Unsteady

Performance

I love being on stage.

I've taken dance, I've been in over 15 musicals, I've been in band for 7 years, I've been in choir for 3 years, and this is my second year of show choir. Not to mention little things like Jr. jive when I was still little or Mizzoula Children's theater. AND I've been in two drum lines.

I have poured my life and soul into this.

And what do I get back?

Absolutely nothing.

I love dancing, I love singing, I love performing, I love playing my instruments.

But why can't I ever get a solo, a lead, a lift, a special stunt, SOMETHING!?

I am sick and tired of always being overlooked and shoved to the back.

In Cinderella, the last JuMP show, I literally was only in the show to be the directors free stage crew. In Tyler's play i'm only in it because no one else wanted to. I've been in the chorus 14 shows in a row. I've never had a special stunt or lift, I've never had my own solo, I've never been told I'm a good dancer, and I've never once been even considered for anything.

And why?

Just because I'm me. Just because my sister was better than me, and by comparison I'm barely a shadow. Just because I've previously been in the chorus and that means I'm not a good performer.  Just because.

And I am SO TIRED of people telling me to just get over it, there'll be other parts. Other opportunities. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! No one does. How much work I put into performing, how much I have given up to do it, how much of my character, my very being, that I have expended to be a performer. Do NOT just tell me to let it go, that it doesn't matter, that there's always next time. You don't know what its like, everyone else gets stuff handed to them that I have to work 7 times as hard, and still not get whatever it was. But everyone tells me it doesn't matter anyway.

Do you have any idea what I'm trying to convey here? My life's work has been just a slap in the face over and over again. It's an abusive relationship that I can't get away from. Yet I just come back time after time, With new hope that this time will be different, this time I'll get it. This time. This time for sure. The next time......Maybe the next time..... But it never happens.

Just please. I BEG YOU. Please give me something to hold on to. Something to make me love performing again. Something so that I don't go crazy with this endless loop of nothingness that I'm somehow addicted to.