Unsteady

Depression

*sorry this is REALLY long, but I needed it. you don't have to read it I won't get offended*
It's three in the morning. Almost 4 but I've been laying awake scince 2:30 anyway. I'm awake. And there's a reason I try to take as many opportunities to hang out with my closest friends as much as possible throughout each day.
They keep the thoughts away.
Sometimes.
Especially at night when thoughts are always there, my friends distract me. And it's nice, I enjoy being with them.

But on a night like tonight....

It usually starts in the middle of the day.
You don't belong here.
I can push the first ones away. But they keep coming back. While they're playing chess at the table I'm sitting on the couch, petting the dog. I look over and they're having as great time, they both love chess.

In fact if you weren't here they would have more fun.

I can't seem to push this one away. My fear is that everyone just politely tolerates me and hopes I leave them alone. That no one actually cares. And my thoughts use that to.... Let themselves in.

They don't need you, They don't even want you here.

At this point I'm silent, zoning out. My face is expressionless as I mindlessly rub my hand over the dogs fur. I see him look over and mouth something.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah" I mouth back.....

I want to do it, I want to tell him I need to tell somebody.

You're an annoyance.

I know he loves me, and I know my friends want to help me, but I'm sad too often and I'd just create more stress for them. They'd get annoyed because of how often this happens.

No one cares.

He has to leave and I'm left with Tyler. Surprisingly, listening to Tyler as all his stories makes them stop for a while.
Then after that I have to go home. Tyler had to babysit so he drive me home.

He didn't even want you there in the first place. You're just a burden on everyone and no one wants you around.

I flop on my bed. They're back. I let them come. I don't have to strength to deal with them now, I'm tired.

If anyone really cared they'd notice and even if they do you tell them off and say you're fine. You're useless. There's nothing you can do, and no one cares. He doesn't love you he's staying because he feels bad. No one wants you around.

They're right. They always convince me that they're right. I believe it.
My phone rings. Its him.
"Hey come play pokemon go with me"
"You want me to come with you?" I reply, incredulously. I love him, kind of lot, and I want to go. Especially to get away from my thoughts.

But...

My parents won't let that happen. Dad gets mad and Mom gets annoyed. I can't go.

"Okay" he says as hangs up.

And they're back.

See he doesn't love you, he would've known to say something at least. No one ever knows. No one needs to know.

So, I sleep. Fitfully, with this heavy blanket of sadnesss looming over me. Until now. Now I'm awake.

No goodnight texts, no missed calls or anything. Why am I surprised? It's 4 in the morning no one's going to text you....

Worst part is I can't text or call anyone else.

Oh, don't bug them. They'll just be annoyed. They'll be mad you woke them up. And they're asleep they won't answer in the first place. Besides they'll ignore it because you're not important enough.

I can't sleep. I'm awake now. No, I'm not crying I rarely do. The thoughts only come with their heavy blanket. Extra weight for the effect. It makes my chest feel....heavy.

No one to talk to. I need a hug. I need someone to love me a little louder today. I need help. Someone to save me from the thoughts.

I'm sorry. I know you all want me to tell you but the truth is it happens too often and I'm worried everyone will grow to be annoyed and feel like I'm just bothering you. I'm sorry no one knew until now. I'm sorry.