In Repair

-CHAPTER ONE-

-LOLA'S P.O.V.-

I slowly walked down my dark street, putting one foot in front of the other, hugging my black leather jacket tighter against my body, trying to stop the chill of the night from seeping through the thick material and onto my skin. I watched as my breath fogged up into a small little cloud in front of my face before slowly disappearing into thin air. The only sound I could hear were my own steady breaths and my worn out black and white converse scuffing on the cracked pavement beneath me. I preferred to walk at night rather than during the day. It was more peaceful this way, I could think clearly without all the noise of cars speeding past me and having strangers arms banging into my own telling me to move out of the way as they hurried down the busy street.

As my mother's white and grey house came into view I sighed knowing that he would most likely be there. I walked as slow as I could to try and delay going inside, but eventually my feet landed on the slightly damp grass that belonged in my mother's front lawn. I slipped the spare key out from underneath the small flower pot filled with white daisies that sat beside our bright red front door. I had always despised that colour, it was too bright, too happy looking. I pushed the silver key into the lock and twisted it before bending down and putting the key back into place under the pot. I stood back up, twisting the doorknob and stepped into the warm air of mum's house.

As I walked through the dimly lit hallway i could smell mum's cooking drifting from the kitchen.

Don't eat too much, you'll get fat. One of the many thoughts that go through my head every day.

I could hear the muffled sound of mum talking to him through the closed door, the sound of his voice making my skin crawl with disgust and goosebumps rise all across my body. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes before putting on a fake smile and entering the kitchen. The sight before me was one I didn't exactly want to see, Mum was standing at the stove stirring some sort of red curry that was inside of a pot, but his arms were firmly planted around her waist. My smile faltered as I saw how happy she looked,don't get me wrong I love it when I see Mum smile, she doesn't do it as often as she used to, but when she smiles because of him and it makes me angry because it's never her children making her smile, just him.

I coughed awkwardly causing them both to jump apart and turn to face me, never once looking over at him.

"Just letting you know i'm home." I smiled and quickly turned around to walk back out into the hallway. As soon as I was out of the kitchen and had the door shut firmly behind me, my smile was gone completely.

I pushed open the door to my bedroom, looking around at my empty cream coloured walls, the cold air making a chill going down my spine, before dropping my backpack onto my floor, turning on my heater and slowly bending down to sit in front of it, attempting to warm myself up. I wince as I slowly bend my legs to sit down, the cuts on my thighs from the previous night burning where the fabric of my jeans rubs against them. I could feel my back sliding down the hard wall making my shirt ride up, leaving my lower back exposed. I turned on my music then sat down beside my heater again. I could see my vision blurring and this time I didn't try to stop the flood of tears that came streaming down my face. Today was one of my worse days.

I walked to school today. As I stepped out into the slightly cool morning air, wrapping my arms around my body, I got the feeling that today wasn't going to be a good one, I was already running late and I doubt my best friend Casey will wait for me at the dairy so we can walk the rest of the way to school together. I finally reached the dairy I could see the long blonde hair that belonged to Casey, in the distance. I texted her telling her I could see her, all she responded back was that I better hurry and she kept walking. The thing is she wouldn't have done that to anyone else in our friend group, but it always ends up happening to me. I kept walking, my head down, headphones in and my arms wrapped protectively around myself, putting one foot in front of the other, my thoughts already tiring me out. When I got closer to Casey I noticed long brown hair coming from another one of my best friends, Alex. I texted Casey telling her I was pretty much just behind her and asked her if she could stop and wait. She just looked at her phone and put it back into her blazer pocket, not even bothering to reply.

I went through some of the day normally, plastering on my fake smile so nobody thought something was up. It all started to go downhill at lunch. I didn't eat anything because my "friends" all made a comment about how much shitty food I had in it so i put it all away and didn't think twice. My friend group all sat and started talking, not letting me join in as usual so I sat slightly away from them, listening in on what they were talking about. This is something i've become good at doing over time, listening, I never talked so I choose to stay quiet and listen.

As I sat in the back of my english classroom after lunch with my four best friends they were all talking amongst themselves. I turned to look over towards them, only to come face to face with the black back of our uniforms blazer. Of course why would I even try to join in on their conversation, it's not like they would include me anyway...

By the end of the day my smile had disappeared completely. I was at the point where I honestly didn't care who saw my constant frown anymore. We walked out of my last period class, science which i had with Casey , she began walking faster than me to get to Alex, Lucy and Natalie, from their maths class. I decided to stay behind and go the other way and just go home instead of meeting up with them.

So now here I am sitting in my room alone, crying, my thoughts racing through my head at 100mph.

Kill yourself. You know you want to.

Go over to your desk and bring out your blade, you know what to do next.

Fat.

Pathetic.

Ugly.

Go die.

Everyone hates you. Even he does.

These are only a few of the many. My hands grip the sides of my head trying to push the thoughts out of my head. I want to scream, scream so loud that my throat is raw.

I give in to my thoughts and take small steps over towards my desk and pull on the wooden draw attached to it, I pull out the black glasses case that holds my blades. I carefully pick up the long thin silver one that i have been using lately, a while back I took apart one of my razors that I used for shaving and had gotten two thin silver blades that were perfect for what I needed them for. I sat down on my bed, the springs creaking under my weight. My shorts have been rolled up, revealing the fading scars and the fresh cuts. I took a deep breath as I looked towards my thighs, looking at how fat they look. I bring the slim blade towards my skin, tracing patterns before positioning it on a empty piece of skin on my thigh. I pull the blade along my skin feeling the familiar burning sensation before seeing the blood pooling in the now fresh cut, quickly grabbing the tissue sitting on the bed beside me and wiping the dripping blood before it can drip onto my pale green bed sheets. By the time I had finished I had multiple cuts burning my upper thigh, but I didn't mind, it made me focus on the physical pain rather than my mental pain. I know that this relief will only last a short while as the pain will slowly subside and the mental flow of pain will come back but it makes me feel somewhat okay for a little while.

I carefully pulled my shorts back over the fresh cuts and stood up on shaky legs, trying to get my walking back to normal without wincing every time i took a step. I decided to check my phone and see if i had any texts, but of course there were none waiting for me. Sighing, i scrolled through Instagram a little bit seeing the familiar faces of my best friends all in a group photo without me, this doesn't surprise me though, they would all be doing something without me but i didn't mind it, i was used to it so i just turned off my phone and took a nap.

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okay ik this started off dark AF and it's not going to be this dark the whole way through but this is just the start and it's introducing Lola and kinda i guess what she's like so don't judge too fast okay 

love you all xx