It's been a week away from Graham. I haven't had the guts to face him, so I e been holed up here in this cabin, the cabin I wish we could have used for our first time.
Gem has been visiting now and then. She's having a hard time keeping anything down except for when I'm feeding her.
That's what makes me believe her. No matter if we are mates or not, the baby knows it's father. If it wasn't me, she would be puking her guts up right now.
"What do you want to eat?" I'm trying to create a friendly atmosphere, a calm relationship between us. I don't want hate and fear and jealousy to mar what this really is: a mutual agreement to care for the pup.
"Anything is fine." She always says this. She doesn't want to trouble me. She's scared of Graham now, scared of the man she used to fuck so often. This must be new to her, not wanting to be around Graham.
My body feels weak and tired. I'm in pain most of be time too. This is the bonds way of punishing us. This is the bonds way of making us want each other, need each other.
I toss a pizza in the oven and slam it shut before running a hand over my aching head. All my dreams are of him.
They are of him kissing me.
They are of him fucking me.
They are of him loving me.
I can barely stand it. Even my waking thoughts have been stuck to him like superglue. I might need medical attention with the way his face comes to mind, with the way his being feels like it's being torn from mine on a permanent basis.
I feel raw, like I'm not whole, like I'm not myself.
We don't talk much, there's nothing for us to say. We just sit in silence until the pizza is done.
I rub her shoulders as she eats. The Alpha in me, the father in me, the caregiver in me, is urging me to do this. She's not my mate, but I still feel this need. I can't understand it.
It's awkward, but I think in time we will get used to this.
I'm eating the last bite of my own pizza when the door bursts open to a furious Graham.
My hand is on Gem's shoulder, still rubbing, still caring for her needs and his face is red.
"Why are you feeding that whore from your own hand!? She's not your mate! Who knows if that baby is really yours!" He doesn't waste time with his words, he just slashes them at us, hurting us.
I drop my pizza and give him a glare. His face is bruised, but his body is fully healed, no scratches left.
If he doesn't stop, he's going to have more than a few scratches no matter how much I'm hurting, no matter how much I miss his touch, his voice.
"Graham, you need to stop this. What's done is done and I'm tired of you acting like you have made no mistakes in this! You have made so many more mistakes than I have and yet I'm the bad guy? I believe what Gem has to say because I can feel it in my heart, in my being that the pup is mine! I can smell it in her that the pup is of Alpha decent. Can you not? Can you not feel the power already?" I've snapped. I'm off the rail and my power is seeping out of me in waves that want to crash and crush my mate for the way he is acting with such ignorance.
His fists are clenched. He doesn't know what to say. I've stumped him and that's a feet on its own.
"I can't toss her aside can I? She's carrying my heir! The next generation of the alpha blood-line! This is me fulfilling my duty as the next alpha and it's wrong of you to act like this can be pushed under a rug and forgotten."
He's still standing strong, but I can feel his indecisiveness, his insecurity. He has a need to be a part of this, but doesn't want to say it because he thinks we won't be able to work it out.
I send Gem on her way. This is between Graham and I. She doesn't need to witness the mess we had become.
He's throwing words out as soon as the door closes.
"I don't want this."
My heart stops for a moment, but I can't get in his head to see what he's really thinking.
"I don't want to be the third wheel in your little family! I don't want to just be your fuck buddie!"
He's pouring out his feelings, pouring out his thoughts.
"You are the one that has made us like this Graham. I never wanted it to be like this at all. I never wanted to start something with you like this. I wanted to ask you properly. I wanted to date you properly, to court you like a real mate, or to be courted by you, but nothing like this!" I'm pouring out my own feelings, waves of sadness surrounding us in an ocean of grief.
"I'm sorry, okay? I'm really sorry! I never meant for things to go this way, but everything just got out of hand! I don't know what to do to fix this! What should I do? What should we do?" He wants to fix this? He wants to be with me?
"Do you even care about me, Graham? Do you even give a shit about me, or is this because of the bond, because I'm your mate? Do you even want to be with me?" My eyes are watering and I'm losing my anger. His fists are still clenched, his jaw tight, but I can feel that he is only angry at himself.
"Tally cat... I have always cared for you.. I have always loved you. I was confused and twisted. I didn't know what to do and I didn't go about this in the right way I know, but please can we just give this a chance? I don't want to watch you make a family with someone else. I don't want to be an outsider looking in." He's pleading with me, walking closer to me. I'm not sure I can give him that. I have to think, I need to think.
He doesn't give me time, because his arms are clutching me to him so tightly that I can barely breath.
"I'm sorry Tally cat. Please can we just try to be more than just fuck buddies, more than just friends, or a twisted up version of mates? I don't want us to live the life that that will lead us too. I don't want to be like the crazy broken wolves that can't stand to live because they can't be with their mates." His face is buried in the crook of my neck, his tears are wetting me, letting me know know disturbed he is by this thought, how upset he is.
His mind slowly opens up to me and I am rushed over by a wave of feelings that almost match my own.
Want
Need
... And love.
I stay silent. I don't know what to say to him in this moment, so I continue to let him hold me and I enjoy this moment for the time it might last, because I'm not sure what will become of us, no matter how much he might pour his heart out to me.
YOU ARE READING
Hidden Bonds
Hombres Lobo(Book3) Talon Blackwood has had feelings for his best friend since before he can remember. He can't stop the staring. He can't help the glances and the slow, easy perusals. He can't change the way he is. In love, in love with his best friend ...
