Finding the Pure Note

Even When I'm This Unloveable Mess

Hospital visits were nothing special in our family, more like routine. Even so, I didn't like that I had to hold my sobbing little brother, pushing him through crowds of intrusive eyes and hacked together sympathetic smiles. I wrapped my arm around his shoulder tighter, letting him know that I wasn't going to push him away, and I think he understood that, even if right now he just wanted to sucker punch me in the jaw.

When the nurse tells Hunter to follow her, I let go of him, the broken connection catching my breath. I try and mumble that I'll see him soon, but then he nods for me to follow, and I surprise myself how fast I run to be back at his side.

I didn't talk much with the doctor, just offered anxious half-ass responses, one arm covering my face as my fingers played with strands of hair. The doctor started stitching Hunter's head, and I looked away mostly, daring glances that only served to make me queasy. Well, queasier than I already felt. I had to sit down, and I found myself chewing my sleeve to the point where it was ripped and worn. Honestly, I could go for a smoke. It nags and claws at me, the addiction. Mum showing up in the doorway whiplashes me back into the moment. I'm kinda super relieved she's here.

Mum's eyes were shining with that mother's concern for their hurt child, and she stopped by me briefly, resting a comforting hand on my shoulder before brushing past me. I decide I need out of here now and I stand from my chair quickly, hurrying to the door. Mum's voice halts me as soon as I turn the corner.

"Clay, where are you going?"

As her head pops out of the doorway, I notice she's hesitant to take the full step out. Can't help but reflect on how bizarre this is, the caution and the hesitation. I shiver.

"Relax," I mumble in a tone I'm sure would make her do anything but relax. "Just going for a walk."

"Don't go far." 

I shrug. "Might see dad."

She nods, a half-nod that develops into the full thing. Before her lips can hold a proper smile, she disappears back into the room. I stare for a few seconds before shaking my head and continuing my flight.

I was going to just wander about aimlessly until my talk with mum reminded me that I didn't have to be so lost here. That dad was only a short walk away and he could be an outlet for me to unwind. It was kind of a thing for me to do, to share with him all my problems because he wasn't listening. And if he was... What would he think of his beloved son? Once aspiring musician and golden boy; now drifting loser who abandoned his friends. Twice.

Biting my lip till I draw blood, I swear and push through the doors into the stairway, taking the stairs two at a time. Can't stand the still water silence of the elevator. I need to get the blood pumping. I probably shouldn't be going to dad with this wildfire inside me, but maybe he could be a conduit to lessen this burden that was me fucking my life up.

As always, there is the pause before the door, too long, hours, or minutes passed, but in all likelihood seconds, and then the cold hands and sinking gut as I find the strength to turn the handle and face my reality. A reality that dad is never the same, and nor could he be.

"Hi, dad," I mutter weakly, clearing my throat. Of course, he doesn't respond. "I just... need someone to talk to," I croak, and I'm not surprised when the tears come.

*****

"I think I'm gonna go now."

Mum looks at me like as if I just flaunted a tattoo in her face. "What about your brother?" she drawls, rolling her tongue.

"I know. I just... I need to go. I'm not feeling well."

She tilts her head as she examines me, picking out the lies as surely as picking out my freckles. Finally, she relents and nods, avoiding my eyes now. "Go on then. We'll see you soon."