Off The Edge

Chapter 7: Facing mistakes

I laid there for hours on end, not moving, letting the tears roll down my face and drying there. My eyes stung and my throat hurt. I needed a bar. I needed to get drunk again. I slowly sat up and looked around me, train tracks and trees. I have no idea where I came from, so I got up and walked by the railroad, hoping I'll come across something that can get me to my car. So I can see her in the hospital. I stood up and made my way to the tracks.

I shouldn't have left, I shouldn't have slept with that man, did I even sleep with him? I shouldn't have cheated, I shouldn't have kept my mouth shut. I'm worthless and all I do is hurt the people I love, I've been a terrible friend and boyfriend. I've been waiting to get better, but I just can't. I keep trying but I don't seem to be able to stay better. I get better for some time, but then something happens and I just take a plunge into the deep end and it takes me so long to get close to the surface. I just want to give up. I can't keep getting close to the drug happiness and my dealer is caught or my dealer changes the way they get it to me, and then it isn't as good. 

The rails under me start to shake and I heard a train. I look back and stare at it. The rattling underneath me became louder and the first blare of the train shook me awake, I stumbled back, away from the monster. It's roar shook me and threw me back. My warm body slammed against the cold ground, knocking my breath from me. It rushed past and it's roar shook the ground one last time before leaving me, on the ground by myself once again.

I stared at where it disappeared, behind the trees. Lurking once again, ready to strike any moment. I slowly got to my feet, and shook my head. I stepped back on the path the train had taken. I slowly made my way forward, my body hurting from the fall.

Eventually, I came to a town and realized it was the one I had found myself in about the same time the morning before. I knew about where I was and started for the bar near the hospital, where my car sat by itself. I walked that way for some time and almost got hit multiple times. I wasn't paying much attention and I would walk in front of various cars of various sizes. 

Soon enough I came to the hospital and I sighed. I had to do this, I really don't want to, but I have to, no matter how hard this is going to be. I have to face my mistakes. I asked for her and made my way to her room, nurses looking at me odd, wondering why I'm here now. Wondering if we'll fight like last time. I got to the room the flowers are dead, her moms' are gone. I knock on the door, "Hey, how are you?"

"Oh hey, you know just dying from cancer." She said and smiled at me. I nodded and sat down in the chair beside her bed. Caroline Merminod, my step sister. 

"I'm sorry I haven't been around, I just can't stand looking at your father. And I know I shouldn't have let that make me stay away. I'm real sorry Caroline." I looked at my hands. 

"Leo, I know we weren't really close growing up and I burned bridges after the third time you and Amanda broke up. It's my fault, but I'm glad you are here now. Where's Amanda now?" She looked at me and sighed. "You guys broke up again, didn't you?"

"It's for real this time Caroline, she's really done now. I can't go back, I also lost my best friend. It's been tough, but I'm getting to be happy with my mistakes." I looked up at Caroline and got up and sat by her on the bed. " I really fucked up this time, and the last fight we had was over my own health you were just trying to help me, to protect me. I failed to do so, and you ended up here."

"Leo, this is my body, you can't protect me from the body I was put in. This isn't something that could have been helped." Caroline took my hand and tears started to weld in my eyes.

"We could have caught it earlier," my voice cracked. "We could have saved you, Caroline." The tears began to fall down my face. 

"Leo I saw them when you walked in, what happened to you, you have bruises all over you," Caroline questioned me sadly.

"A fight at a bar, it wasn't bad." Then a knock at the door pulled our eyes to the people walking in.

"Hey..." Amanda said slowly, and Joy frowned. I got up and kissed Caroline on the cheek. I went to the door, Joy and Amanda moved inside.

"Leo don't go please, we can all be in here." My sister said in a sad tone. "Hello Amanda, come here and hug me. You too, Joy." She smiled as she got her request, I closed the door and leaned against it looking at my sister.

Amanda sat down and asked how Caroline was, and she got the same answer I did. "Just dying from cancer," Amanda asked how she was mentally, and what my sister said surprised me. "I am peaceful."

"Peaceful? Caroline, how could you possibly be peaceful when you're dying?" I protested, unmoving.

Amanda looked over at me and shook her head in shame. 

Caroline spoke, looking at only me, "When you come to terms that one day we all die, and it'll hurt others around you, you have to find comfort and peace. Or you will not live like you did before. They always say, 'Live like tomorrow isn't promised.' Well, Leo, my tomorrow isn't promised. And neither is yours." 

Her voice broke through something in me, and it made me so angry that she wasn't. That she wasn't giving up in the way I had predicted. I stutter, unable to get anything out.

Caroline sighed and looked over at Joy and Amanda, they too were shocked. I looked out the window, pleaded for my forgiveness and ran. Ran out of that room. It was all to much, I don't want to feel, I need to be numb. I can't take her being so calm, I need her to be upset! Why isn't she upset! I don't understand... I don't understand. 

I ran into a wall and then a nurse, I knocked a few other things over in my rush to get out. I just have to get out. I can't be here anymore, the white halls, the light blue nightgowns, the sick, the old, the dying. I need to get out. I need just a few moments without the smell of despair.