L I VI N G

Self-Destruct

Can't sleep
And you're
Ruining my mind again.
How come you get to ruin me, tear me, spit over me and still get forgiveness, act of kindness, glimpse of my sadness.
Why do you get the parts of me where i'm always naïve, stubborn, blind and fragile.
I hate how you see through me like i'm glass with smudges on, and you see through the white stains like it's so easy, like nothing has changed.
You don't see that there's a thick line, a barrier that i forced to create because i don't want you to hear
How i am doing
Or
Is everything alright
What happened last night
How far is tomorrow
No. It was there in the past and you threw everything  in a pile of memories that you left in a house, which burnt with gasoline and dust.
You're not supposed to know and ask, to see and act like we are united again, happy and loving, full with clean wrists.
And i struggle with biting my tongue when everything's falling and the only help call i have is somewhere over the seas doing who the fuck knows what, too busy being the same, being safe, being afraid.
How can i not scream when you ask me, because it's my only choice and i don't know how to live with it myself, how to be independent.
Because once they open my cuffs i fall over the only edge i always saw, and the end, the bottom has been so tempting, It's so easy to cut loose and forget, dive in and don't dive out, i want it so bad, that's exactly what my independence is, but i'm not and i'm scared, never from death, but the fact that i won't come back and they'll know me as pathetic and sad.
But still you're not supposed to know and i'm not supposed to tell and not supposed to ask, because i see you better than myself and know you still somehow the same, and better than before because turns out you had a black shell that hid all these lies and ugly minds.
And i'm done. Done with your games. Even if i'm calling out there, no call will ever be meant for you, and i saw that only after a while.
I was so happy to see you
Or
You'll always be the dearest in my heart
Have you always been this sad
And
I'm sorry for this
No. Stop. You're not, and guilt does not mean you're sorry, forgiveness never means i will forget, so i truly never forgive, and you don't deserve it, i didn't deserve to be thrown over and you didn't deserve to see closer and. We had it. You throw it away. I walked away.
A self destruct button is in my head waiting for the right moment to be activated and sometimes it's harder not to push it and i struggle so much i almost hit it. And maybe all my help calls will cut and i'll end up bleeding onto your carpet leading over the seas and i'll be 6 foot deep swimming somewhere.
Can't sleep
And i'm
Close to pushing
Self
Destruct
Again