We Who Are Jaded

Chapter Thirty Three

"You're mother has been having an absolute bloody fit!" Ross had his hands clamped down on my shoulders, his face weathered, breathing heavy. I noticed a taxi stationed a couple of meters away, awaiting payment or Ross's return. 

A taxi meant this was serious business, far more imminent than that of Indigo or Red's agenda.  

"Sorry I've had a lot on my mind. I needed to see Dr. Collins," I explained wearily, finding myself emotionally broken.

"Well you'll have to explain that to your mum. She was going spare thinking you'd be kidnapped again." Ross shepherded me to the taxi, his arm now fixed around my shoulders.

"Did she even try to call me?" I felt my pockets for my phone; empty.

"We found it on the stairs, that's why we thought you must have been taken." Ross produced the phone in question from his tattered coat pocket. I reached for it, running my thumb across the screen.

"I hadn't even realised," I mumbled as the taxi pulled away from the curb. 

"Even Beth didn't know where you'd gotten too. Now you know when Beth doesn't know where you are, you're in trouble."

Ross wasn't wrong.

"I'm assuming Nate was there." Nate had told me to rest and I doubted failing to do so would serve me well with him. 

"Is that the lad with the scars?"

"Yeah." Guiltily I wrung my hands. Ross' definition was going to be all there was to Nate, for the rest of forever and it was my fault. 

"He did mention that he'd dropped you home because you didn't seem too well and needed to change your shirt." Ross eyed the ice cream smothered fabric of the shirt in question. I was surprised Dr. Collins hadn't mentioned it, but then I'd rather unloaded a lot on the woman all at once. "Of course that just made your mother more frantic," Ross confessed. He propped his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose and then turned awkwardly to the floor.

"I needed to see Dr. Collins urgently, would Mum prefer me not to look after myself, wait until it's to late?" Nate sighed and peered at me.

"A note would have been nice Chris." I saw his point, but even so I hadn't been in any state to consider the sensible. 

"I'll remember that next time." I rested my elbow on the ledge of the car window, staring out into the deserted streets. I didn't want to say or hear anymore, after all, there might not be a next time. 

"Do you want to talk about it Chris?"

There was no way in hell I was dragging my family into this mess. I had put them through enough, as made obvious in Mums' hysterical reaction to my hours long disappearance. I loved them too much and knowing no matter what I was going to hurt them was unbareable. 

Where did I go so wrong that there was no hope left, no way not to hurt others? 

"Chris?" Ross sounded compassionate enough but there was no way he would understand despite how much I wanted him to. 

"There's nothing to talk about Ross, please don't worry about me," I pleaded.

"Don't shut me out Chris, I want to help," he urged. How warm his face and eyes were, a shelter I had only just discovered.

"I'm not shutting you out Ross, there is nothing to say; not to you, not to Mum...not to anyone."

"What about Kieran?" I paused, flinching.

"Especially not him," I said, clenching and un-clenching my fists. Ross didn't notice, but saw my reluctance as an excuse to diverge back into fragile silence. I picked at the worn and tattered upholster of the car seat, not caring for the murderous glares of the driver in the rear view mirror. My head rested heavily against the back of the seat and I watched the world go by in its beautiful, normal way.