that I currently want to turn to as they will not provide the kind of presence I need. I'm not saying that to offend anybody or try to send any hints, just to simply state how I feel from time to time. I do know that I don't have to ever be alone, and there are always people to turn to. I understand people will always want to be there for me, and I to them. However people also often don't understand that being there for me only requires the physical being of there. Any talking makes me stutter as my words falter, making me feel more singled out.

But at the end of the day I still feel lonely. And ,oh what a nasty thing loneliness is.