Saying I practiced a little was a definite under statement. I practiced rigorously day and night. I remembered some vocal exercises I had been taught and done them over and over for hours on end. When I felt like I had improved thus far, I decided on a song. That was the tricky part, but once I settled on a song I changed it to fit and compliment my voice. Everything was coming together, the determination carrying me all the way. Then finally the day came.
Viviana came and picked me up like always and we walked down to school. We arrived in music class a little late, but the teacher didn't mind. A stool was set for me and I sat down on it strapping my guitar and slinging it over my shoulder. I looked up momentarily, taking in all the faces of my peers and students. Viviana gave me a thumbs up and for some reason my eyes found Ashton. He had a look of boredom in his eyes as he turned to talk to Calum. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I would not let him get to me. I opened my eyes before I strummed a few chords and began the song.
"I stare at my reflection in the mirror
"Why am I doing this to myself?"
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf.
No, no, no, no, no..."
I poured my raw emotion into the song. I could relate to these lyrics and singing it soft and slow, as I was doing, seemed to create this wave of emotions that coursed around me.
"Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
Who you are, who you are, who you are."
I said the words more to myself than to the class. I couldn't beat myself up any longer. I couldn't keep telling myself that everything was my fault. I needed to start being more confident and accept I am who I am and stop trying to change.
"Yes, no's, egos, fake shows, like whoa!
Just go and leave me alone!
Real talk, real life, good love, goodnight,
With a smile that's my own!
That's my own, no...
No, no, no, no, no..."
I sucked in a breath as my voice began to quiver. All the emotions I had been able to keep down for years began to bubble and boil inside me. I toned down the guitar to a single strum.
"Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay...
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
Yeah yeah yeah..."
I ended the song and didn't dare look up. All sounds seemed to be blocked out and I set down the guitar and rushed out of the room. I was going to break. Into millions of tiny pieces and I didn't know if I would be able to fix myself. I didn't know if I could survive this and be fine in the end. I ended up in the bathroom.
I hoisted myself up onto the bathroom counter and let my legs dangle off the ledge as I watched them swing with lifeless eyes that tears dropped out of. A single tear hit my leg and sprung off breaking into smaller droplets until they hit the floor. That's how my heart felt. My head hung low and my body ached physically and emotionally all over. I felt completely numb and blank.
My hands sprang up and clasped nothing and I fell to the floor. My knees came up so I later there in fetal position. Tears pooled out of my eyes, desperate sobs came out of my mouth and my body shook vigorously as I slowly began to break. I excepted no one to come, but part of me wish someone had.
I got up slowly from the ground and glanced at myself in the mirror. I had bags under my blood shot eyes and my hair was a mess. I decided to just leave. I went and signed myself out and walked myself home, but once I was in my room the sobs over took my body, and this time they wouldn't stop.
