It comes in waves. First denial. Then anger. Sadness. Mixed emotions. Finally acceptance.
But when you finally accept the fact, it's still not easy. You still get mixed emotions one moment your eating popcorn, then you're crying because maybe just maybe that could be your last popcorn.
That literally happened like five minutes ago and I had to throw away the popcorn because it got all nasty.
I hop off the couch and walk up to my room grabbing my phone. There's a bunch of messages from Ethan like 'babe pls talk to me' or 'did I do something?'
I decided it's for the best not to talk to Ethan anymore, trust me it hurts like hell, but I care about him to much to hurt him like that.
I delete the messages and plug in my phone. I want to spend the rest of my time with him but in the end all I would be doing his hurting him.
I'm so happy that Ethan's mom didn't tell him, I don't know what I would've done.
My mom on the other hand is constantly worrying about me. Checking on me non-stop, seeing if I need something. Sometimes I feel like she's more distraught about this whole thing than I am. One of my biggest worries is leaving her behind. I'm an only child and my dad left before I was born, so she doesn't have anyone but me.
"I need to do something," I murmur under my breath and hop out of bed.
"Mom I'm gonna run up to the mall, do you need anything?" I ask already halfway out the door.
"No I'm okay, do you want me to come with you?"
"I'll be alright mom, really," I reply reassuringly.
Ethan is on my mind the entire ride there. Mainly because he won't stop blowing up my phone. A part of me just wants to block him, but the other part makes me want to text back.
I turn off my phone and walk into the extremely busy mall. To be honest I don't need anything I just wanted to get out of the house.
I take some money out of my pocket that I had grabbed and stare at it for a while.
"Fuck it," I mumble and walk into one of my favorite stores. I usually don't get a lot here because it's so expensive but what does it really matter when I can't even use my money in about a year anyways, so might as well use my money while I can.
All of the things I couldn't have before because they were to much, are now currently in my shopping bags as I walk out of each store.
I come across a really nice dress store, so I walk inside. My hands touch every single dress as I walk down each aisle. I spot a white dress that's hanging up on the very end of the aisle so I drop my bags and walk over to it.
I take it off the rack and I smile to myself. "Your so beautiful," I say to the dress then laugh because I'm seriously going insane, I'm sitting here talking to a dress.
I quickly go in the dressing rooms and try it on. For the first time in forever I actually look good. It hugs me in all the right places, and it's the perfect length dragging on the floor just a little. And It glimmers in the light from the sparkles around my chest.
I slip the dress off and set it down. I know I'm going to buy it, but I will never wear it, I never go anywhere. Staring at the dress makes me realize something, and I know when I can wear this gorgeous dress.
I'll wear it at my funeral.
I take a shaky breath in and say to myself, "well Jade at least you will look hot at your funeral."
I chuckle slightly trying to take my mind off of the subject. I'm here to have fun and spend all the money I want, this isn't supposed to be a sad time.
I go back out into the store and grab a ton of other dresses, then quickly try them all on. None of them compare to the first one, but it's still fun to try them on.
Finally a lady comes up to me and says quite rudely, "are you actually going to buy anything? This isn't a playground."
"Hmm I don't know yet, have to try a few more on haven't decided which one yet." I snap back and legit run up and down the aisles laughing trying to find another dress.
"I think this color would look quite nice on you," a voice from behind me says causing me to stop running and almost fall over.
"What color is it?" I ask turning around then stop when I see Ethan. "How the hell do you keep on popping up every where I go? And what are you doing in this store?"
"Buying a dress obviously, but seriously you should try this on I think it would look good on you," he says holding up a maroon skimpy dress.
I roll my eyes and walk away picking up my bags and my white dress.
"Hey don't go I was only joking, well half joking you would actually really look good in that, but wait."
"I just can't do this right now, okay just leave me alone." I say going up to pay for the dress.
"Did I do something? What did I do? Why won't you text me back? What happened when you were at my house, what did I do wrong?" his questions jumbling together.
"No Ethan you didn't do anything wrong, I just can't do this." I reply hoping he'll just leave it at that.
I hand the snobby cashier my money and carry all my bags out of the store.
"Here let me carry some of those," Ethan offers taking some of the bags.
"Thanks," I mutter.
"So what's up with the shopping spree?" He asks.
"Needed a couple things I guess," I snicker.
"Yeah just a couple things," he motions to the millions of bags I have, "when will I get to see you in that dress that you just got?"
"Not for a while hopefully," I say sarcastically.
"But whyyy I bet you look absolutely gorgeous in that, even though you look beautiful in anything."
I blush then reply, "who knows maybe you'll see me in it sooner than expected," I give a half hearted smile.
"But you know what I really want to see you in?"
"Huh."
"This," he drags me into Victoria's Secret while I shake my head laughing.
He looks around then spots something making me go over to it. It's a red lace bra and panties (A/N: I hate that word so much) . He lifts his eyebrows up waiting for my response.
"I'm only going to try this on because I like it not because your horny little ass thinks it will look good on me," I laugh.
I go into the dressing room and try it on, it's my size so it fits. Ethan has good taste cause this actually does look good on me. I take out my phone and snap a couple pictures, but then quickly delete them because they didn't look as good as I thought they would.
I walk out to Ethan and give him what he wants to hear,"I guess you were right, you have good taste."
"I bet you taste good too," he whispers in my ear causing me to blush hardcore.
"Ethan," I laugh gently pushing him. "Remember I'm not doing this ok, I really like you but I just can't."
"But why not, Jade the more time I spend away from you, the more I want to be with you. Just being away from you made me realize," He takes in a deep breath," I love you."
All his words sink in, and honestly I could say the same about him. If my time is limited on this earth I might as well spend the rest of the time I have with the person I love, Ethan Dolan.
I hug him and let out the words I've wanted to say, "I love you too." I look up at him and he had the biggest smile on his face. "But I don't want to hurt you."
"If being with you is a risk of getting hurt, that's a risk I'm willing to take, I just want to be with you," he smiles.
He doesn't understand what I mean when I say hurt. I don't know if telling him right now is the right time. Seeing him smile makes me feel worse because in the end I know I'm going to hurt him. At this point I start tearing up a bit, and Ethan holds me.
"Ssh don't cry baby girl, I love you."
