My Neighbor's Wife

Chapter 32

Mrs. Lovett reels back, as if Benjamin's words are accompanied by a tangible force that vigorously hits her. She finds something to hold on to, glad that there's a table to the rescue. Her knees have suddenly become so wobbly, that the only thing supporting her is her firm grip on the table. Her heart is beating twice more than what is normal, and she can feel the blood that it's pumping rushing through the veins of her temples.

She cannot grasp if this is truly happening, or if this is just one of her dreams where she will soon wake up, disappointed. If she's in some fantasy world, and Ben has just confessed his love for her, then where are the singing angels, the chirping birds and ringing bells? The only bell she can hear is the sharp pitched tone that is ringing in her ears that is caused by the deafening silence.

The absence of the sudden explosion of lively colors, that is responsible for making the moment more magical, is also noticeable; everything around her is still in black and white. The slowing of the time is happening in reverse; it seems to be moving fast and making her feel dizzy. The supposed butterflies in her stomach have been replaced by a hollow feeling of emptiness.

Is she wrong to think that, having the person you value the most admit to you, that he also loves you will be an enchanting moment? Has she been too caught up with her illusions, with the lies that she feeds herself that she has made up this world where she has gradually forgotten and disregarded the truth, the reality? The fact in which, this man that she has been yearning for, is already married. That she has been carrying his child, yet they cannot be called a family.

This is what she has been waiting for all these times: for Ben to tell her the he loves her. Now that he has, why does it suddenly feels so wrong? Why, only now, is she realizing the wrongness of these all? She has finally managed to make this married man fall in love with her. But, is this what she still wants? Also, is he telling the truth or he just said it just to make her stay and not take their child away? So many questions are swimming in her mind, but the ultimate one is: is this even real?

Her clammy hand, that's gripping the hardwood table that she is leaning on, is slowly sliding off. She is entertaining the idea of letting herself fall, for it may wake her up. However, the rational part of her screams that she shall not do such thing. There is the child that is inside her to consider in making stupid decisions such as this. She never actually knows if this is merely just a dream of hers, if it is not, then she will just be putting the life of her unborn child in danger even more.

Like a frozen river that's thawing, Mrs. Lovett has slowly regained her senses. She has come to terms that she is not in the state of dreaming, seeing that she does have total control of her body. Cautiously, she walks forward towards Benjamin; there's a surge of anger rising from the pit of her stomach with each step that she takes. But, on the other hand, there's also this tiny ray of happiness that is pulsating in her heart.

She wants to slap him, for he may just be playing with her feelings. At the same time, she also wants to kiss him just for saying those words that she has been longing to hear, ever since. There's also the desire to forcefully shake him and remind him that he does have a wife. Yet, she aches to envelop him in a firm embrace and never let him go.

She is conflicted with many emotions that she does not know how she will react. What shall she do? Must she follow her heart that is telling her that everything will be alright, as long as she and Ben are together... or her mind, which is telling her to not be selfish, that many a lives will be affected if she gives in to her selfish desires? Is she ready to sacrifice her own happiness for the sake of others? Or, is she willing to turn a blind eye to those who will suffer just because of her?

Swallowing the lump on her throat, she takes the step that is separating her from Benjamin. She is now standing very close to him, her shin touching the bench that he is seated on. Her eyes can only focus on him, as her hand instinctively reaches up to trace every line, every stain, every inch of details on his beautiful face. She runs the tip of her fingers through his lips, loving how soft they are to her touch.

She lets him take her hand, and softly kiss her palm. Her other hand buries itself to his thick mane, letting her fingernails lightly scratch his scalp as they wander. She closes her eyes; letting Ben rest his head between her breasts as she caresses him, and wrap his arms around her waist. In return, he traces small circles on the small of her back, making her feel so relaxed.

She does not have the faintest idea of what is happening; all she knows is that she is enjoying this. They have not spoken any single word to each other, and they don't need to, for actions speak louder than words. Every touch, every caress speaks of what the other feels for the other.

After what seems like eternity, she stops what she is doing, tapping Ben on the shoulder. As he looks up to her, she can see the raw emotions in his eyes, telling her how much he has meant what he just said to her a while ago. She also knows that, her eyes are reflecting the same emotions as his. With a smile, she cups his face and languidly leans down for a kiss.

As soon as their lips meet, she immediately hears the birds chirping in unison, the bells playing a melodic tune, the angels singing with their heavenly voices. Time seems to have slowed down, making the passion filled kiss last forever. Yet, forever appears to be not enough, for she finds that she still longs for more. She is lucky that Benjamin also does not have a plan on stopping any time soon.

As this moment of intimacy comes to a natural end, once she has opened her eyes, she immediately notices the great deal of change around her. She looks in amazement at how everything around her is suddenly so lively. Her world of black and white is suddenly gone, replaced by flamboyant colors.

With a big grin on her face and with her eyes still wide, she returns her gaze to Benjamin who is adoringly looking back at her. All she can think of at the moment is how she is living 'the dream'. She is overwhelmed with happiness that her heart might burst from it.

But alas, if there is one thing that does not lasts for a lifetime that will be happiness. Her countenance changes to that one of sadness as she lets her gaze drop to the floor. Her tears are threatening to fall, but she does her best to not let them. Gathering all her courage to say the words that she will say, she balled her hands into fists at her side.

"I'm still leaving." She says; without waiting for a reply, she runs into her bedroom, locking the door and letting her tears fall.

Eleanor may have been foolishly in love with Ben, but she still has high regard of her moral values. She cannot let herself be the cause of others suffering. At least, at night, when she can't sleep because of thinking of Benjamin, she will be comforted with the idea that she has done the right thing, which is to stay away.