Hold On

Save Me

My eyes slowly fluttered open to find that I was laying flat on the floor on my back, my head resting on Sebastian's folded up jacket. He was standing over me, his phone in one hand, and as soon as he saw that I was awake, he dropped his phone on the ground, his entire body seeming to breathe a sigh of relief...

"You passed out... I had trouble waking you up..." He had tears running down his face, and he knelt down by my side, taking my hand in his, holding it up to his cheek "I called Chris... and was just about to call an ambulance when you started waking up. I'm gonna move you back to the couch..." He gently moved his arms underneath me, slowly lifting me up and my own arms wrapped around his neck, the sensation of being in the air nearly causing me to panic again.

"I'm such a mess Sebastian... I'm so sorry." He was holding a cool cloth to my forehead after situating me on the couch, his free hand holding tightly to mine. He pursed his lips as he shook his head at me, moving the cloth so he could feel my skin.

"You're still kinda warm, you sure you feel alright?" He was avoiding what I'd just said, and I honestly didn't blame him "Nat? I need you to answer me..." He carefully sat himself down on the edge of the couch, his hand now resting on my shoulder as I stared blankly at the ceiling, tears rolling down my cheeks as I shook my head at him.

"I feel..." He sighed, running his fingers softly down the side of my face, wiping away my tears "My entire body feels... numb." I drew in a deep breath, causing myself to cough and gasp for air, Sebastian getting a panicked look on his face as he pulled me up into a sitting position, rubbing his hand in calming circles across my back as I clung to his shirt. A loud knock on my door caused me to jump, my heart again racing as Sebastian moved away from me, and my arms clutched my knees to my chest.

"Hey Nat, Chris is here..." I didn't look up, instead pulling my knees even closer to my body, like I was trying to make myself as small as possible. I was trying to hide the fact that my chest hurt like hell, that taking a deep breath was damn near impossible. The couch dipped with Chris's weight as he sat down next to me, reaching his arm towards me and I somehow found myself taking his hand, and just, holding onto him.

"It's gonna be alright Nat. We're both here for you..." I managed a small smile, letting my body relax, my legs falling over the edge, my hand still clinging tightly to his. If I'm totally honest, it was calming to me to hold Chris's hand because well, he's Captain America...

"Can one of you help me to my bed?" I mumbled under my breath, letting go of Chris's hand so I could wipe my eyes. He stood up and took my right side, Sebastian taking my left as they both carefully helped me stand up, I couldn't stop a groan from escaping my mouth as they continued helping me down the hallway. They both stopped, Chris's hand moving to the small of my back "Don't look at me like that. I'm fine... Just, really fucking sore."

"Natalie..." They both said my name at the same time, causing me to laugh as I let go of both of them, stumbling through the doorway to my bedroom and collapsing onto my bed.

"Really guys. I just need some sleep. Cap, you can..." I trailed off as a loud yawn left my lips, Sebastian laughing under his breath, pulling the blanket over me, his fingers brushing my hair out of my face "... Chris, I meant Chris... you can sleep on the couch if you want. I know it's really late..." He nodded at me, slipping quietly out of the room to give Sebastian and I some space.

"Are you going to be absolutely honest with me now Nat?" The bed sank with his weight as he sat down on the edge, his hand resting on top of mine "I know you're tired. I know you're hurting, but I can't help you if you don't tell me exactly what's wrong..."
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We had talked for a long time, me finally falling asleep as he laid behind me, holding my body tightly against his, making me feel safe. I'd told him a lot about myself, touching on the fact that I had issues with self harm, something I hadn't even shared with Jane. Sebastian had made me show him my scars, his fingers lightly tracing along the ragged marks on my legs, tears occasionally falling against my skin. It was the most I'd ever shared myself with someone, because Sebastian just, made me so comfortable, and I knew he really cared about me.

"Hey doll..." he muttered into my hair, moving his chin to my shoulder, pulling me as close to his body as he could "Did you sleep alright?" I nodded, not saying anything as I tried to revel in the immense comfort that his touch was giving me.

"I told you there were things about me, that made me hard to love..." I pulled away from him and sat with my feet hanging over the bed, my fingers tracing the long faded scars on my legs, and then the few that were on my wrist, the one without the tattoo... those were more recent.

"Nat..." he put his arm around my shoulder as he scooted next to me, but I turned away from him. I had feelings for Sebastian, I really did, but I was so damaged, he could certainly do much better than me...

"I'm gonna shower. You and Chris are welcome to whatever..." Seb sighed when I stood up from the bed, his hands falling to his sides as he watched me walk over to my closet. I was rummaging through my dresser drawer, mindlessly looking for a clean shirt to change into, my eyes tearing up as I supported myself by leaning against the top drawer. I jumped when I felt Sebastian's hands wrapping around my waist, his fingers spreading out over the top of my shirt as I relaxed into him.

"I don't care how hard I have to try, to prove to you that you're amazing, and beautiful..." his breath was warm against my skin, but I still shivered at how intimate the moment was, and I turned around so I was facing him, his hands still resting on the sides of my hips and I stared down at the floor "Your eyes, hold so much sadness..."
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A/N:

I do not intend to romanticize self harm, it's just part of the story that will make more sense the longer it goes. If you, or anyone you know needs help, please, call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.