The Host of My Heart (On Hiatus)

Chapter 8

Chapter 8:

I spent the rest of the night not caring about anything but the lead weight sitting in the pit of my stomach. The small amount of relief that I had gotten from Hikaru’s forgiveness was overtaken by apprehension that came with dealing with Issen. Nothing made me more uncomfortable than unfamiliar men. And wasn’t that just stupid? Caring about what a strange, silly man thought about the way my thighs rubbed together or how small my breasts were. I was a walking bundle of mistakes and wasn’t trying to do a damn thing about it.

I woke up the next morning with a pain in my neck, cold sweat covering my body, and a splitting headache. I wanted to curl up into a ball and not leave my couch but I only had one day to suffer through before my two week vacation. Hopefully my interaction with Issen for the next two weeks would be brief and stress free but I doubt I had a sliver of luck left. I pulled myself off the couch and showered before making an effort to look as presentable as I could with the imaginary lead weights hanging off my hands. I combed my hair listlessly as Hikaru’s angry face flitted behind my eyelids. I flinched as a droplet of blood welled up on my lower lip and quickly dripped down my chin. I wiped it off and sucked my lip into my mouth. The week that Hikaru didn’t know about my deal Issen was the first time in a long while that my lips wasn’t littered in scabs.

With my hair pulled into a neat ponytail, my shirt tucked in and my pressed pants as neat as they could be from being pulled out from the bottom of my dresser, I bid my home goodbye and walked to work.  To be honest, the best part of work was that I was so focused on teaching and the students that I could almost forgot about the troubles plaguing me outside of the classroom.

At least for a few hours.

Stepping into the classroom I greeted my students quietly and nodded as the mumbled their greeting. I put down my bag and addressed the classroom.

“Next week, I’m going on vacation, so I’ll be giving you an assignment to do today, but the head of the department is going to leave the assignments for the two weeks I’m gone.”

The class erupted into cheers as they heard my absence. I rolled my eyes, they should be grateful that I’m here. I snuck a look at the substitute registered to fill my spot and the kids were lucky if they left after the next two week with their fingers still attached. Mrs. Yamashita often gave ten pages a night for homework.

Poor kids.

I passed out a reading packet to the students and sat down at my desk to finish some last minute grading when I heard someone call my name. I looked up to see one of my students, Ayame, with her hand in the air.

“Yes, Ayame?”

“Why are you going on vacation?”

That was a stupid question. Why does anyone go on vacation? Sometimes I wondered what the hell these kids drank to make them soft in the head sometimes.

“Well, I’ve accumulated enough sick days that I can afford to take two straight weeks off, so that’s what I’m going to do.”

Ayame slowly brought her hand down before blurting out another sentence.

“Sooo…it’s not because you broke up with your boyfriend?”

Her question made the class rumble with quiet giggles and hushed whispers at her rudeness. Broke up with my boyfriend? What boyfriend? I haven’t had a boyfriend since college.

“Ayame, please mind your business and get back to work please.” I snapped as gently yet sternly as I could. She immediately bowed her head and put her pen to the paper once again. I glared at the rest of the students gawking at me and only felt a small amount of satisfaction when their eyes slid back to their papers in a split second.

I put my eyes to my own paper but I felt like my hand was being moved by a phantom. Did my students really think I was pathetic that I would take two weeks off because I ended a relationship? At first it made me angry that the students thought I was so weak and dependent on a man that it would shatter me so completely, but I really thought about it. Was it really so farfetched?

I was a person who cried when strangers said something mean about me. Why did it seem so impossible that I would have a complete breakdown when a man, who I would probably devote my self stupidly to, abandoned me? It was honestly the sort of pathetic thing I would do in a heartbeat and made me sick that I could accept that.

And it made me even sicker that I was so transparent that even my pea brained students could see it.

Per usual my workday was filled with silly students and paperwork. Before I knew it my last day of work was over and it was time for me to go home and relax for a few hours. I was fully prepared to go along with the plan I had set in my head when I noticed Issen’s big fat hair standing near the gates of the school.

For once, the feeling the bubbled in the bowels of my stomach wasn’t nervousness, but anger. This self-centered brat was the reason for all my problems. I just wished he would go away and never come back! I pressed my lips together in anger and made a point not to look at him as I swept passed him. Fortunately, Issen was so entranced by his phone that he didn’t even notice me walking by him.

Hmph, serves him right to look like a creepy pervert standing outside of a high school. Maybe he would get arrested, that would be nice. My fantasy of Issen being dragged away to jail was cut short as I felt someone tug roughly on my elbow. I snatched my arm away and kept walking. I didn’t want to speak to this excuse of a human being.

Issen grabbed my arm again and forcefully turned me around.

“What the hell are you running away for?! I’m trying to talk to you!”

“Well I don’t want to speak to you!” I snapped at him before pulling my arm back again and continuing my walk home. If he wanted to talk, he could talk to Hikaru, isn’t that what she was paying for?

I heard Issen running before he stopped in front of me.

“Why are you mad at me? I told you that if Hikaru found out I would blame you! I did tell you!”

I glared at him as I felt acid tickle the back of my throat as he brought back the memories of Hikaru’s screaming fit of last night.

“I told you to lie. That’s why you exist, to lie to people! How good of a product could you be if can’t even do one job right? What the hell is Hikaru even paying you for? Huh?!”

At the end of my little speech I was breathing heavily and a migraine was creeping into my brain. I looked at Issen’s mouth as the corners had turned down slightly and his perfectly manicured brows had furrowed. I blew out a breath of frustration and pushed the hair that had escaped my ponytail out of my face. Had I hurt his feelings? Should I care? Probably not, but do I?

Yeah, I did.

“Look, Issen—“

“Whatever, I have work to do.” He muttered quietly before turning and stalking away angrily.

I frowned at his retreating back and rolled my eyes. Did this guy really get his feelings hurt from me saying some stupid little things? After all of the nonsense he had said to me since I’ve known him? What a baby.

I continued my walk home and nearly cried in relief when I unlocked my door. At the moment I didn’t want to think about anything. I didn’t want to think about Hikaru, I didn’t want to think about Issen and I didn’t want to think about what a mess my life was. All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed, turn out all of the lights and go to sleep for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately that Friday no sleep came to me. All of the mistakes I had made in the last few weeks came barreling back into my brain. Everything was my fault and now I was paying for it.