Finding My Family **ON HOLD**

Ch 4: Ghosts of the Past

NORTH POV

"LUKE!! You better not be making fucking pancakes!" I shout down the hallway leading to the kitchen.

"What? I can't hear you...I'm making pancakes!!" Luke shouts back as he turns on the hand mixer to continue to prepare the batter. He fucking heard me, he's just being an annoying little shit.

It's Christmas and our family doesn't really do much for the holiday, what with me not having my parents here. Same shit with Luke, too. We both just have each other and Uncle. I remember being a young boy, one of my earliest memories of my father being an asshole to me. Well, he wasn't my biological father, he's Luke's, but he was the only father I knew. It was Christmas and he had a little too much "egg nog". He was drunk off his ass and when I didn't react the way I should have when I opened one of my presents he hit me. Smacked me and roughed me up and tossed me around like a rag doll.

He said to me, "You need discipline and you need to respect authority, son." I thought he was right, he was my dad after all. I was in pain, but I truly thought I had done something wrong. "Your lucky I'm here." He said to my mother as he walked out of the living room. I didn't know at the time what that statement implied. From that day forward I did everything I could to be a good son. Respect authority, work hard, learn how to be a man.  It was always so hard for me to get along with people, though.  Moving around so much didn't give me the chance to learn people skills and my bad temper got me into trouble with kids from the neighborhood and school. I would get into fights, but when my father was called into the office all he cared about was if I had won and if the other guy looked worse than I did.

I can see today what a shit type of parenting that is. Uncle helped me, but the damage was already done. I fight an uphill battle everyday facing the ghosts of my past. And my ghosts are nothing compared to what Sang went through these past months--fuck these past years. She lived in fear day after day facing her past, but now that's over. She has closure, she can get past it, I hope one day I can do the same. I don't think that day will come and I especially don't think Sang will be by my side.

The way her family is isn't going to work for us. I don't even know these guys; I just recently started forming a relationship with Luke and we've been a 'family' for years! What the fuck was I thinking last month? Wait--I didn't want to do this, I had been against it, then I put my fucking foot in my mouth and practically ordered Sang to be my girlfriend and run away with me. Fuck!! I'm so stupid. The look on her face when I said that. She was mad, yes, but underneath all of that I saw the disappointment. My parents were a disappointment to me, I know what that feels like and I never want Sang to feel that about me. That's why I'm going to keep my fucking mouth shut and go along with this plan.

And yesterday?  I thought I was going to explode after seeing Jay with his hands all over her, but I kept my shit together.  Well...Sang wouldn't see it that way, but I was calm compared to what I wanted to do to that fucker.  I didn't explode until Sang told me she was uncomfortable with me.  I was...hurt.  I never want to make her uncomfortable, I worried she didn't like me anymore or something.  Then I went off on her about Jay and I was just being a jackass.  What happened yesterday, the feeling of jealousy... I'm not the only one who is going to experience it.  That is why I don't think it will work, but I'm going to try for Sang. But I'm also selfish...if it does work I don't want to be left out.

"North?" I hear Luke say.

I grunt a little and stand up straighter from where I was leaning against the kitchen wall. "What?" I bark out at him.

"Uhhh...you were standing there with this angry look on your face for the longest time, then all of a sudden you smirked." He tells me cautiously like I'm an animal he doesn't want to frighten. He continues, "It was creeping me out little brother. I'm the only one who daydreams!"

"I wasn't daydreaming." I tell him as I open the fridge and gather some vegetables, cheese and eggs to make an omelette.

Luke laughs, "Oh so you were just talking to yourself inside your head? Was it about the Sang thing?"

Shit. How does he know everything.

"So did you drop off the presents yesterday?" He questions casually.

Fuck. I was hoping he wouldn't ask. With what happened yesterday I'm not even sure Sang wants to talk to me anymore.

"Okay, what happened?" Luke asks.

"Nothing. I dropped off the gifts with Silas. Hurry up and eat so we can drop off the supplies Uncle needs for the diner before we go to the Anderson's."

"The Anderson's? Not Sang's?"

I just grunt and hope he drops it.

*******

Driving to the diner was uneventful. We passed by a lot of telephone poles and light posts with the typical missing persons flyers that have been popping up this month. I never really paid attention to them, but at a red light I watch as an older woman staples some to a pole. The missing person's mother I'm assuming. She's just going through the motions like a robot. It's like she's already given up, but she pushes herself to have hope even if she can't outwardly express it.

I miss Sang.  I haven't seen much of her over the break and I blew it yesterday.  I don't ever want to lose her like that mother lost her child. It's a crazy thought. Flyer. Sang. Love. I'm really fucked up right now, but I'm going to make this plan work if it kills me. I don't want Sang out of my life, she's the first bright spot in a long time.

"Dude, the light's green."  Luke tells me with a chop on my arm.  It brings me out of my thoughts and I continue driving to the diner.  That mother will forever be haunted by what happened to her daughter.  I hope she finds her and if she doesn't I hope she at least finds out what happened to her--even if horrific.  The ghosts of my past haunt me everyday.  It's a struggle to reconcile the man my father was--well adoptive father-- with who I am today.  I need a bit of alcohol to forget sometimes when the pain is too great.  When I'm being too hard on myself.

I wonder about Luke, though.  We are closer than we were when I first moved here, but we are not close like "brothers".  I consider Silas more like my brother than Lucian.  Even so, I still wonder if he carries around his past on his shoulders like I do.  Probably not.  He's always so fucking happy.  He got to live a normal life with Uncle, so of course he would be better adjusted to life than me.  It's like I had to start over when I got here.  Luke already went through it and got over his past a long time ago, I'm sure of it.  He's never spoken to me about it, but we haven't really had that sort of relationship.  He's always put forth the effort though, I have to give him that.  He's always been more brotherly towards me than I've been towards him.  I feel like he can read my mind sometimes.

I have fun busting his balls, teasing him.  Brothers do that too right?  I leave it at that.  I don't do that emotional bullshit. 

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A/N

I will continue to update once a week until the story is finished.  I hope you are enjoying the story so far <3 <3  I know it's a bit slow, but I will be picking up the pace soon!!