The Host of My Heart (On Hiatus)

Chapter 14

Chapter 14:

The black numbers dancing on top of my arm made it very difficult to keep my eyes on the road and the car in the street, but I managed to get Issen and myself home in one piece. I called a cab for Issen and assured him, while he was fighting to sit up in the back of the cab, that his car would be right outside when he came back for it the next day.

Once I was inside my apartment, I flopped onto the couch and stared at the neat row of numbers on my forearm.

I couldn’t believe it. I actually had a conversation with a man without bursting into tears or becoming so nervous that I had sudden explosive diarrhea. It had to be some kind or miracle. Not only that, I wasn’t even looking for guy, he came to me! The only time I saw this happen in real life was with Hikaru.

It was insane.

It was insane how happy I was, all over some guy giving me his number. I was always the first person to say that man isn’t what a person needed to be happy but here I was, two seconds away from planning out twentieth date. But I just couldn’t help myself! I rolled off the couch and copied the number from my arm onto the notepad on my table before heading to the bathroom. I hadn’t taken this morning and I’m sure I stunk a little more than usual.

I showered quickly, planning not to linger in the bathroom until I caught sight of my naked body in the full-length mirror on the back of the door. I pushed the damp strands of hair away from my eyes and couldn’t look away.

I couldn’t look away from the pockets of fat tucked against my stomach and legs. I couldn’t look away from my too big nipples and too small breasts. I couldn’t stop staring at the dark patches of skin on my legs. I couldn’t stop staring the overly hairy legs and vulva. I couldn’t stop staring at the dark brown stretch marks that sliced over the sides of my thighs.

My god.

This is what Yuuto was going to see when we had sex. He was going to see this big, fat, wiggling and jiggling, busted up monster and go running for the hills. I knew he would. I walked closer to the mirror and felt, acutely, the way my thighs wobbled about with every step and how my breasts sagged as well. I looked closely at my face.

Goodness.

What a mess I was.

What a mess I was with my dark bags, thin hair and large pores.

What a mess I was with my crooked teeth, dry, scaly skin and fat cheeks.

This was what Yuuto was going to see up close and personal if we ever have sex.

What a mess.

I couldn’t stand staring at myself a moment longer in that bathroom so I wrapped myself in a towel and headed back to my bedroom. Luckily for me, the only reflective surface in my room was the handheld mirror on my dresser and I didn’t even want to think in its general direction. I dressed without hesitation in an effort not to see my body anymore and curled up in my blankets. I would have laid there all night, but hunger got the best of me.

I slunk into the kitchen and thought about slicing up some vegetables and boiling some noodles for a stir-fry but the large bag of potato chips talked me out of it. I was feeling terrible and the loving embrace of a salty food coma had never failed me. I walked out of the kitchen and sat down on the couch, contemplating how much more shitty food I would need to feel better when I caught sight of it.

Yuuto’s phone number.

I licked the crumbs off my lips and picked up the notepad with my greasy fingers. Maybe I should just throw it away. It wasn’t like I was going back to Kichijoji anytime soon right? Plus, Yuuto was a pretty handsome guy, what would he really miss not being with me? Yes, I finally decided, I wasn’t going to call or text Yuuto. It just wasn’t worth the pain of rejection.