She Is My Tragedy

Chapter 8

Chapter 8
|Trigger Warning|

I'm laying on my bed, reading The Great Gatsby and listening to music when I hear a squeal and a thump from across the room. I nearly fall out of my bed at the sight in front of me. Cassidy is laying on her back, staring at the ceiling and her hair is all over the place.

"Wait, what the fuck?" I say out loud accidentally. She doesn't even move. She just lays there.
"I'm sorry." I roll my eyes and place my book on the bed, walk over to her and lie down beside her.
"Just explain yourself. And explain why you just fell from my window." Cassidy tilts her head and sighs before nodding.
"Window. Right. Um, well. I'm not sure. I just have a fancy for climbing through windows." She shrugs. "Um, but the other thing. I'm not really sure how to put it. But, eh, I freaked. Something kinda over came me and I... I just needed to, like, run? I don't know. Ugh, fuck. I'm weird I know." I look at her, extremely confused. But I decide to just let this pass because I'm afraid she'll run if I don't.

We lay there in silence for a couple of moments before I hear my mom call me.
"Ethan! I need you for a moment, darling." I sigh.
"I'll be right back. Please don't leave. I want to talk." She nods but as I walk out the door, I get this feeling that she won't be there when I get back. I rush down the stairs, anxious to get whatever she needs me to do, done fast. I walk into the kitchen, where I find my mom at the table with a cup of coffee.
"Everything alright?" I ask, slightly worried.
"Oh... Um, I need to speak to you about something." I nod and take a seat across from her.
"Well, Ethan. I think you know by know that your father and I... Well, we aren't on the best of terms." I exhale deeply, knowing where this is going and decide to cut this short.
"When is he leaving?" I ask. She looks at me with sorrow filled eyes and takes a sip of her coffee. She then places her cup on the table, gets up and says, "He's already left." And then she leaves. I sit there, confused at how I managed to miss him leaving. He just left and didn't say goodbye? My blood boils at the fact that he actually left. That he really doesn't give a crap about any of us. Just his money and just his hoes.

I trudge back up the stairs, feeling more miserable then I thought I would be. As I approach my bedroom door, my heart sinks into my stomach, as I think of the possibility that Cassidy's left. I open the door slowly and to my surprise, she's sitting right on my bed reading my book. As I walk in, her face brightens and a small smile plays on her lips. I sit next to her and she furrows her eyebrows.
"He left?"
"You heard?"
"Unfortunately." I nod and flop back onto my bed. "Yeah. He left. I guess I should have seen it coming. In a way, I think I did . But I still feel-"
"Miserable. Lonely. Depressed. Empty. Angry. Sad." I look at her and she flashes me a sad smile. "Let's go somewhere." I say. She nods, without asking where and grabs my hand, pulling me towards the window. She leads me out onto the roof of my garage and we hop down. She guides me to the front of the house where there's a black motorbike and two helmets . I walk over to it and check it out.
"Damn. She's a beauty." Cassidy nods and tosses me the keys.
"My dad... Um bought it for me. Before he... Nevermind. Here, you drive." I look at her then at the bike.
"Are you sure?" She nods.

I hop on, put on my helmet and she gets on behind me. Cassidy wraps her arms around my waist and rests her head against my back. I stiffen at her touch but soon relax. I start the engine and the bike roars to life and then we're off. I don't have a destination, I just drive. And it feels great. I speed up a little and I feel Cassidys arms disappear. I see through the side mirror that she's holding her arms in the air and her heads tilted back. Her hair is flowing in the air behind her and she looks so beautiful. I drive to the beach because it just felt right to go there now.

We arrive at the beach and I park the bike and take the helmet off. The waves are crashing against the shore and there's seagulls flying all round. The smell of the salty water gives me an ache to go surfing. I look at Cassidy and she looks back at me. She leans into me and places a hand on my check and her warm touch makes me smile.
"I'm fucked up Ethan. That's why I disappeared. I was getting bad again and I needed to run." She shakes her head and walks down onto the beach. I watch as she takes her hair our of a ponytail and her perfect white hair cascades down her back. I sigh at her words and the curiosity burns into me. She makes everything a mystery and always says just enough to keep me here. I shake my head and follow her down.

"What do you mean? Getting bad again?" I ask as I stand beside her. Cassidy tilts her head back and closes her eyes.
"Yeah. I don't know how to put it Ethan. I'm just really messed up and sometimes it gets really bad. So bad that I just disappear and leave no trace... and do some other stupid things." I furrow my eyebrows.
"Other stupid things?" I question. I look over at her and she's now sitting on the sand with her legs crossed. I do the same.
Cassidy sighs and her eyes look like freshly cut glass. As if she's about to cry but can't. "I... I'm sorry. I just can't tell you." She whispers.

I put an arm around her and she leans in towards me and rests her head on my shoulder. "You can talk to me Cassidy. I won't run or do anything, if that's what you think." She's silent and doesn't reply so I don't push her. She'll tell me when she's ready. I take a deep breath of the fresh, crisp cool sea air. The sky is grey and miserable and I feel sad. Just when I think our conversation is over Cassidy speaks.
"I starve myself. I completely butcher my thighs and the insides of my ankles. I scream at the walls as if they're a person. I punch walls and trees and I walk into the ocean to let myself go. But... I somehow always manage to keep myself alive." I suck in my breath at her words and I feel tears come to my eyes. It hurts me to know such a beautiful, bubbly girl like Cassidy could do this to herself.

I run my hands through her hair and put on a smile. "Well, you know what I think?" She looks up at me. "I think that the fact that you never go far enough to end yourself... is really, like I mean really fucking brave of you. Dying can be easy but living is fucking hard. I think that the fact that you live, that you stay alive.. is brave."
Cassidy sits up and smiles. It's a small smile but it's there. Then she kisses me. She wraps her arms around my neck and I wrap mine around her waist, pulling her closer to me. I hold her tight in fear that if I don't, she'll disappear. Cassidy pulls away and blushes.
"Thank you Ethan. That was... that was really nice of you to say."
I smile. "I said it because it's true." I look at her shoes and sigh. "Have you done it lately?" She nods and pulls up her jeans just enough to show me. I put my hand on her hand to stop her pulling up anymore because there's so much.

I pull her jeans back down and kiss her forehead. "Be kind to yourself. I'm not going to tell you not to do it again because I know you will. My words won't stop you, because things like this are addicting. All I'm going to say is, please go easy on yourself and don't do it as much. If you have an urge call me. Please. I want to be there for you. Anytime. Anywhere."

Cassidy nods and kisses me one last time before she says, "I have to go." She then gets up and leaves and I'm left alone on the cold, miserable beach. And I can't stop myself from crying because it's hurts knowing what she's doing to herself.

I'm back. And I'm sorry it's such a depressing chapter to come back with but I'll make up for it by publishing a chapter of Wild. I'm going to try tonight anyways.

How was the summer for you guys? I hope it was warm and fun. Mine was unproductive.

Anyways back to school. Yayyy. *note the sarcasm* I have some news. I'm going to be moving in like two months. Like not house but like country. So when that happens I will be inactive for a while. But I'll remind ye of that closer to the time.

Anyways, hope you're having a nice night/evening/day/morning? I don't know.

-SESH Xoxo