A Collection of Short Stories (ft. a lot of osomatsu-san)

NEETyard Shift (Spongebob x Osomatsu-san)

Author's Note

Okay, so, uh... I found a meme related to this and thought, "this parody needs to happen". And so the birth of this, an Osomatsu-san version of the Spongebob episode "Graveyard Shift". Enjoy, I guess!

(Disclaimer: Obviously, I do not own the picture. It's just the inspiration for this story >w<)

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"Ichimatsu nii-san! Are you ready to rock the night?!"

The brother in question was already curled up in the corner of the room facing the wall after only a few seconds of receiving his assigned job. Gazing out of the floor-to-ceiling windows of the restaurant, Ichimatsu began to wonder if he could sneak inside a stray cat from a nearby alley and proceed to sleep with it in his corner. On the other hand, his yellow-attired counterpart, Jyushimatsu, had jumped up onto a table in anticipation for the night shift awaiting the three in the room.

Ichimatsu didn't respond at all, for he wasn't really paying attention to what his brother was screaming and was rather intent watching a small, slate gray cat loitering near a garbage bin in the distance. However, this slight ignorance is nowhere close to dampening the always high spirits of Jyushimatsu, who spun around, still standing on the table, to face Iyami, the one who had dragged in the two NEETs to work with him for the night.

"Me doesn't see why you're so excited, we're not getting any customers, zansu!" Iyami mumbles at the counter, using poor grammar and ending his sentence with his usual verbal tic. Although it was originally his idea to apply for the part-time cashier job at the fast food chain, he's rather discouraged due to the lack of business. And having two of the Matsuno sextuplets around seemed like a good idea at the time, but one wasn't motivated to do anything and the other was too riled up and would be badgering Iyami all night.

"But isn't it fun, staying up all night and being productive?! It's a lot like working at Sutaba, like Totty! Hey, hey, look! I'm working in the kitchen, but at night!" Jyushimatsu dashes to the kitchen and begins to attack a head of iceberg lettuce with a metal spatula laying on the counter nearby. After sloppily chopping the lettuce, rather than doing anything with it, he abandons the vegetable and proceeds to mop the floor in a bathroom adjacent to the kitchen. "See, now I'm cleaning the bathrooms, but at night!" he proclaims.

From the kitchen, Iyami could hear a pained noise from Jyushimatsu, who had injured himself attempting to turn on a stove. "Wah! I burnt my hand... but at night!" he announces yet again before darting from the kitchen back into the main room to jump onto the counter behind which Iyami was standing. "Hustle night! Muscle night! Hustle night! Muscle night!" he chants until Iyami throws up his arms to form his infamous "sheeh" pose.

"Enough, enough! Here, take out the trash, zansu!" he hands Jyushimatsu a half-full trashbag in attempt to keep him quiet if only for a few seconds. With no hesitation, the NEET races outside to toss the bag into the nearest garbage bin, scaring off the lone gray cat idling on top of it. A forgotten Ichimatsu flinched at the sudden movement, and realizing what happened, stood up and fled the restaurant to try to locate the cat. At the same time, Jyushimatsu bounds inside to face Iyami and ask if there's any other garbage needing to be thrown away. Now's my chance, Iyami thinks to himself, smirking at an idea he's created.

"No, there's no trash, but you better be cautious, zansu! I mean, you wouldn't want to be caught by the, uh... Hash-slinging Slasher!" he captures Jyushimatsu's attention, who gasps and asks curiously about the name mentioned. After dramatically hesitating, Iyami continues, improvising a spooky story as he speaks. "The Hash-slinging Slasher, the one that was broadcasted all over the news, zansu? Yes, that would be his name, however, many people call him the Ha-agh! Because that's all they have time to say before he...... GETS YOU ZANSU!"

Despite his sudden voice raise, Jyushimatsu doesn't flinch, but raises a sleeve-covered hand to his mouth in concentration. A disheartened Ichimatsu inches through the front doors empty-handed, but the two others didn't notice, for they we're too wrapped up in the ghost story. The forgotten sibling idles near the bathrooms to listen in on the tale.

"Years ago, in this very restaurant, there worked a clumsy fry cook. But then, one night, while he was cutting some meat for hamburgers.... it happened, zansu.... He accidentally cut off his own hand, zansu!" Iyami pauses dramatically, receiving no reaction at all from Jyushimatsu. "And... he replaced it with a rusty spatula, zansu! Then, uh... he got hit by a bus! So now, on every, uh... Tuesday night! Yes, including this one, zansu! His ghost returns to this place in order to wreak his horrible vengeance! You see, there are three signs that signal the approach of the Hash-slinging Slasher, zansu. First, the lights will flicker on and off, and then-"

His concentration is broken by a slamming door, and suddenly remembered there was another person in the room. Great, he thinks, for he has to deal with Jyushimatsu by himself. Re-focusing himself, he continues; "Next, the phone will ring, there will be nobody there, zansu! And lastly, he will arrive in the bus that ran him over! He exits, and crosses the street, without looking both ways, for he's already dead, zansu! And so, he taps the window with his greasy spatula hand, and slowly creaks opens the door, zansu. He approaches the counter, and guess what happens next? ...HE GETS YOU ZANSU!" Iyami ends dramatically and loudly, yet still did not get Jyushimatsu to flinch or create any new facial expression other than his concentrated one.

Realizing the story is over, Jyushmatsu reverts to his normal, open-mouthed smile countenance. "Wow, what a scary story! That was cool! But now we have to get back to work! Let's go, muscle night, hustle night! Muscle night, hustle night!"

Me can never get a break, Iyami thinks to himself as he takes a seat in a nearby chair.

---

"Honestly, who would wake up at three o'clock in the morning just to eat a burger?" Iyami complains as he checks his watch.

Jyushimatsu, who was cleaning the walls with an unfading smile, responds to the rhetorical question with, "Not sure, perhaps Choromatsu nii-san would? He's usually the first one to wake up in the morning, I wonder what he does in all that alone time..."

Suddenly, the overhead lamps keeping the room lit up flickered for a few noticable seconds. "Heh, nice one, whichevermatsu, flickering the lights like in the story..."

"Huh? I don't even know where the light switch is. And I'm Jyushimatsu!"

After a small moment of awkward silence, the restaurant's phone rang, but Iyami answered to a crackling noise following dead silence. "Woah, just like in the story, about the phone! Hey, do you think the Bash-flinging Masher is going to come, Iyami?" Jyushimatsu asks, expression unchanged. Before Iyami could process the situation, his and Jyushimatsu's attention is directed towards outside the front glass doors, where a bus had dropped off a lone blackened figure who appeared to have a spatula hand.

"Sh-SHEEH!" Iyami screams, realizing his made-up story was coming to life, and clings onto Jyushimatsu, who was showing no signs of fear. "The Hash-slinging Slasher, zansu!"

As the figure approaches the building, Iyami noticed that Jyushimatsu's smile appeared to fade, if only a little bit. "Hey, what do you think..." the brother trails off as the ominous person steps through the doors, spatula held up as he steps into the light. And when he does, Jyushimatsu breaks back into a wide grin.

"It's Hijirisawa Shonusuke!" Jyushimatsu announces, while Iyami lets out another "sheeh". Holding nothing but a spatula with a hand hidden by his sleeve, the small bald man asks about a job application.

"I tried to call, but my cell phone battery had died before I could even speak," he explains with a small sigh.

"W-Wait a minute, so if that was you on the bus and you on the phone, then what about the lights? Who was flickering the lights, zansu?" Just as Iyami finished his sentence, the lamplight bagan to quiver yet again, and the group's attention is brought to the corner of the room, where a rather sly Ichimatsu was playing with the light switch like a cat. In unison, they all call out his name;

"Ichimatsu..."