Sweet Sadistic Love (Larry Stylinson)

My Mission

HARRY'S P.O.V

                                                                                                                                                                      August 6, 2010

Dear Journal,

Lately me and the lads have been getting closer, we have learned many new things about eachother and I couldn't be happier. They have all come to mean so much to me, in a way they are like brothers, but the ones you like ofcourse. I'm not saying that I don't love my sibling, because trust me I do. Gemma has always been there for me and I'm almost positive that she always will be. She has been through thick and thin with me, I honestly don't think she is going anywhere. Although I have disappointed her and my mum countless times with my past actions, I know that they love me dearly and they would never intentionally hurt me or leave me.

I have hurt them both so much though, I don't understand why they are still standing by me to be honest. I put them through hell and back, then back to hell again. I don't know why I am the way I am or why I end up breaking people apart, all I know is that I always seem to break the people I care for the most. The way they cried because of me hurts, a lot; I still remember Gemma's shocked and heart broken face when she walked in on me. She looked so lost and frail, it hurt so god damn much because it was all my fault. Her tears, her cries, her pleas, and her broken soul were all my god damned fault. My mind still wanders to that day she found me on the bathroom floor, the way she whispered in my ear "it will be okay Harry, its gonna be okay. I promise" ,the way her arms clung to my body so tight I couldn't breath, the way her tears ran down my cheek instead of hers.I remember it all so clearly, god it hurts.

I would tell you what happened but I'm afraid. Afraid of sharing the darkest part of my heart, afraid of letting go. I don't want to let go of this burden, even though I hate it so much. I want to let go of the past but I can't quite bring myself to doing it. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell you without worry and regret laced with every word I write. One day, but I'm afraid that that day won't come as soon as you would hope. Its hard to let go of the past; both good and bad. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for a lot of things, but that doesn't matter really.

Okay, I should probably tell you about good things, happy things, and amazing things so I remember those moments more clearly rather than the bad ones when I read this later on in life. So onwards from this depressing shit straight to the amazing things that have happened.

Yesterday I went out to lunch with Louis. It was amazing. I know it wasn't a date or anything of the sort, just a friendly gesture on my part, but that doesn't matter it was still fan-fucking-tastic. Excuse my illogical words and grammer, I just have got to use my own words sometimes to make this "remembering" thing more easy.

Back to Louis. I took him to the shops first and then to a nice restaurant called 17 Black. Louis looked so refreshed and genuinely happy for once, ever since his breakup with Hannah he hasn't really smiled the same, but every once in a while I go out of my way to make sure it appears again. I absolutely love making him smile and laugh, it makes my heart flutter and my stomach erupt into a million butterflies.

Louis kept giggling silently to himself after I told him embarrassing stories about my odd life, trying to make him feel better. I told him pointless jokes and horrible puns, but he laughed so I guess the fact that they sucked doesn't matter. Anyways, when we got to the venue I went into this "impress him, don't fuck up" mode. It was quite hilarious actually, I tried poorly to be cheeky and flirtatious. I made a complete fool of myself most likely but that's okay, he seemed to enjoy it. We both had steak, medium rare to be exact, green beans, and mashed potatoes. Since we are obviously not of age we couldn't have wine so we both settled for orange juice. I know that's child like but hey, we all have that child inside of us that forever lives. I didn't have much money or time to plan this day since the band has been working effortlessly to go as far as we possibly can, but we finally had a day off so ofcourse I managed to do a little something. Especially for Louis, the blue eyed, beautiful boy.

We talked about everything and nothing at the restaurant, it was probably meaningless to him, but to me it meant the world. Just being able to talk to him about absolutely anything is enough to make my world ignite into burning flames of happiness. The way his lips form his words and the way his accent makes some words sound oddly beautiful makes me bubbly on the inside. His soft fringe, ocean blue eyes, and entire being makes me die internally because he is too perfect to even begin to comprehend. I swear Louis is a God.

I just realized that Louis is that crush I fantasize about on silent nights and lonely mornings, he is the crush I dream about at night about and I dont regret it one bit. I'm glad he is the one that invades my thoughts and fills my dreams, it's relaxing and strangely  beautiful. Relaxing because the thought of him can instantly bring a smile to me face and calm my soul; stranglely beautiful because this type of thing is unimaginable and unheard of, but its still beautifully displayed and interpreted.

Louis is a flower with torn leaves. So beautiful but broken. He may not know it, but I can see it. The way he stares off into the distance with a blank expression and when he goes to bed early, not because he's tired and wants to sleep, but because he is tired of feeling sad. I can see his petals falling off and I refuse to let another one fall to the cold ground he walks on. I will do anything to see his wilting heart flower again. I will do anything to see his genuine smile last longer than a few hours, I swear to god I will.

I'm his missionary and he is my mission.

Goodbye for now.

Love,

Harry