Moving Forward (Prequel to Starting Over)

Chapter 4

Tobias
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I silently complain to myself as I set up the fear simulations for the final day of initiation. I can't help but think about Tris. Everything brings up memories of Tris and it pisses me off. I miss her and I want her back and it's like the universe keeps taunting me, reminding me that I can't have her.

"Get out," I say when I hear the door open. I don't look up. I don't care who it is.

"How's it going?" Uriah asks.

"Oh, just great," I say sarcastically. "My girlfriend is dead and I'm being forced to run initiation even though it reminds me of her and puts me through hell every day. But other than that everything's just perfect." I sound harsh even to myself, but I can't bring myself to care.

"Well, Christina sent me to see if you needed anything."

"You can tell Christina-"

"Hey, Four!" Christina flounces into the simulation room and plops down in a chair.

"What?" I snap.

"Well good morning to you too, Mr. Grumpy Pants." I growl in response. "Fine. Do you need anything?"

"Well, as I was telling Uriah, I would love it if I could have my girlfriend back, but that's clearly not happening."

"Four, you need to move on. Everything will be alright. You'll find someone else and when you're with her you'll stop feeling like you're dying inside. You'll never fully get over her, but you will move on. You need to move on."

"No, I'll never find someone else. You're right that I'll never fully move on, because I'm never going to move on. I loved her and I'm never going to move on from that. Run the simulations yourself today."

I storm out of the room. They at least have the sense not to follow me. Everyone keeps telling me that I should move on and that it'll be okay, but that doesn't help. I can't move on because I loved her. I still love her. It won't be alright because she's gone. They might be able to accept that but I can't.

I find myself in the training room in front of a punching bag. I don't wait to tape my knuckles before I start attacking the bag. I feel my knuckles split but I just don't care. Without her it's so hard to care about anything.

I viciously attack the bag for a few minutes in a rage before I lose the adrenaline rush that was keeping me going. I collapse onto a bench and assess the damage. I'm panting and can't catch my breath. My hands are bloody and shaking. I'm bruised, sweaty, and thirsty. I don't regret it though.

"Are you alright?" a girl asks me. She's a transfer initiate. I think her name's Kaylee or something. I glare at her in response.

"Fine, glare at me and don't respond. That's what you do, isn't it?" She crosses her arms over she chest. She's covered in sweat. "You act like you don't care about anything because you think it makes you invulnerable to pain. You pretend you don't feel things because if you feel things then you could get hurt. You act all Dauntless but underneath it all you're a big coward!" Her voice slowly builds until she's screaming at me.

"Don't act like you know me because you don't. The only person who really knows me is dead. Is there something you want to say to that?" Her face turns from anger to shock. She doesn't say anything. "I didn't think so." I get up and walk to the door.