Off The Edge

Chapter 6: Bad Memories

I woke up with pain in my head, and my eyes sensitive to light that was coming through the shudders of the bathroom window. It was late afternoon; I have been on the ground for hours on end. I was still slightly drunk, but it felt good to wake up like that. I sat up slowly with a groan. A flood of flash backs from the night before hit me and the good feeling left me. I stood up and looked at myself; at least the bruises are still there. At least that part I didn't make up. At least that is the only thing that made sense form the previous day.

I ran the water in the sink, just watching it flow slowly through the faucets to the drain below. It was oddly entrancing. I didn't want to look away; I just got pulled into numbness once more. I finally snapped out of it and washed my damaged face. It was fast, but the blood and dirt
caught my eye and I watched the water dilute the mess that came off of my face. I was such a mess, I always would be there's no point in lying to myself about it.

I was nothing but an asshole that ruins everything, I touch something and in little time it begins to rot away. I begin to rot away.

I left the bathroom and got the little amount of things that were mine lying throughout the room. I left with them in hand and made my way to my car, only to realize that it wasn't in the parking lot. I groaned and sat down at the curb and put my head in my hands, what the hell was I supposed to do now? This was all going every way but the way that I needed it to.

I probably ended up sitting there for three hours staring at nothing but my hands and the ground beneath me. Well until I heard a car approaching. I groaned and attempted to get up, but nearly fell into the little grass patch behind me.

What's wrong with me? I stood up and stepped back from the curb just in time, the car pulled up and its window slowly went down. I stumbled back, recognizing the face before me. It took me a minute to understand but when I did I turned around and ran. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! He couldn't have found me.  How, how did he find me? I thought I wouldn't ever see him, I thought I had finally gotten away from him, from flinching every time I was touched, it all came rushing back.

I stumbled, but I ran. I ran and ran, I ran far from that time of my life, they always blamed me for what happened, it wasn't my fault I was only 8. I didn't know, it wasn't my fault, everyone knows what happens when its word against word. I would have been labeled that kid. The kid that  tells lies. It wasn't my fault, I didn't tell anyone.

My lungs burned, my eyes stung, and I desperately needed a drink. I needed to cover up, hid my face. I needed not to feel, I just can't do this right now. Not this time, it was all over. I was finally free. He was gone; I didn't have to see his face ever again. It wasn't my fault he hurt his daughter Jessie.

I stumbled and fell. I stayed there staring at the sky as tears flooded my eyes and washed away the sweat on my cheeks. I can't take all this pain, I'm not strong, I'm not worth the air I breath. It's all my fault, I could have saved Jessie, I had the chance, I could have told everyone. I was just so scared. I'm just as much a monster as him. I was just a piece of shit. 

I am nothing but a waste of space. 

I am only good for the scape goat.

I am only good for the outlet. 

I am only good enough to be used.