Trapped In My Thoughts...

Dear self,

  Dear self, there's a feeling in my stomach, I just can't shake it. It's almost like I'm cold or sick and I just can't break it. My heart is kinda racing my mind got kinda slow, it's like anxiety mixed with depression a feeling well known. Its hard, trying to talk to someone whose never been there, they don't know what you're feeling so you hide behind a single tear. Its not a fear, it's a timid strength. Something I've always had going for me, when I put on my game face. Dear self, the things I feel inside are kinda foreign to my friends, after the first few people let me down when I let them in. I lost my best friend once because my depression was strong and I wasn't diagnosed yet, only knew about anxiety all along. But then someone told me that it was all fake, I didn't struggle with any mental illnesses or insomnia, laying awake. I tried to hide it, bottled it up, drew it on paper or write and I was afraid that someone else would judge my pain. Dear self, no matter what they say i'm not a fake, I'm not a liar or an asshole, I'm a fucking human being with feelings that matter. I'm a person. I don't always cope with things the best but I'm getting better, I'm pushing through the stormy weather. In my mind, I was strong as could be, I could handle anything that anybody threw at me and I'm the end I lost someone people and I tore myself apart, but I let go of some of my fear and gave myself a whole new start.dear self, I'm doing fine. Not the fine that makes you think I'm covering something up, I'm actually pushing myself to do my best and I'm not really fucking up. And now, I had the strength to move on. I don't lay in bed and cry, I made new friends and stuff. I am not perfect, not a single human being is, there is no such thing as perfection in the crooked world that we live in, but at least I'm stronger. Dear self,. I hold myself up and I refuse to fall because anchors never drown, they hold themselves steady under the wall, of the waves and the tide that pull them out to see and they never doubt themselves. Just like I should have never doubted me. I set myself free. Free to be the person I am inside, the pain I felt, the shit I dealt with and I'm standing tall. I'm proud, of myself and I'm thankful for those who pulled me through. Because now when I lay in bed at night I know I am true. Dear me, thank you for pushing through, thank you for being strong enough to never hurt yourself or drown in sorrow, I know that I can wake up and be myself again Tomorow. Ill be me, and I encourage you to be you. Because in the end, I promise myself that it was the best I could do, to stay true. I found myself among the stars, when the clouds were hiding out and my mind was lost in mars, I found myself in the darkest of nights, where the only thing to keep me sane was the moonlight. Dear me, you can push through and recover, you're off to a good start, one better than any other time you've tried. You don't need to hide anymore, you're doing fine. You don't have close the door, go inside, find the feelings you lost along the way. Follow all your dreams you'll be the best you can be one day. Until them you'll be okay. Dear me, I'm proud of you, keep up the good work, keep being who you want and you will no longer hurt when times are dark. You can be anything you want in the world. Lastly I must say to you, dear human being, that is what you are. A human being. Someone with courage and with meaning, be yourself. Be who you want to be. At the end of it all you will always have me.