Escaping Rogue

one

The cold drafts of wind felt like stinging bullets as it pounded my skin. With fall drawing to a close and winter nearing, the weather became more and more colder.

And with the changing weather, I only felt more isolated.

Bella's death obviously never left my mind. I'd be out with the pack, and her corpse would cross my thoughts. I'd be outside training, and all I could think about was how it was my fault. Hell, I could be kissing Christian and the guilt of her heart not beating would overcome me.

It's clearly impacted both me and him. In a way, I felt this was my fault. For Christian, he thought this meant oncoming war with an even greater rogue army. We both had varying reasons to be concerned, however the effects it had on our relationship were the most drastic.

I can't talk to him anymore, because not only do I feel it's my fault, but it's also his. He's the one who threw her out, who wouldn't listen. He's part of the reason she's dead, and I don't know if I could handle looking at a murderer without wanting to murder him myself.

The only time we really do talk is if it's about the pack. Not even in bed does he really say anything other than "Goodnight".

And me? I don't say a word.

I sat in the bay window of the room where I first stayed. It felt both foreign and familiar, knowing this was the first place I slept in, but not the last. All around me, the furniture had remained the same. The bed still remained in the center, with the soft golden sheets splayed out neatly. The two doors to the bathroom and closet on the right side of the room, with a desk and dresser on the left.

I guess I've spent a lot of time here. You could call it a thinking place, but really it's just the quietest one where I won't be disturbed unless needed desperately. It leaves me time to think about what I could've done, what would have happened if I had just fought Christian like all the other times.

To think about this stuff constantly really breaks me. I know I shouldn't linger on this for as long as I have, and that deep down I force myself back to the topic. I know it's the reason Christian and I have come to a standstill, why our pack has seemingly lost both life and reputation. If I could just break the habit of forcing myself to think these thoughts, things would go back to normal. Christian and I would work on our relationship, I'd continue to to meet and lead the pack, and most of all I wouldn't be so trapped.

A knock pounded against the door as it gently open. The dark wood swung to the wall, so that a familiar face smiled at me in the doorframe.

"Alena," Nancy whispered, holding a plate of steak. In her most gentle and cautious manner, she tiptoed to the window and beside me, setting the plate onto a polished table. The aging woman took the seat next to me, causing me to draw my feet back as I sat with my back to the wall and my legs in front of me.

"How are you?" She asked, placing a bony hand on my knee. I shrugged, forcing my eyes to hers. They both sparkled and welcomed a person into her, reminding me of my own mother when she would comfort me.

"Well, I made some steak just in case you're hungry. I know you haven't eaten today."

I forced a smile. She's right, the most I've consumed today is water. But how am I supposed to eat if I'm not hungry?

"Thanks." I said quietly. My voice sounded both flat and ungrateful, even though I really was. It just seems a little hard to sound anything other than that, though.

"Listen, Alena. I know that, certain events have taken a toll on you. The entire pack has noticed it, even Chris has noticed it! We're all extremely worried for you," she whispered, "and we want to help you. Our pack can't be our pack if the luna isn't well."

I nodded, letting the words sink in. I know people have noticed, I know Christian has too. But what can I do at this point? I've dug myself too deep now.

"I just want you to understand that you being upset makes Christian upset. And with him upset..."

The pack is upset. She didn't have to finish that statement for me to understand what I've actually done. By not only locking myself away, but also avoiding my mate and duties, I've physically and mentally brought down the strength of this pack.

How could anybody be a worse leader?

"How is he?" I asked, wanting to change the subject from me. Although it doesn't feel right to look at him, I still care about Christian, and deep down I think I do understand that it really isn't his fault Bella died. It never was. I just have a bit of trouble accepting that the only person I can blame is myself.

"He's surviving." She chuckled, patting my leg. "Barely, though, I'd say. It really hurts him knowing that you're not okay."

"Yeah," I whispered. My eyes
flew to the cushions we sat on, tracing the intricate patterns to stop the tears. My eyes burned at the back, filling themselves up to the brim with tears.

"I've done this to him." I whispered. "I've hurt him and our pack. I'm the worst goddamn luna to ever exist." I muttered, looking anywhere but Nancy. If I looked at her, I knew the tears I'm trying so hard to hold back would just pour out.

"No, no, Alena you're not. We all have little rough patches along the way, that's just life. In truth, you're one of the best things to happen to his pack. You've brought Christian back to earth, you keep him grounded. You've turned him away from his famous brutality and gave him a purpose. Believe me, before he met you he was a person you would never have wanted to meet." She cooed, leaning forward and pulling me into her. My body sank into hers as the tears just slowly fell, escaping the wall I built.

"You're definitely not the worst luna, Alena. You're far from it." Nancy whispered, stroking my hair. I looked down at the floor, trying my hardest just to not totally break down.

"Alena?" Christian's voice interrupted.

My head shot up from Nancy's chest, meeting his gaze as the tears softly cascaded down my cheeks. In his eyes, I could see the pain Nancy talked about, and this time it was even deeper than I had anticipated. His silver eyes held an ocean of both misery and helplessness. I guess when it comes to me, that's all anybody could feel.

"Come here." I gasped, so quiet only a werewolf could pick it up. My voice shook unsteadily, but at the moment I couldn't care.

When I looked at him, I didn't see the monster I had made myself believe he was. I saw Christian Bade, the same idiot I met in the office, and the same man who both protected and loved me.

Christian rushed over to my side, taking Nancy's spot on the window and pulled me even closer. I hadn't even noticed that she had let go of me and stood up, much less walked out of the room. Now there was only us, me burying my head in his chest as he ran his fingers through my hair and up my arm.

"It's okay baby." He whispered, and although Nancy had said almost the exact same thing to me, I don't think I accepted it until he actually told me. Nothing was really okay until Christian told me himself.

"I'm sorry Chris." I gasped through whimpers. "I'm sorry I did this to you."

Against my own head, Chris shook his and pulled me even closer. The warmth he radiated comforted me even more, helping me to just let everything all out.

"It's perfectly fine, Lena." He told me. He pulled his head back, although a pair of lips sent tingles from my temple to my toes. Gently he lingered, kissing my head with such cautiousness and love.

He pulled back and leaned his head against mine again. "Everything's okay."