Give Me A Clear Answer

I suffocated in Pain

As I walked into Intro Literacy class I noticed we had a seating chart up on the board.

Great now I get to sit next to new strangers. Wait I'm sitting next to that Adan kid. I've notice something just now. I think I have him for every class. I don't know. I like his hair though I want run my fingers through his cut hair. I know I'm weird I like running my hair through guy's cut hair I don't know why but I just like the feeling. 

As I took the seat I was assign too, Adan sat next to me his assigned seat.

"Hi my name is Adan." He said as he extended his hand for me to shake.

I shook his hand as I introduce myself "Hi, I'm Nani."

For a moment we were just staring into each other's eyes and continuing to shake hands. I felt happy at that moment until class begun.

"I hope we can become friends Nani." He said as looked at me.

"Whale do you want to be friends?"

"Yea. I would like to be friends with you. I think you're funny and cool. Even though I we only talked once before but you've made me laugh a lot." He said as he smiled. 

Wow he has straight teeth. Nice. Just talking to him made me forget about what happen at break time. I've made a new friend. Not a close friend or a best friend but a new friend I guess. My middle school friends would be so proud of me knowing the shyest girl in 8th grade is now making friends on her own in high school.

As time passed by in class me and Adan were the one mostly talking getting to know each other better. Adan lives on a ranch with animals and he kills the animals and eats them. I get sad over the thought that this kid that always smiles kills sheep, chickens, cows, and rabbits. He even has his own gun.

Class ends. The bell rung then the announcements come on. After announcements we were dismissed from school I headed out for the courtyard waiting for my friends to get out of their classes. Then Xavier walks up to me asking if he could talk to me alone.

"Yea sure." I stand there waiting for him for what he has to say. 

"Nani... I don't think I can continue to go out with you." By the time he said that Joseph and Dulce were already watching I wonder if they knew he was gonna break up with me. I couldn't say anything but my eyes did. They enhanced saying how surprised I was of hearing this news from the boy who said that he loved me. 

Wait what did he just break up with me? He told me he wouldn't break up with for a long time. It hasn't even been a month since we've been going out. I need to be with my friends. I'm hurt, I'm suffocating. It's weird how I can go from happy to being crushed.

I walked away from him without even thinking like if my legs were walking on their own. As I got closer and closer to Joseph and Dulce tears of pain rolled down my cheeks and when I reached them I was embraced by them with a hug. Now I'm crying uncontrollable. Everyone is looking at me wondering what happen. I can't stop this tears. These emotions going crazy inside. I feel like I've been strangled by pain. I throw my binder and books on the ground and hold Dulce. As she holds me tighter. I start to scream of pain. Now people are coming up to me and giving me hugs or just to wipe the tears away. After minutes of crying I look up to see Adan look at me with pain then runs off to cross country practice. By the time all my friends heard that Xavier broke up. My friends Avocado(real name Alvaro) Aliyah, Jennifer, and Edgar came up to me just to hold me as I cry. 

My friend Aliyah was the first to speak "Nani... I don't know how you feel right now but it hurts to see you in this much pain." 

"Where is Xavier at. I swear if I see him. He is gonna go home bloody as hell." My little friend Jennifer said. She left to go find Xavier with no luck came back to comfort me. As I cried more Avocado was cursing under his breathe and probably cursing in Spanish too. 

Then Dulce letting go of me she said "Nani I'm so sorry I know how you feel."

I was mad to hear what she just said so I fired back at her "What are you talking about Dulce!?! You still have Joseph he didn't break up with you. You have no idea how I feel Xavier was my first boyfriend and he just broke up with me!!!"

"She is right Dulce." Jennifer said as she began to hold me "We don't know how she feels. You have Joseph and I have Max."  

Then Edgar grabbed my face and began to wipe away my tears "Stop crying Nani. The teachers already saw you. And here comes the councilor." 

Edgar the friend who always makes fun of me and shows me purvy things but yet calls me the dirty minded freak ,was actually caring about me.

As the councilor pulled me away from my friends to ask me if I need to talk about what was going on.

"No it's fine. I'm okay." I said even though it was obviously a lie.

"Are you sure sweetie you can always tell me that's why I'm here for."

"yes Ma'am I'm positive."

"Okay just try to stay positive and you can always come to my office when you are ready to talk about what is happening."

"Yes I will."

As she walked away. All of the students were told to move to the cafeteria. On our way over there Xavier walked in front of us heading towards the gates to go home and looked over at me our eyes met then the tears start coming more. I saw him before all of my friends tried to cover my eyes with their hands.

"Nani it is gonna be okay." Aliyah said. "I have to go but I'll be with you in the morning tomorrow." 

I just nodded my head for I couldn't talk for the pain was choking me. 

When this was happening I couldn't speak but my mind was screaming. I was angry and sad it was dangerous to feel this way. If I let my emotions out of control who knows what will happen to me. 

How could Xavier do this to me? I've loved him, he told me he loved me and I believe his lies. I need to stop crying if I continue to cry by the time I get to the bus stop my eyes will still be red and my mom will know I've been crying.

So I wiped my tears away, plugged in my headphones. I listened to music and shut out the world till the bus came. As all of the students that was going on the bus to St. Cecilia middle school I went to go sit by myself in the middle of the bus. Then my friends get on and sit with me even though I want to be alone. Joseph moves my backpack to the ground and puts the binder and books I threw on the floor into my backpack. Then hugs me as one last tear fell on his shoulder.

"It's gonna be a okay Nani." He says as he hugs me tighter.

"I don't know Joseph I never know how it feels to be heartbroken until now and I don't like it I want the pain to stop." 

"I want the pain to stop for you too but that is up to you to move on." he says as he lets go of me.

I Look out the window to see Dulce waving to me as the bus leaves. I feel like she is saying goodbye to my happiness because we all know I'm not gonna be the same after that. 

I hate the world, I hate the couples in this world. I want Xavier to feel my pain but 10 times worst, but yet I love him and I don't want to hurt him. What is going on with me. I told y'all it was dangerous for me to feel this way. That's why I stay positive. I feel like I'm going emo again. 

When my heartbreak happened a lot of things changed. I felt heartbreak for the first time, I was depressed again, and the only thing good that happen to me at that moment I realized I could erase my memories.

Now you're probably thinking 'Erase your memories that's a bunch of bull.' No it is not a bunch of bull. Why you you want to keep memories of the happy times and think about the happy times which is gonna make you sad and depressed. Capricorns don't get sad we get depress. Besides I'm not normal. I'm alien. 

That night I took a long shower. It was long because I spent of my time in there crying. I cried myself to sleep and woke up numerous of times from the heartache. I don't know if I can be the same again