Not Enough ➳ t.m. au

Eight

The next week, the center had been preparing for Christmas. All the decorations for Fall had come down and all their wreaths and colorful lights had been splayed across the hallways. Apparently this was Toby's favorite holiday, which was something I didn't know. Almost every shirt he wore was some kind of Christmas sweater, and whenever he walked in the hallway on the way to the roof, his eyes lit up with the sight of all the decorations.

"If I would have known you had loved Christmas so much, I would have gotten you a present," I stated as we arrived at the fire escape window.

He glanced at me and shrugged slightly. "Your presence is the only gift I need." He said it so nonchalantly that I almost didn't notice, but when I did, I looked at him and saw him grinning towards me. "Speaking of Christmas, last year they had this Christmas party and it was the best thing I had experienced in my life. There was so much alcohol snuck in and the music was amazing and-" he stopped himself to gasp in a breath and breathed out through his nose. "Would you want to be my date?"

My eyes widened at his question and my mouth hung slightly ajar. "You want me to be your...date?"

Toby smiled brightly and took my hand in his. "Of course, Ash, why wouldn't I? You're amazing."

➳

The back of my Converse tapped the edge of the rehab center and I sat on the edge of the roof, the cold breeze flowing through my hair. Toby was a few steps back, and his head was tilted back as he looked at the stars above the both of us. His hands were limp by his side, and his breathing was slow and steady. He looked peaceful, and the space between us must have been too much for him, because not even a minute later, he was by my side and sitting down, his feet dangling off the edge as well.

"I thought you were afraid of heights?" He asked with his head tilted slightly.

I shook my head and let my hands grip the edge of the building. "I'm scared of falling. Well, used to be."

"You're not anymore?"

I slightly grinned and let out a short laugh. "I'm more afraid of death than I am of falling. It's odd, really."

"I'm sure a lot of people are scared of death, Ash." He sighed and turned his head to look at me. "Are you doing okay?"

I turned to look at him and felt my heart jump as my eyes met his. "Yeah, I just," I forced myself to tear away from his stare and looked below me to the ground. My stomach churned. "This is going to be my first Christmas without my mom."

Toby joined my stare down at the ground and let out a shaking breath. "It will be my second without my sister."

Without skipping a beat, my hand found his and held it tightly. Toby's breath hitched in his throat. "I don't know a life without her, let alone a single fucking Christmas," I choked out before feeling tears well up in my eyes. I wiped them away quickly with the sleeve of my sweater and let my breaths come slowly in and out through my mouth. "It's just going to be different."

"I know," Toby mumbled before squeezing my hand gently. He leaned his head back once again to look at the stars and let out a deep breath. "The first Christmas I had here, I got so drunk at the party and couldn't even remember one thing I did, which I don't know if that's good or bad." He then looked straight ahead at the skyline and grinned sadly. "I guess I just wanted to forget for a while."

We both sat there in silence after his statement, and we both stared out into the atmosphere. Our hands were freezing and our bodies were shaking, but being there, together, made us feel warmer than any blanket ever could.

➳

The next day consisted of Toby and I running up and down the hallways as we hung up lights and danced around like we didn't have a care in the world. When one of us would miss the hook of the light and let the lights fall to the ground, we would call one another a loser and start over. It had soon become a game, and on the fifth and final round, we were both standing on the opposite ends of the hall with each end of the string of lights in our hand, our eyes set on each other.

"Okay, so if you drop it, you lose," Toby stated as he rose an eyebrow towards me, a smirk on his lips. "And I get whatever I want."

I rolled my eyes and swung the light around. "Yeah, yeah, I get it. Now let's start!"

Toby chuckled before taking a step forward. "Okay, three, two," the anticipation between us was undeniable as he counted down, and we both lunged forward slightly. "ONE!"

And on that mark, we both sprinted forward, loud laughs both escaping our mouths, and ran past each other before we threw the string of lights against the wall, my eyes shutting forcefully as I hoped it had caught on to he small hook that was embedded into the wall and stayed. When my eyes opened and I saw that my light had fallen to the floor, and Toby's had stayed, I let out a slight growl.

"You've got to be kidding me!" I exclaimed as I snatched up my light and stamped towards Toby aggressively. He had a smug grin on his face, and his arms were crossed over his chest. "Okay, what do you want?"

He uncrossed his arms then and let his eyes scan over my face. "Tomorrow night at the party, find me."

I rose an eyebrow. "That's what you want?"

He shook his head and smirked. "Once you find me, I'll let you know. I have to think for a bit first."

I scoffed and shook my head. "Whatever."

His eyes twinkled with delight, but before he could get another word out, I dropped my end of the lights to the ground annoyingly and walked away.