To his credit, Harry does a very good job at not talking to me.
I realize about a week after the drawing incident that I was way to hard on Harry. It wasn’t his fault that I’d drawn him. It was an accident to some extent.
For the next few weeks we ignore each other completely. No eye contact. No banter or conversation. If he is on one end of the room, I’m on the other. If he’s talking to one of the band members, I’m talking to Lou. Whenever it’s time to do makeup, Harry goes straight to Lou. Everyone seems confused for a little while. Zayn, Liam, Louis and Niall don’t say anything to me but the give me bewildered looks from time to time. It’s apparent that Harry did not tell them that I drew him in detail.
We both make sure to keep our distances and not get an each others way. It’s easier like this. Isn’t it?
Is it weird that I miss something that I never had? Okay that’s a little exaggerated, this is still Harry we’re talking about here but I kind of do miss talking to him. The conversations we had and how he actually noticed me. His smile and his laugh.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel guilty. I didn’t even give Harry a chance. God I’m so horrible at relationships. This is why I don’t have any friends. I feel bad but it’s to late now. I’m not going to apologize and it’s obvious Harry is done trying to make me like him.
So I pretend like I’m okay. I’ve always been good at that. No one seems to notice that in reality I’m confused and embarrassed.
Sometimes it’s easier to pretend you don’t care than admit it’s killing you.
***
I can hardly remember the days after my mum died and I don’t like remembering them now. Her death left me with a huge gap in my life that I know will never be completely filled. Time lessened the pain a little and now I try to remember the good times I shared with he,r rather then resonating on the fact that she’s not here anymore.
However it is virtually impossible to just think of the good times when the two year anniversary of her death rolls around. I always dread this date, more than any other. Things were a lot worse for me last year though. Last year I didn’t have a good job, I wasn’t talking to anyone and I only left my house to go work in a scummy bar.
It’s so hard to believe that it’s been two years since she passed. Two years since I heard her laugh, saw her face, smelled her perfume. Time has gone by incredibly fast but I’m still not ready to move on.
I sleep recklessly and wake up at five in the morning on the anniversary of her death. On a normal day I would get up and get ready so I would have time to lounge about for a while, but today I choose to stay in bed until eleven a.m staring at the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling. I don’t make breakfast. I don’t feel hungry. Actually I don’t feel anything but numbness.
I have work and I consider calling in sick or doing anything to try and get out of it but I end up deciding to go. It’s too short notice for Lou and I can’t leave her hanging with no help. Maybe work will help me take my mind of off my mum. I could use a good distraction right now I guess. It’s impossible not to think about my mum today. No matter how many times I try and think of something else, my thoughts always go back to her.
I don’t really try very hard style wise today. I don’t care enough to try. I tie my messy hair into a bun not bothering to really brush it out. Then I pick up whatever happens to be clean and close by, which ends up being a white tank top, a tan/brown long sleeved sweater and black skinny jeans. I put on a bit of mascara, a small amount of light pink eyeshadow and peppermint lib balm. I don’t even bother looking in the mirror and instead walk straight out the door. I feel almost physically sick with grief as I head to the last One Direction photo shoot before tour starts in a week and a half. Great tour. I get to try to ignore Harry in different countries. I’m just hoping I get some down time in each country to look around and do some sketches.
