To save a life

# t w e l v e ( part II )

Dear Ru,

If you ever find this letter, then that would mean that you completed the Bucket list. If you find this letter without completing it, then please go away. I'm just kidding. You can read this.

I know that it's a lot to ask, but please don't hate me after I tell you this; The list was never for me to complete. The Bucket list was always yours.

I wrote each of them down in hopes that you'd somehow find it and gather up the courage to do them. The main reason I did it was because I wanted to show you that you're going to be okay with out me. You can do things on your own if you set your mind to it. (But most of them were just for the hell of it. Specially the hair dye.)

I'm so sorry Ruwena. I'm sorry for everything I put you through. I'm sorry for not telling you what went on inside my head. I know that it was unfair of me to do so but I just couldn't explain it to you back then. Neither can I do it now. The closest I can get to an explanation is that I felt empty. Other than you, nothing ever truly made me happy. Now don't get me wrong, you're more than enough of a reason for me to stay but like I said; some things cant be explained.

I know very well that suicide is not the answer to happiness. It's not the fighters way out. But that's just it. I don't want to be a fighter anymore. Every night I find myself wishing that I wouldn't have to wake up to the next day. There's nothing here for me Ru. And God knows if there's going to be anything for me wherever I'm going to go next.

I didn't tell you about it because I feared that you'd somehow talk me out of it. And also because I know that you're crazy enough to join me. There are multiple reasons as to why I didn't tell you, but let's not dwell on that shall we?

Maybe I've mentioned this to you before, but just in case I haven't,  I need you to know how much you mean to me. You're all the goodness in the world. At least to me you are. I'm sorry for all the times that I unintentionally or intentionally hurt you. I made a lot of mistakes Ru, but I'll never make the mistake of letting you go.

Even when I'm not with you, I'll be with you. I'll always be a part of your memory whether you like it or not. I'll be alive as long as you remember me. I want you to know that I'll be there with you through all your storms of sadness and your deserved greatness. Your anger and your guilt. Your highest and your lowest. As long as you want me to.

This world is not the best there is. It's doomed. We're way past ruined. We are a fractured race on the path of demolition. But we are vulnerable people. We seek peace even though we're the reason for our own grief and I know that amidst all this rubble of chaos, there is still true happiness that can be found. And that's the one last thing I want you to do. One last task on your Bucket list;

Find your happiness and keep it.

My reasons will never be clear and I don't think I need them to be. Live your life Ruwena. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. I love you in this life and I'll love you in the next.

Your best friend till the end,
Aubree.
♡