Cri De Coeur ||Mikayuu||

⚜29⚜

"Mika, hurry up in there." I sighed, banging my head on the door. Well, I was trying to. He opened it the second I was about to collide with it, and I almost hit my head on the sink instead.
"Done." He announced, breath really fucking minty as he left.
"You're cruel, man." I sighed, turning around to see him glancing over to me. His eyes were smiling with high levels of amusement, even though his lips said otherwise.

"Love you too."

There was a time, where our relationship was very similar to what we currently held- albeit platonic- that we would never have return to us, since we had both changed drastically.
It was a time in my life that could never be brought back.

Of course, I could always reminiscence on the past memories I constantly went back to when I didn't physically have Mika with me. As I stated at the mirror slash medicine cabinet, I found myself thinking about what runs through his head.

I love Yuichiro Amane.

That is a fact.

I am a freak of nature.

Another fact, provided by the Ringleader.

I cannot smile.

False. I can. A smile is something I hold down with all of my will. The reasoning why is something... Complicated. I choose not to smile for the fact that I do not deserve the chance to express joy. But, my will is surely cracking by the constant attacks from Yuu. And being slowly patched by the harsh words spewing from the Ringleader's lips.
"Someone's a downer." The feminine voice teased in the depths of my mind. "And poetic. You could actually make a living if you write down these."
If I ever get out of this damned place, I thought, narrowing my eyes at the ceiling.
"Mika, if Yuuichiro really does have Asuramaru in his mind, you're definitely getting out of here. He gets bored far too easily." Krul said, her voice cutting above the murmurs that were increasing in volume.
"He'll leave without you." One of them seethed. She attempted to shut them up by speaking over them.

It worked temporarily, until she was drowned out by the seemingly endless taunts and reminders, each voice talking of a different topic. My mother and how I didn't know if she was alive or not, my worth in the eyes of the public, how I am forever fated to be a circus monster, and, the most recent, that Yuu doesn't love me. That is the one I have to constantly shut down. He does love me. But people do fall out of love, and that is one of my greatest fears. That he will leave me. It is more possible than I want to accept.
"It can stop if you kill yo-" The voices said in unison, but was quickly cut off.

"Hey, Mika, can you help me look for the floss?"

Silence.

My mind was once again calmed, merely by his voice calling out to me. If there were to be a feature I had to choose about him that I loved the most, it would be his voice. Not only for the fact that his reassurance conquers the demons feeding on my mind temporarily, but for far more simple reasons. He shows more emotion than I do, but his voice gives him away more than his nervous habit. When I catch him staring at me for a long time, he makes an excuse that very quickly turns into a quiet murmur before giving up on lying to me. I adore his quiet whispers when everyone else is asleep, that made me ecstatic for a reason I could not explain, his taunting tone when teasing me at most hours of the day, trying to get me to return the gestures.
And, as much as I hate to say this, I loved his voice when it became hoarse after a constant verbal battle with the Ringleader. He insisted on protecting me in any way possible, which, originally, was my job. I never wanted him to get hurt the same way Colette and I had.

"Did you check in the medicine cabinet?" I asked. A short pause before he signed.
"Found it." Yuu announced.
I quietly chuckled at the fact he so persistently refused to open the medicine cabinet, although, since the day he found out which of them belonged to me, I've noticed he doesn't quite have fond memories with some of the bottles. It concerned me, but not too much.

"Man, you really love him." Krul commented as Yuu emerged from the bathroom, heading over to Lola with a broad grin, emerald eyes shining.
And when has this been news to you?
"I'm just astonished someone who hates themselves second next to their abuser can adore someone so much for so long." She said.
"Hey, Mika," Colette said to my right. I turned my head against my pillow to see her sitting up on her bunk, peering at me with a neutral gaze, silver eyes still glazed over like a mirror. Once she had my attention, she spoke again.
"How are you on your pills?" She asked, leaning over the railing. I thought back to when I was in the restroom before Yuu, taking my pills. How each and every bottle looked.
"I'm almost out." I said once the information clicked in my mind. She nodded. I wasn't exactly sure what she worked as before the circus, but the personality who cared the most for my well-being must have- or is- in the medical field.
"I'll get you some more by Friday, okay? So just hold on to what you've got 'till then." She informed me, I gave a thumbs up.

"How are you exhausted? You've been doing this for a while now!" I said in astonishment as Yuu collapsed on to the stage floor once we returned. He flipped me off for asking, so I laid across his back. He wasn't going anywhere until he apologized, which happened within five seconds of me applying light pressure on him.
"Evil." He muttered.
"Really?" I asked, tilting my head in slight puzzlement.
"No, Mika. You're the purest person here. Well, except maybe Lola, but that's besides the point." He said, rolling onto his back and sitting up.
"Don't flatter me, there's no way I'm pure at all."

"Liar." Yuu sighed, shaking his head although his eyes never left mine. Very faintly, his heartbeat pulsed in the back of my mind, almost in sync with his breathing, although never quite perfect. Behind me a door slammed open, his heartbeat faltering as his eyes flickered over my shoulders, which tensed at the abrupt sound I've grown to be constantly aware of. His green eyes narrowed, fierce in a way I knew he was unaware of, raven black hair shifting as he stood with me. Neither of us broke eye contact with the ringleader. We do many things together, this upon the list. Just as the voices began to talk to one another in hushed tones, Yuu's hand sought mine, and they all died out. One by one.

Even if the world was against me, Yuu would always be on my side.

It is one of the many reasons why I love him.

And why I always have.

Despite every thought that has been implemented into my mind,

my love remains.