Write A Shot Contest: Tragic

ENTRY 18

Title : Silenced Tongues
Pseudonym : @NiqueCordova

Depression. In some referrence books and websters, it may be defined as a serious medical condition in which a person feels very sad, hopeless, and unimportant and often is unable to live in a normal way.

But I guess the resources are wrong. It was really wrong. I guess it's because they don't feel it that is why they can't understand it and define it correctly.

Depression cannot be explained easily, people who don't have it think it's just sadness and tears but people who suffer from it know the whole story, life begins to feel too long, people tend to do things like smoking, drugs and drinking to try and make the numb, helpless feeling go away.
It's the feeling where you want to tell someone how you feel but the fear of being judged and then regretting telling someone straight away.

You can't define it. But we can describe how it feels like.

It's the feeling of guilt, worthlessness and the feeling that you're dead inside but still living.

It controls your mind and destroys the person you are, it's not something you can "Just get over", you end up being your worst enemy.

Depression isn't about having an extreme feeling of sadness. People thinks that depression is all about crying and wearing black. But no. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. Benumb with emotions, unable to feel the happiness and even sadness. It is when you want to feel something but your heart won't response and feels nothing at all. Being dissemble and hides your feelings because it is best left unsaid. And you'd keep all your opinions on the inside because you know it is the safest place, inside you. Depression is when you can feel that you are broken, physically and emotionally. When you wake up everyday and realise that you don't deserve any of this, but tries to survive the day by grasping unto something you can hold on. Depression is when you feel a sudden bolt of emotion, like when you are lying on the bed in the middle of the night, you'd realise that you are very unfortunate and pathetic then starts crying. Sometimes you feel sad without any reason, and you can't help it nor deal with it. Depression is being complicated. At some point, people thinks you are crazy, that you have a violent change of moods. It is when people can't understand you. And lastly, depression is feeling that you lost something and couldn't point whatever it is, but then you'll realise what you lost is you.

You smile but you're not really happy, you ask but you don't want to know, you're talking but you aren't saying anything, you laugh but you don't find it funny, you cry but it doesn't really mean anything, you get up but you're not really awake, you sleep but you aren't resting, you're alive but you aren't really living.

I am a depressed teenager. Been locked up in a situation where I am trying to hide myself with fake smiles and laughs. Most days I've been spending my spare time with a blade, cutting my wrist. Counting my blemishes, locking myself up in a room and stares at nothingness.

People like me doesn't interact much with others. We are all mute, too afraid to tell anything, to terrified for any possibilities.

I am mute with emotions, deaf with expressions.

Our world is for independent suicidal people, or the silenced tongues world.

Some days, people like me wants to scream with the wonders life, the slice of a blue sky, a small brown bird's chirp goodbye, a slim freckled shoulder beneath a pale silk dress.

But some lone, long nights, people like me want nothing but to curl beneath the blanket, close our eyes and die.

Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern. Just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essential and solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door.