Obese // Ashton Irwin [On Hold]

No One.

Dorks.

No One.

"Meredith?" Michael asks me as I stare out the window. We're all meeting at the park for a celebration of the news. It took me longer than usual to change my clothes and walk out of my room. My conscience has been drilling into my head constantly. It's feeding me thoughts that are eating at my brain. It's dragging my mood from happy to down in the dumps quickly.

"Meredith?" Michael calls again. I look over at him slowly, taking my eyes off the rear view mirror. "Are you okay?" I force a smile and nod. "Are you sure?"

"Y-Yeah. Just still can't get over the fact that I'm having twins." I lie. I never going to get over it till they're here. In a good way. But that's not why I'm quiet. I just wish those thoughts would go away. "Doesn't seem like it." Just let it go, Michael. Please. "I just want to make sure you don't get too glum."

"I'm fine," I murmur, not wanting to talk about this or I'll cry. He doesn't say more. He just holds my hand and gives it a squeeze. He brings our joined hands and kisses mine. I smirk genuinely. He does the same.

He can't love you looking the way you do. There's so much better looking girls out there. You're just there to boost his ego so he won't feel insecure.

I close my eyes and ask Michael to turn on the radio.

"Hey!" I smile and hug Calum, who pulls me in for a hug as soon as he sees me. "Big Mama!" Luke calls, smiling wide and side hugging me. I try not let the wild thoughts emerge when he calls me that, knowing very well Luke says it with the biggest heart.

Bullshit.

I look down at the box of pizzas they bought and my mouth waters and my insides churn. It looks so good.

And you'll look so fat.

My appetite is pushed away and I grab a bottle of water instead. "You're not hungry?" Ashton asks me, concerned. I smile and shake my head. "All this excitement feeds my appetite," I sarcastically reply, unwillingly. He nods, skeptical. For about half an hour, we talk about the kids and how they'll look. We talk about what we'd name them if they were boys, and if they were girls. Ashton suggests that we should name one of the boys Michael because he's always liked the name. Michael chuckles and suggested Dylan and Lennon, names both cool and unisex. Ashton liked them, and nodded his head. But Kelsey thought Malcolm and Dominic, Damon and Stefan, or  Cayden and Carlie for girls. "They're going to be boys for sure. So no need for girl names." I roll my eyes at Ashton. "What is with you and girls? I'm pretty sure you'd be one of those dad's that let's their daughter paint their nails and put bows in their hair while you're playing Xbox." Kelsey retorts as she drinks her Sprite. Everyone laughs and nods. "Actually," she swallows a hugs gulp. "I think him and Michael would do it both at the same time while both girls work on them." Everyone laughs as both Michael and Ashton fight back at that assumptions. My lips twitch up for a bit as I lean against Mikey. I can't bring myself to smile. Sure, I'm listening and I enjoy the talks were having but every time I'm about to laugh or smile at something, that little voice speaks again.

Andrew stands from his seat beside Kelsey, and looks over at me. He quirks his head to the side, gesturing over to the bench under a tree. I look up at Michael and smile forcefully, walking towards Andrew and out of his embrace.

He sits on the bench and pats the spot next him. I slowly sit down, cautious to what he has to say. I know he's been watching me since I arrived and I just hope he hasn't noticed what's going on inside me. "Spill." He looks over at me. I look at him with what I hope is a blank look. "Don't give me that look. What's going on inside here?" He taps my head with his finger lightly. I continue giving him a blank look till he changes his face and gets to me. "I can't be happy for one moment because... it just comes back." I whisper, my eyes filling with tears as I look over at our friends. "What?" But he already knows. He's just hoping it's not what he thinks it is. "That voice," my voice cracks. "I can't be happy for one moment, can I?" I croak, looking over at him. His eyes soften.

"Don't let it get to you. Please try." I shake my head. "I'm trying. I mean it's only been a few hours but my mood is already down and all I wanna do is cry. It's making me doubt myself so much. It's doubting everyone around me and even though everything it tells me isn't true. I know it isn't." I slam my hand against the bench. I hear Andrew sniffle. "It's Mrs. Silva again isn't it?" I don't want to admit, but when that voice speaks, it sounds like her. The way she yelled at me, how she spoke so devilishly and taunting. "I should've said something sooner."

"You didn't know any better, Andrew."

"Yes, I did. I'm older than you. I know better."

"It's the past. Let it go."

"I can't. She affects you. And now that your pregnant. It's important that she doesn't affect you. You deserve to be happy more than anyone. And yet... you're not."

"I never said I wasn't. I've always been happy. Maybe not as happy as everyone else, but no one is ever that happy without a story."

"There's three of you now. If you go down—" Please don't end that sentence. "So do they. You can't let that happen. Mom wouldn't want you feeling this sad. She always made sure you and I were happy." My heart lurches. "But she wasn't."

"That's why I'm telling you to push past that voice and be happy no matter what. Do you want to end up like mom? Unhappy and forcing yourself through life till you can't take it? Then leave your kids like she left us?" I sob silently. "I love mom. And I'm not being disrespectful to her. If she was here, she'd say the same." He brings me in a tight embrace and kisses my head as tears silently flow down my cheeks. After a few moments, i wipe the tears away and smile and hugging Andrew. "You always did remind me of mom."

"I know." We stood up and walked back to our friends.

"Is everything alright?" Michael whispers, looking down at me as I wrap my hands around his torso. I smile, genuinely this time, meaning it. "It is now." He smiles and kisses my forehead, looking back at the crowd and tuning back into the conversation.

My mom lived her life unhappy after my father died. And before that. But I know that she loved us and she pushed her sadness away so that we could be happy. As much as I admire her for that, I won't be like she was. I'm going to be happy, for real, and push away that voice that's trying to get into my head. Because I will be happy and I am. No one is going to tell me otherwise. I'm not leaving my kids.

Not till I'm older than the eldest lady on earth.