Adopted By the Yogscast: A Parody

Chapter 1 - Unfortunate Events

Hello. It's me. My name is Blobface. My parents both died in a brutal accident, but I'm not traumatized at all because the author loves me and doesn't want me to feel any negative emotion. And this is a story of how my life changed drastically.

***

"Blob!" A yellow guy in yellow overalls shook the snoozing me awake. Dick was standing over me. Again. "Wake up! If not Mrs Meen is gonna murder us!" I awoke with a sigh, not exactly the best way to wake up. Not Mrs Meen again! Mrs Meen was the orphanage caretaker, and the only one running it, because orphanages never needed any staff to help take care of twenty kids running around and an entire dilapidated building. Duh.

Throwing on my Yogscast T-shirt, sneakers the colour of my favorite Youtuber, Inthelittlewood's logo, and a pair of pants the same shade of blue as the blue used in the background of the Yogscast logo, I looked horrible, but hey, no one cares. 

Running downstairs, I hastened to tidy my hair. Brushing teeth? Nah. Nobody has time for that. As usual, Mrs Meen was giving every other beaming smiles and chocolates, but as I passed through her line of sight, her faced hardened into a volcano spouting magma. And that magma was flowing straight for me. Hiding behind a wall of air, I lined up along with all the other orphans in a line that was definitely straighter than my sexuality, trying to blend in with everyone else so that Mrs Meen would not give me the Stare of Death.

For some reason, Mrs Meen hated me. It was probably of my name. Jamie Blobface. My name was Blobface, with the surname being Jamie. A stupid name, with only me being even stupider, which was all, of course, Mrs Meen's opinion. As she always said in her screechy voice, Blob didn't even have three brain cells to make a sandwich, she only had two that she could rub together to produce a tiny spark of thought. And from what Mrs Meen could tell, that thought was usually about a bunch of thirty year old British gamers with the maturity level of eight year olds.

Anyway, I waiting for my turn for my name to be called. A tradition of The Parsing Orphanage, and silly as it was, it always had to be done. Such a pain. Staring at the stereotypical peeling paint and moldering wood of every orphanage in any book, I sighed. Such a boring day. "Aewhay, Dick!" Mrs Meen shouted in her high-pitched and irritating voice. Dick raised his hand. With nothing better to do, I stared at the ceiling, remembering the video that the main Yogscast channel had posted the previous night.

***

"BLOB!" Dick burst into my room rudely, "LOOK! THERE'S A NEW YOGSCAST VIDEO! I'M NOT A FAN OF THE YOGSCAST, BUT LOOK AT THIS!" he announced to the entire orphanage, earning him the grand price - a yell of "shut up!" from someone downstairs. He slammed his laptop onto my bed with a fantastic boing, the springs rightly moaning in protest. I turned my eyes from a fascinating fanfiction on my tablet about a chair and Turps onto the computer screen, which displayed a Youtube video.

My attention flicked to the title of the video. "We're Adopting!", posted by YOGSCAST Lewis & Simon. My eyebrows flicked upwards, and clicked on the video. 

Two minutes later, a piercing scream rang out through the entire orphanage. "WhaAAAAT?!" I covered my ears. Who knew a guy could scream so loudly?! No thanks to Dick trying to emulate what I would have done. After the dirtiest look I could manage for him, I started shaking him ecstatically. The Yogscast were adopting! Of course! It only made logical sense that a bunch of adults with a busy life would adopt a kid to make them busier. Dick stared at me as if I had seven ears. "There's no way that they're coming here, though," He said pessimistically. "Look at the date." 

Oh.

Disappointment. 

No way.

Why.

Today was the first of April, April Fools. What?! Why?! I wanted to scream. Scrolling down to the comments section, that tiny blossom of hope I had was crushed. Stamped on. There was nothing left to live for. My last thought that I could leave this cruel orphanage was shredded. A blanket of miserable thoughts seemed to cover over my mind, a salty drop of concentrated emotion dripping out of my eye and slowly making its way down my face. 

Pulling the cover over me, I started sobbing loudly. The last thing I heard was an "Oops...?" and the door quietly being shut before I cried myself to sleep.

***

A sharp elbow in the ribs jolted me back to the present. Dick was elbowing me in that annoying fashion that he did everything in. "She's not around? Good." A certain satisfied voice said. "Someone's got cleaning duty tonight." The memories from last night clouded into my mind again, and I tried my best to stop the tears. Why did it keep coming back? Repressing the memory was hard, and after a while, I could finally focus on what was going on again.

Everyone was returning to their rooms, so I followed with a shrug. Couldn't hurt to follow all the other sheep in the herd for once. But one of the stereotypically mean blonde girls whose name I never bothered to remember stepped on my foot. "You've got clean up duty, stupid!" She hissed.

Well, isn't that just dandy. Clean up duty basically meant scrubbing the toilet with your toothbrush until it was sparkly clean. If Mrs Meen was not satisfied, it would extend to cleaning the grimy kitchen with tissue paper, which was near impossible.

I sighed. Such a pain. Trudging up the stairway, I entered my room and flopped onto my bed like a dead fish, although dead fishes are not really able to flop because they're dead. There was no more point to life. Why should I bother with something that hated me so? There was no point in doing so. 

I opened my window and looked down. A three story drop from the attic of a building should do it. 

I placed my foot on the ledge.

My other foot swung over the drop.

I should have done this so long ago.

My entire life was to be regretted.

My name, my face, everything about me. 

My hands pushed me off the ledge, and I braced for impact.

***

Written on 6/8/16.