Obese // Ashton Irwin [On Hold]

Dizzy

Dizzy

I leaned against the bathroom stall and took a deep breath, wanting to close my eyes but know I shouldn't. I've been feeling a bit dizzy these last few days. At first it was mild and I could barely comprehend how I felt. But now it's clearer, lasts longer and begins with nausea. I can't walk without wobbling my way, fearing if I walk fast I might throw up. When it stops, I slowly make my way out. I place my hands under the faucet and raise the water to my face, wetting it. I sigh and look up at the mirror.

My face looks thinner. I'd normally be happy but the bags sort of kill it. I haven't been able to sleep. That voice in the back of my head. It won't go away. She's nagging me repeatedly. You're a failure. I know I'm not. May god bless those poor kids for being birthed by an obese, stupid teenager. My children are gifted, no matter what she says. But I couldn't help it when my eyes became glossy and a choked sob came out of my mouth.

It's been shutting me down like this. It drives my appetite away. Every time I crave something, she tells me where the food is going. If I force myself to eat, it comes back up after a few minutes. Everyone already knows I'm pregnant. They're saying I got raped because there's no one who could possibly knock me up. I haven't spoken to Ashton since the ultrasound. It's been a month. The dinner was canceled because of a family emergency. Our next ultrasound is in an hour. I told Ashton I'd meet him there since he took the morning off to watch after his brother who stayed home sick. I'm supposed to be halfway there but I can't seem to walk for five minutes without feeling like the floor is disappearing beneath me.

Maybe if I lean against the lockers. I'm sure the driving won't be a problem since I'll be sitting down. I'll be there in no time, right?

I step out of the bathroom, gripping onto the wall and my growing belly. I lean my hand against the lockers and try to take biggest steps I can. I make it out the door before another wave of nausea and dizziness takes over me. The ground shifts and things become blurry. I reach for my backpack on my back and take out the fresh water bottle. I drink a big gulp and the feelings subside. I make it to the car and let the AC run for a few minutes till its fresh and I'm no longer sweating or feeling fatigue. I take a deep breath and back out of the parking lot. I hand the security guard the slip, getting an uneasy feeling and more dizziness. The guard notices as he checks me out of school and furrows his brows. "Are you okay, ma'am?" I grab my water bottle and drink, nodding afterwards. "It's just hot." He smiles, unconvinced but let's me go nonetheless. "Be careful now." I nod, driving away.

It goes fine, for the first few minutes as I down my bottle whenever I feel the bile in my throat and spinning in my brain. But about two blocks down from the clinic, I run out and can't fight it. I stop at the red light and lean my head back, closing them. Bad idea. What was first gentle shifting, turned into a full blown tilt. I shake my head and snap out of my daze when the car behind me beeps. I lightly press on the gas and accelerate forward. Then the dizziness returns. I begin to cry, blurring my vision more than it is already slurred. I begin to get scared because my babies squirm and my heart clenches in fear. Being so worried about the pain in my chest, I don't notice the stop sign and dive into a four way stop. One car hits me in the rear. The other, a pick up truck, hits me head on. My head hits the side of the window pane beside the seatbelt. My chest collides with the seat belt and my wrist hits the steering wheel, sending pain up my arm.

I begin to sob more when it all stops and all I see is the dust floating around me. I grip my stomach and thank to god there is no pain coming from any part of it. I see an elderly man approach the car slowly, opening his mouth and about to speak when I pass out with my hands on my belly.