Boycotting Blue

16/Blue

Blue

Mierda, I thought, looking at Lou. She all but fled la casa, and I could see our friendship crumble right there. “Look what you did,” I growled, throwing the money and drugs at Rodriguez. I knew better. La policia hadn’t caught me yet, but Lou had. It was worse. The look in her eyes…. I glared at Rodriguez.

    No tengo un padre bueno.

    “Me? I handed you the stuff—you went out there and used it.” He laughed, picking up the knife. He toyed with the gun in his hand—a gun he had held when Lou had him. He wasn’t a good dad, but he didn’t hurt Lou. That was all that mattered. It kind of shocked me. Was he getting soft in his old age? At any other point in his life, he would’ve had Lou dead, or, at least, being tortured.

    “You threatened mi amiga,” I protested.

    “You knew I wouldn’t really hurt her,” he said, smiling at me. His tone was gentle, condescending. He knew me so well. “You wanted this, mijo. You could’ve dropped the mota y coke right there at my feet and walked away—but you didn’t. Because you had been looking for an excuse to sell again.”

   I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to face the truth.

   He took my non-answer as an agreement. “You know you enjoyed it.”

   I did. I felt an adrenaline rush from copping illegal money. The feeling of shaking hands rubbing against mines. The thrill of almost being caught, but not quite. Running, hiding, ducking, and betting. I was always the best at selling. I could wheel and deal better than the best of them. It didn’t matter if the person I was selling too would kill somebody for more. No es mi problema.

   I shook the thoughts from my head. I couldn’t fall back, even though I had. “I’m done,” I told him. “Yo no puedo.” Tio was already upset with me for even entertaining the thought. He knew as well as I did that my dad wouldn’t have touched Lou. If he wanted to, he would’ve hurt her at that moment. If Tiofound out I was selling….. I made a mental note to never touch the stuff again.

   Rodriguez flipped through the stack of money I had given him. “How is it that you sold half of what I wanted you to, yet you made four times the money?”

   Good deals. Crack heads would pay for whatever they could get. You just had to pull the right strings, play your cards right. I didn’t answer. “Escucha, that should be enough for the new few months. Get outta here. I have a new life.” One that didn’t include him in it.

   He laughed sarcastically. “A new life? You are still my son. You are still under my thumb as long as that 165 is right there.”

   “Si, si, ya se,” I told him. Yeah, yeah, I knew that. He had been repeating it for the past three weeks. “The trouble I can get in. They told I’m gonna be locked up for ten to twelve years if they bust me.”

   He shrugged. “And?”

  I wanted to say I’d tell them it was him that made me, but I knew better. Snitches got stitches. I had never stitched. The reason I was in juvie in the first place. He knew I would shut my boca. “I can’t go to prison.”

   “Por que no? You scared?”

   My blood boiled. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? “No. But I’m not going to prison over somethin’ I can control.” My fists clenched at my side.

   He glanced at my fists and laughed at me. “Get mad, mijo, get—“

   I punched him.

   Had he been anybody but mi padre, I would’ve been dead. Or at least beat to the point of unconsciousness. But we were blood related, and he knew he had pushed me too far. Instead of hurting me, he just wiped the blood dripping from his nose and stalked out. “I’ll be back soon.”

   “I can’t wait,” I said sarcastically.

*

 Tio threw open the door, followed by a frightened looking Lou. The look on his face let me know I was in muy trouble. For a second, I figured Lou had snitched, but I knew better. She wouldn’t have done that. It didn’t matter, though. I was still in deep mierda.

   “Que pasa?” I asked, pretending as if I didn’t notice the look. It was worse than mines, and almost sent shivers down my spine. But I had faced the barrel of a .22 pointed at me. Looks were nada. “Lou.” I nodded at her. Her ponytail showed off that slender neck. When necks become so—

    Tio didn’t let me finish my thought. His hand grabbed me around the neck, and he yanked me up, holding me against the wall. “You didn’t come here to sell again, cabron.”

   No, no I didn’t. I couldn’t breathe, so I didn’t answer him back. Actually, even if I had been able to breathe, I still wouldn’t have answered him. I knew not to speak.

   “You stay the hell away from la mota, Blue,” he growled, his voice low. “You know better.”

    I did know better. But habits were hard to break. I had needed the adrenaline rush selling gave me. Baloncesta was a good energy killer, and Lou was a good distraction, but the nights had started to become long and sleepless again. I had needed a release. And, once I had gotten it, I had finally slept all night.

   “I wouldn’t be mad,” he continued, still holding me tightly, “but you almost got Lou killed. Did you not learn your lesson with Evangeline?”

   That name made the pit of my stomach drop. He didn’t have to bring her up. I had suffered long enough for her death. And was still suffering, actually. Not a day went by that I didn’t think of su chica. She had belonged to Tio, but it was my fault she was dead.

    “Si,” I choked out, trying to break his grip. But years of weight training for the NFL had made him huge and stronger than me. “But Lou is no Evangeline.”

    “You think so?” he demanded, tossing me down like I was weightless. “Because I can see a lot of similarities.” His look was long and hard.

   My stomach turned. He was right. The two were both sweet and oblivious and prone to danger. Both chicas had fell for someone completely dangerous. They were the same person. Except I hadn’t been in love with Evangeline. Tio had been. And I had killed her. Not on purpose, though, but it was still my fault.

   I was such a pendejo. If I hadn’t gotten high and kissed her…..

   I shook the thoughts out of my head before I could go there. I didn’t want to think about it. “She doesn’t love me,” I told him in Spanish, glancing over at Lou. Her top row of teeth had clamped down on her bottom lip, and she was clutching her arms and shivering, although it was warm in here. She was scared. When our eyes met, she hurried and looked away from me.

   She’s scared of you.

   That was unacceptable.

   Tio captured my attention, his dark look still glued to me. “Don’t be un idiota your whole life, Blue,” he growled, walking away with one more command in Spanish. “Apologize.”

   The minute I heard his door slam shut upstairs, I turned to walk outside, Lou be damned. I let her walk away the first time for good reason—she didn’t need to be another Evangeline.

   But the good part of me paused at the door after seeing her reflection in the windows. She was still holding herself, except this time she was crying silently.