Use Me, Royal Stranger (mxm)

Chapter 37 - Saving Grace

Media: Halo - Lotte Kestner

Carlen sat uncomfortably on the other side of Alaric's working table. They had been sitting in serious silence for a while now. He briefly noticed that Alaric looked very much more haggard and skinny compared to the last time he saw him. The illness seemed to be taking a big toll on him despite what everyone had been telling Carlen.

Alaric had sent for him mid morning and they have been simply sitting in silence as Alaric worked. Carlen did not want to interrupt his work and he could tell that Alaric was very tensed as he worked with a deep frown and hunched shoulders. Carlen briefly wondered if Alaric should be allowed to work in his condition. He looked like he needed rest desperately. And judging from the pile of work on his desk, he wasn't going to be done anytime soon.

After almost an hour, before Carlen almost decided to ask if he could leave Alaric to work and come back at a better time, Alaric finally placed his writing tools aside and looked at Carlen with tired looking eyes. He licked his lips several times, brushing the shadow of hair on his chin. He looked as though he was burdened with something and it made Carlen uneasy.

"We need to talk, Carlen." Alaric started, his voice already sounding resigned, unlike him. "Too much has happened, and we have not properly addressed any of it." He cleared his throat, "And I don't know how much time I have left."

Carlen's felt goosebumps growing on his skin at what he was implying, "You're not going to die..." Carlen found himself hating the idea of Alaric dying despite everything they have been through. A surge of sadness hit him and Carlen felt the urge to cry. He hated Alaric enough to curse him, but not enough to be elated by the idea of his possible passing.

Alaric huffed resignedly, "I wanted to apologize to you, Carlen. For everything that I have done, that I have said. For everything that I have put you through. I know that apologies are not going to be enough, but I still want to say that I am deeply sorry." Alaric continued with tears shining in his eyes, "If I could do it all over again, I would have done everything differently. I regret everything I've done." He swallowed, "Because of what I've done, I lost you. Your trust, your love and your faith in me. I lost them all. We lost our miracle baby and I will never forgive myself for that. You may never forgive me for that. I know that, and I am sorry."

Carlen's chest clenched at the thought of his baby, and he dug his nails into his thighs trying to keep himself from crying. He had spent every day praying to the Goddess to keep his baby safe and happy, but he had never spoken out loud to anyone about it. He just could not take it. Now that Alaric was talking about it, the anger he felt towards Alaric came back in full force and he was reminded of the moment that Alaric had chosen to save the Queen rather than him.

But look on Alaric's face as he was speaking made him feel conflicted. Alaric looked like he had already given up on life, on everything. As though he was simply taking care of things before he died. As much as Carlen hated Alaric, the thought that he could really die, made Carlen depressed. Was Alaric really going to die? But everyone had told him that Alaric was recovering well. It surely didn't look or sound like it. What would happen to this kingdom if he does? Would they break the treaty since they did not have a heir between Sophia and Alaric to seal the treaty? Would Shayne have to step up to the throne now?

"But I want to try. With the time that I have left, I want to do right by you." Alaric looked away at a tapestry of his father, the late King, as he spoke, "I am not doing this simply so you can forgive me. I know it might be too late for forgiveness, perhaps hopeless for me to even think you could forgive me. But Carlen, I just want to make things better for you. Easier for you. I want you to heal. I want you to be happy. I truly just want to do something for you, since I've done nothing but bring you pain." Alaric's voice cracked a little at the end.