fix me || • ksj •

goodbye

(Y/n) POV

Aged 19 - Flashback -

"I'm not hungry anymore" I said slowly, I gripped the plate of the spaghetti meatballs prepared in the University's canteen, then I proceeded to push it further away from me towards Luna who was eating opposite me, I couldn't bare to take another look at it, something or someone in my mind was telling me to stop.

"Are you feeling alright (Y/n), you have been like this for a while now, perhaps we should take you to the nurs-" Luna raised her voice trying to make herself heard over the loud newbies who seem to be taking over the University, I interrupted her.

"It's just a stomach ache I should be fine in a couple of days" I tried to make my voice seem lighter and more uplifting but I didn't sound convincing at all, I slouched slightly trying to think of another subject to talk about.

"If it doesn't then we are going to the nurse, promise" She held her pinky finger up like a child, I laughed amused at her sudden spike of energy, we made a pinky promise then she continued to eat her spaghetti meatballs in a hurry.

Luna had her favouite lesson next, Korean, She loved learning Korean and would often turn to me for help, as a child my aunt would always teach me Korean so I became practically fluent at the age of 15 and could write Hangul without difficulty. Now being 19 I find Korean a nice lesson to end the day.

I fiddled with the end of my sleeve then picked off the loose strands of material to pass the time, I winced quietly as I felt my cuts rub against my black long sleeved sweater.

I lifted my sleeve slowly and glided my finger over the bumps that my cuts had created, I didn't know what was wrong with me, one moment it feels so right and then after I regret it and hate myself even more, I don't understand. I always dreaded to imagine what my parents would say if they saw them, how disappointed that would be of me. Unstable, untrustworthy, useless, that's what they would call me.

"Are you happy now?" I mumbled under my breath to the popular girls who would call me fat, ugly, dumb, who would spread rumors about me for their own personal entertainment. What they said still effected me even now, I can't stop feeling uncontrollable of my body sometimes.

Why am I even upset? I come from a well off family, I guess we have never had any financial difficulties and I have always had lots of money in my bank... Maybe the wealthiest of families aren't the happiest of families.

"(Y/n)? Did you say something?" Luna said her mouth filled with spaghetti, I smiled as she sucked a leftover hanging bit of spaghetti into her mouth.

"Nope just humming a tune" I fidgeted in my seat and pulled my sleeve down, if Luna found out she would leave me for sure, then I would have no one. I started to tap my leg underneath the table, I hated sitting down for this long.

"Oh my gosh, (Y/n) It's 2 O'clock, quick we are going to be late" Luna lead the way and she placed her dirty plates on a rack near the canteen kitchen and we headed off to our final lesson of the day, Korean.

Aged 21 - Present -

"I'm just going to the bathroom" I say to Luna as I exit the sitting room and slouch up the stairs holding onto the bannister for support.

I have to get my act together before I 'spill the beans' to her, I find my way to the bathroom and wash my face with water to try to clean my head, I wipe my face on my sleeve not bothering to use the towel, my sleeve was pulled up unintentionally and I saw the damage I had actually done to my skin.

I retrace the same scars that I remember from that day in University, I don't know why that day was interesting or so special to me, maybe because it was the day before my eating disorder started to really take effect, I vaguely remember being really dizzy and nauseous the next day and nearly collapsing. Yet. I still carry on punishing myself.

I wouldn't say that I have recovered, it's not as easy as that, I try my hardest to keep the voice out of my head but it gets the better of me sometimes and I go days only allowing myself an apple.

Luna has been keeping me on track, mostly, but even she gets irritated sometimes by me. I understand that though, I think I would be annoyed at self-absorbed, self-conscious girl like me.

That's why I have made the decision to move, to somewhere I have actually never been before, my aunt had told me so many good things about Seoul, the lights, the people, how much fun she had living there in her young adult years, it helped that I knew the language as well.

My aunt, Rose, is the only person that I have told, she helped me find an apartment and she gave money towards my flight and accommodation in Gangnam, Seoul. Everything is sorted out now it's just the case of getting on my early flight, I would stay over at Rose's house the night of the flight, she offered to drop me off at the airport and wait with me until it was time for me to head off, which was really sweet of her considering that my flight was at 3 O'clock in the morning.

I knew my parents wouldn't mind, they hardly paid any attention to me, even when I was younger we would spend dinner time in silence and we would hardly spend any time with each other out of the house. It was hard to tell my parents things, they didn't know about my problems, or they just didn't care, I was okay with that I had Rose after all.

Now to tell Luna.

I walk down the narrow stairs of my parents house, I breathe out loudly and cheer myself on in silence.

"London can get a bit repetitive, can't it?" Luna sighs starting the conversation she turns to me slightly then went back to Gazing at the rain trickling down the glass of the window, I think she noticed that I had been out of it the last couple of months. She pauses waiting for a reply.

I couldn't keep it from her any longer, I mean, she's my best friend. I hate keeping things from her like this, I regret not telling her earlier.

"Luna... I'm moving to Seoul" I say in a hurry, I turn away from her expecting her to flip out on me. Instead she stood there in shock.

"(Y/n)... W-why so soon? Maybe you should think about it for a few months yeah?" She says her lip quivering "This is a joke right, it's not very funny"

"It's not, I'm sorry, I wanted to tell you sooner, I just couldn't find the right time" I look into her green eyes and brush my hand through my (h/c) hair.

"I don't understand, why? When? Who with?" She says seeming  worried.

"I have been planning this for a long time now, I have always wanted to live in Seoul... this is my chance, I need to get away from my parents and make a living on my own, I'm going in two days, Rose has already got things sorted. Just myself, I promise I will call you every week, if you promise to call me as well" I say on the verge of tears.

She hugs me, her tears soaking into my (f/c) sweatshirt. "I wish you had told me sooner (Y/n)" her voice muffles and cracks a few times in my sweatshirt.

"I know I am really sorry, and I know that you won't forgive me very easily" we pull away from each other and she smiles at me.

"Well, this is a good excuse for a shopping spree!" She says wiping her tears away "Tomorrow we will go to Oxford Street* and find clothes that scream Seoul" she laughes and we both head upstairs and get ready to go to sleep.

* ~ Street in London filled with Shops (designer & some non-designer)

Stay healthy ~ Ali x

I hope you enjoyed this first chapter sorry if it is a bit boring it will get better I promise, please vote, comment and follow, it will be much appreciated!

Ali x:)

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