HARRY'S P.O.V
September 6, 2010
Dear Journal,
Tonight is the final show, tonight me and the boys find out who wins X-factor. The boys and I are so fucking nervous; we made it to the top three and I hope to god we are first. If we come in second or third, that will be okay though because I have had the pleasure to come this far. I won't let losing rain on my parade, even though my dreams will be crushed. Dreams of winning X-Factor with the lot will be crushed if that happens, and honestly I'm scared shitless.
What if we don't win and we never see eachother again? Will I ever see Lou again? Will I ever see his breathtaking smile, incredibly cute, button nose, soft hands, and amazingly blue eyes again? I know that the boys and I already discussed this, we said we wouldnt break apart, but I'm not so sure about it. People lie and promises are always broken in some way; what if that way is never seeing eachother again? I will be so lost without them, they are the outermost wall of my strength and Louis is the core of it.
I have come to realize that I am falling way too hard and fast for this boy and it scares me. Louis just scares me. Not himself, just the way I'm so attracted to him; its like he is the sun and I am the earth. He has the strong gravitational pull that keeps me alive and keeps me going. Louis is the sun, the moon, and all the stars because he lights up my world in so many ways. He is so beautifully placed in my sky I don't know what I would do If I looked up one day and he was gone, wiped of the face of the earth, erased from my life. I would probably fall deeper into the dark hole that is in the back of my mind. It will soon take over if this monstrous act is done. If Louis is taken away from me I will fall into that hole, never to come back again. Louis is my wonderwall. I'm am so infatuated by him, he invades my every thought; all my good ones anyway. He invades the bad ones too, but the darkness usually overtakes the good thoughts after a while. Que my overly exult sighs of sadness. If you couldn't tell, that was sarcasm.
I hate this feeling. The feeling of abandonment and loneliness, the feeling of sadness and deprivation; they all eat away at my heart helplessly never stopping. I want it desperately to stop, I just want Louis to hold me, or vice versa. I want the whole world in my hands, but I'm stuck with watching the world slowly slither away from me. Why can't I just be brave and tell Louis how I feel? Why do I have to be fucking gay? Why do I have to be incredibly messed up inside? Why the fuck was I stuck with this unbearable weakness called love?
All I want is to be happy; yes Louis does make me happy, but I can't physically hold this happiness in my arms and cherrish it for the remainder of my lifetime. That's all I want, I want to love and be loved unconditionally and be happy. I want to except and be excepted, I want to hear and be heard, I want to feel without feeling! Is that too hard for my prayers to comprehend? Am I just a helpless case in Gods eyes? Does anyone even love me or care for me?
I'm such a melodramatic, doubtful person right now. I'm sorry for that, but your stuck with me for the remainder of these pages. If I were you, I would hate me. Even though I already do, I would just hate myself more. I wouldnt want to listen to some gay kids worries and doubts. I wouldn't want to listen to anybodies problems unless they were Lou's problems. I could listen to his sweet voice all day long, I could listen to his secrets and help his helpless soul. I could, I really could.
I want to someday be Louis' secret, the one thing he keeps hidden so he can cherrish it all for himself. If it takes me a lifetime to get him to see me in his way of light, then I will do it. Even if I have to sacrifice every living part of my being do so. After all, if he finally does see me in his light, I will fully be alive and radiant.
I might not have much time to write anymore after tonight, it depends on what happens. I will try to write as much as possible, I just don't know what emotional state I will be in. That is if we don't win ofcourse. If we do win I will still not have much time because the boys and I will be really busy. But despite all of that, I will try my best. If months pass between now and the next time I write I am truly sorry.
Love,
Harry
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