Poems by a Student

Starting to Matter

The day my weight started to matter
was the day we tried on clothes
The day we went through the shorts and the shirts
The dresses and the skirts
We managed to dig up old fashions and new demons
And we laid them all out on the floor

I found some clothes that were not fashioned to my body any longer
But I did not care
For those were small shorts from justice
Skin tight T-shirts from Hollister
Things I never wanted to buy in the first place
Things that looked as though they were meant to fit someone of age 12
And I was almost 15

So I had no problem
Placing these small cover ups in boxes for my sister
No problem with placing memories of discomfort into the wind and letting them
Float
No problem,
None at all

But you
You told me things you have never said
Through the ice of your eyes that melted into disappointment
And I let it drip into soul
Pounding on the box holding my heart until it began to crack and I cried
"Stop!"
I cried, "Please leave"
But you just responded angrily
Screaming that this was what happens when you gain weight
And that I was just going to have to deal with it

I wanted to scream,
"I'm not upset about the clothes!"
But I didn't.

The day my weight started to matter
Was the day you told me we were going to run
Because maybe then we would see the numbers on the scale drop
And we would be happy

"That's what you want, isn't it?"
You asked
I didn't respond

So we ran
And ran and ran and ran
Until my breath was out of my body
And I was choking on infinity
And when we got home you would scream that you were doing me a favor
That you were doing this for me

I wanted to scream,
"I'm not upset about the clothes!"
I wanted to scream,
"I was always enough for myself!"
But I didn't.

The day my weight started to matter
Was the day I was going 50 on Red Arrow
And you said that we needed to try on dresses I never wore from last year so you could return the ones I didn't want
"But they probably won't fit, because you have gained 20 pounds since then"
"I have only gained 5 pounds since then,"
I corrected,
Hurt by your misinformation
"I weighed 137.5 at my doctors appointment"
"No you didn't," you said, "because then I would've said you weighed to much"
I felt the blood leave my brain
My thoughts get tangled in my hair
Because of course you could be preaching
The message I just heard
"What are you talking about?" I said,
"137 is a perfectly normal weight, hell, 142 is a perfectly normal weight!"

I think you were surprised
I don't normally bite the devil's tongue
I am submissive
Quiet
But I was tired
Tired of looking in the mirror and thinking "I'm not good enough"
Tired of not wanting to sit because I would get a close up of my legs
Just
Tired

But you decided to grant me a few more sleepless nights
A few more restless days
And a few less meals
Because you turned to me
And you said
With a tone that sounded almost angry,
"Listen, you look heavy. Your arms sag, you have too much weight on your chest, and you just look heavy."

And I just broke.

I let the tears stay behind my thoughts so I wouldn't crash the car
And I kept my anger out of my thoughts so I wouldn't crash the car
And I just sank.

I wanted to scream,
"I'm not upset about the clothes!"
I wanted to scream,
"I was always enough for myself!"
I wanted to scream,
"All I ever wanted was to be enough for you."
But I didn't.
Because my mind was too tired
And my heart was too quiet
And I was too heavy.

The day my weight started to matter
Was they day you came into my room with the doctors report from last year
"You were right,"
You said,
"You did weigh 137.5,"
You said,
"But, look at this. You were in the 70th percentile. That's not average honey."
And that's when I turned to you
Shoulders square
Standing tall

I tried to find a reason
I tried to figure out
Why this could matter so much to you
Why you could not see
How much this was hurting me
I just wanted
To know
Why

But all I could see was you
I guess that's reason enough

"Do I look heavy? Because I don't think I do"
You stared at me for a moment
Looked me up and down
And said with uncertain conviction, "maybe fall sports have made a difference."
And I exploded
"No, they haven't, because I look the exact same as I did a week ago
Just because I'm not you
Doesn't mean
I'm
Not
Enough."

I wanted to scream,
"I'm not upset about the clothes!"
I wanted to scream,
"I was always enough for myself!"
I wanted to scream,
"All I ever wanted was to be enough for you."
But I didn't.

Because I know
Despite all of this
You didn't mean
any harm
You didn't mean
to chain an distorted image of me
To a mirror
You didn't mean
For me to look at food and think calories
You didn't mean too.

But you did.

You stared at me in silence
Trying to think of words to save yourself
Because that has always been your defense
When someone accuses you
You back yourself harder
Blame someone else
Because you are never wrong

That can be hard sometimes.

I did not break down your final wall
I let my eyes do the speaking and they told you to leave
So you did

Thanks for that.

You had the best of intentions
But the worst of actions
So even though I still look at my body and say
Ugly
Even though I still look at my food and say
Calories
I still look at the world and say
Beautiful
and I guess that's what's important.

I never cared about the clothes.
I never cared about the numbers or the calories
Or the size on the tag
I was always enough for myself

I cared about the look in your eyes
I cared about the family dinners where my weight was a casual topic
I cared about how my own mother couldn't see me as more than a body.

I cared about not being good enough for you.

I care about not being good enough for you.

Love you.

~~Note~~
I'm back!!! Sorry for the LONG break, I had some stuff going on.