Moving Forward (Prequel to Starting Over)

Chapter 2

Tobias
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I can't believe that she's really gone. It's been a little over a year, and it still breaks my heart to think about it. I've shut almost everyone out of my life.

"Four, if you still want to go then we have to go now, man," Zeke says as he knocks on my door. His voice is dull, so unlike his normal hyper self. I guess I'm not the only one impacted by what we're doing today.

I carefully grab the urn off of my dresser and walk out of my apartment. Zeke stands somberly across from my door, flanked by Uriah, Christina, Lynn, Shauna, and Marlene. Every time I look at Uriah I know that at least he made it back from the Bureau. When they went to pull the plug a miracle happened: Uriah's heart kept beating and his lungs kept breathing. It took nearly two more months, but he was eventually strong enough to wake up from his coma and return home.

I follow my friends silently as we head to the tower they zip line off of. When I walk into the elevator I feel my heart start racing and my breathing get heavier. I close my eyes and focus on my breathing. I'm doing this for her.

Soon we're at the top of the building and I'm able to breathe again when the metal doors slide open. That doesn't last long though when I notice how high up we are. My throat goes dry and my palms turn sweaty.

How did she ever do this?

Zeke interrupts me from my thoughts when he tells me that we still have to climb a ladder to the roof. I will my face to remain the cold, hard mask that it's been for the past year as I make my way up the ladder. Today is the first day in forever that I haven't felt like Four; I haven't felt so cold. Maybe it's the fact that today marks one year since it happened. It seems to make me feel more like Tobias. That's what she'd want. I guess today makes me feel more connected to her, although I also feel like I'm breaking inside.

"Four, it's time. You sure you still want to do this?" I nod in response. I hadn't realized that I've been standing on the roof, starting emptily out at the Chicago skyline. "How do you want to go down?" he asks as he sets up the harness.

"How did she go down?" I ask.

Zeke smiles at me. "Headfirst."

Of course she did. Why wouldn't she? She was fearless. I want so badly to run while Zeke straps me into the harness.

"You ready?"

No. "Yes."

"Then here you go!" Zeke pushes me and the harness starts gliding down the line. I want to scream but my words are ripped out of my mouth by the howling wind. I carefully open the urn and let the contents scatter on the wind during my descent. She should at least get to fly once more.

I want to cry and scream, but I can see why she loved this feeling. I feel so free. I can't say that I'll ever do this again, but I understand now at least.

An hour later I walk through the door to my apartment and put the now empty urn on the kitchen counter. I feel like I can't catch my breath. I'm empty without her. It's been a year and it still feels like it happened yesterday. People tell me that it'll get better with time, but I know that it won't. If anything I've gotten more and more distant; I keep everyone locked out. I am ice. I'm cold and hard. I freeze people out.