Finding the Pure Note

The Dissonance of Shattered Notes

Rolling lights and a rainbow assortment of cars, and all of these blur into the next, smudged beyond recognition. I blink, correcting the mistakes, drawing Fletcher into focus. It's time to tell him.

"Hey, Fletch, you remember Alisa from the other night?"

He keeps his eyes on the road, and then scratches his chin. I fiddle with my phone with the intention of acting like I've just got a sudden text.

"Yeah, the blonde one with the nose ring, right?"

"Yeah, her. She's got this... this..." I start again. Man, when did I become such a weak liar? "She's invited me over to check out her band's setup. It's not too far from here. Like, five minutes. Do you think we could pop in there first?"

He rolls the idea around on his tongue and then rests his head into his closed fist which sits against the window frame.

"Don't you think you should go home first?" he suggests with an air of reverence. "We'll get your car, but dude, I'm sure your family want to spend a bit more time with you."

"It won't be long," I lie. "We can just sus the place out, maybe play a few songs and then I'll tell them I'm not interested."

"You're not interested?"

I shrug, tapping my fingers on the dashboard to the beat of an unseen drum. "I don't know. I barely know these people."

"So why are you going? What if they're... I don't know, rapists or something?"

Feel like I need a glass of water right now so I can unnecessarily spit it all over Fletcher.

"Whoa, dude. I'm sure they're not that bad. They seem nice enough."

"You say that now, but you just wait until you're strapped in their dungeon—"

"Okay," I cut in, pushing at his face. He bites my hand playfully and I flick his ear. "that's enough. If it comes to that scenario—if —then you can take satisfaction in being right while they prepare us for their vile pleasures."

He shivers, biting at his palm. "I take back what I said. That chain stuff..."

I smirk. "Don't want to try it with me?"

"Clay Hudson. You really have changed."

"Nah, can't say I'm into it. Not opposed. I mean you never know till you try..." I stick out my tongue then close my eyes, just embracing Fletcher's presence. He was a drug, of a kind, removing all the pain, and just leaving ecstasy, pure and untainted bliss. I was ready to fall apart, but he was holding me together, stopping me from ever reaching total meltdown.

"Tonight though?" Fletch asks. "It's late. I'm kinda tired. Driving your ass up and down the place." He elbows me.

"And I love you for it. I wouldn't ask, 'cept I really don't feel like going home yet. Any more time I can steal with you, I'll take."

"Feeling the love," he says, warmly. "You're really trying here, aren't you?"

"We don't have to," I say after a while. "Just... Curious to see what it'd be like. Who knows...? Maybe we really gel and I find myself in a band. See where I go. Maybe this is it. My future."

Fletcher broods over that and I swear beneath my breath, hating that the lies have come easily again. Maybe once upon a time that would have been a legit idea. I hate that I need to use them to get into a world that until Sean backstabbed me, always came expected.

I check the address every once in a while, till finally, Fletcher relents with a sigh, telling me to set the course on my phone. I grin, kissing away any lingering doubts. I'm going under again, but I don't fall far. Not woozy enough to collapse, but close. I feel sick in a different kind of way, deeper than just the bodily complaints. I'm actually using Fletcher, and I never, ever want to do that. I should tell him, but I can't. The urge is too powerful. I need this more. A gateway to this darker, yet simpler world. I was taking the easy road, and I was using anyone that would get me closer to that goal, whether that was my own mum or the boy I love.